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Sat 30 Jun, 2007 05:43 pm
My fiance of 4 years went overseas a year ago and returned last January. All was ok, not great, ups and downs until his return. His family is very manipulative and does not have any relationship with me when he's with me. He goes back and forth. Since he's been back he doesn't see me and talks to me very little. When he does talk to me, he's miserable, unsatisfied, depressed. He doesn't know how to fix anything and therefore does nothing. He thinks that the problems we had in the past will only continue. He won't give me the chance to show him how I've changed for the better. I had a terrible time being caught up in the dramas with his exwife, kids, parents in the past.
I have hounded him and been the pathetic exlover. I know he loves me, he has told me so. I want to make this work somehow. I don't know how to fix anything. I know my constant contacting him isn't working. It seems to push him away further.
What do I do? If I don't contact him, is there really a chance that this can still work? I feel like if I don't hang on it will disappear. On the other hand, I don't want to wait for something that won't ever happen.
Advice please?????????????
Cposgirl--
Welcome to A2K.
Are you still engaged? Did you have a formal engagement or simply an "understanding"? Did his family accept you?
It was a proposal while he was overseas, he sent alot of his belongings home to me, including his Navy ring, which he has not asked for back. He says he bought an engagement ring, but I've never seen it. And his parents don't like me at all. They are very controlling and manipulative. If he's with me, then they don't have anything to do with him. When he talked to them from overseas and told them that he planned to be with me and marry me and live his own life they cut off all contact with him. There is nothing wrong with me. I am a good person and well-balanced. His Mom is bi-polar, among other things, has been in and out of psych wards just since I've know him.
Cposegirl--
Was your husband in the military? Was he posted to a war zone?
My finace is in the Navy and was in Kuwait, but he was in a noncombat zone. No combat, but alot of isolation. He doesn't like being alone, yet he keeps himself alone and away from others.
If this is a situation where he needs time and space to straighten himself out then I would wait for him because when he is away from his family and not going through his depression periods, he is truly a wonderful loving man.
I just don't know. And he won't talk to me about it. Should I seek counseling?
Cposgirl--
War times are complicated times for career military people even if they aren't directly in combat.
From your description your fiance had a great deal of civilian turmoil in his life as well.
If he wants space, give him space. You can't afford to do anything else. Love is a powerful emotion, but no matter how much you love this guy you can't change him. He has to change himself.
Counseling might be very helpful for you. You've obviously been thinking and brooding about your man and your relationship and having an objective listener with no connection to the situation could be very helpful.
I know its probably where I should go. But its hard to admit that I'm the one with the problem. I waited for this man for the entire time he was gone and the past 6 months he's been back. He tells me he loves me. And being in love with this man is more than I thought I ever deserved. I'm a divorced mom of 2. I'm 43, he's 39. I went through hell in my first marriage and didn't do anything but raise my kids for 10 years when I met this man.
I don't like to think I was wrong again when I have believed in this with all my heart.
Thanks for listening and giving your opinion. I really appreciate hearing from others. Even if I don't know you, it helps more than you can know.
Not too many people respond to my post. Maybe I look pathetic? I sure feel like it. Like I said, good or bad, I want to hear it. Please........
welcome to a2K, cposgirl.
The future of your relationship doesnt look too promising - going by your description.
If I were you, I'd certainly let go and go ahead keep myself occupied in some other way and try my best to forget it all. If this "break-up" is just a phase or only because he has had trying times, it might fall back in place, you never know.
Manipulative family, disinterested fiance - you need to let go. (Though I'm not sure why you said "He won't give me the chance to show him how I've changed for the better". Is there somethings you've done that you're ashamed and maybe reason for him to break off?...)
Cposgirl--
I assume that your fiance's family objects to you being older than your fiance (and past the reproductive years) as well as to your children?
Finding love after a long, dry spell is heady stuff. I understand why you don't want to abandon companionship and admiration.
Right now you and your fiance are both needy people and your needs are incompatable. He needs contemplation space. You need hands-on reassurance.
Quote:I don't like to think I was wrong again when I have believed in this with all my heart.
This is why seeing a counselor of some sort would be very helpful for you. (It would probably also be helpful for your fiance, but his therapy is his problem to solve).
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