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Wed 20 Jun, 2007 11:42 am
Hi, I'm new. I was wondering if I'm over-reacting. My Stepson had been in trouble for a few years now. I tried to get help but nobody would see the urgency.
Some back ground...I couldn't begin to tell the whole story but heres some. His mother was not so good. She had an affair with another man and that is what broke their marriage. When StepSon was one. She raised him trying to get him to dislike his father but of course that didn't work. She married the other man and eventually had a daughter. StepSon became the Demon seed. I came into the picture when he was six. Once puberty hit he was acting out. He stopped seeing us every other weekend and my Hubby didn't force it. At this point he only came over for Christmas and his birthday, go figure. When he turned 15 he started flunking out of school (He never really excelled at it). Anyway when he turned 16 his mother shipped him to us (She couldn't control him any more). Things were OK at first but as teenagers do her didn't clean up after himself and was becoming a big burden to me. My hubby worked nights and me days so I would have to deal with him and as the Step it didn't work. As time went on we found out he burglarized a house by his mothers (40 miles away when he lived with her). Because of his age he didn't really get punished. Just paid back what he took. A month later he got fired for stealing money out of the register of a popular drugstore he worked at. He again didn't get in trouble for that crime because his mom and StepDad were managers at other stores just a different chain. That is when it really got bad between him and I.
After a long couple of months he finally got another job selling vacuums door to door and met some real winners. He started stealing from us and broke into our locked bedroom and what not. His dad finally kicked him out. He ended up stealing payroll checks from that employer and went on a crime spree with his new "friend". He was in county for a year and now he is sentenced to a decade of Prison. He calls us more or less to ask for money. It drives me crazy. My Hubby blames himself because he kicked him out. I say the boy would still be in jail he never had to face any consequences before he never learned a lesson. He turned 19 in jail last march.
Anyway now to my question...I feel like we don't owe this boy any money. My Hubby gives him money every time he ask. Am I over-reacting? Would any of you give this boy cash? How do I stop this cycle. I can't talk to my husband about this he gets to defensive. My Hubby wont go to counseling, HE doesn't have a problem with it. I didn't know where to post this it is a parenting problem but is destroying my marriage. *Sigh*
Sorry this is sooo long. maybe I'm just babbling
Yikes!
I don't mean to be harsh but "Demon Seed" and "shipped him to us" and "a big burden"?
I'm usually not very sympathetic to criminals and I hate the whole "blame the parents" mentality but frankly, I feel sorry for this kid. And that's what he is -- a kid.
I think his dad is trying to buy a second chance and it sounds like maybe he needs one.
I'd back off of this if I were you.
Cracker--
Welcome to A2K.
I've been a stepmother for 30 years--it isn't always an easy job.
How much money are we talking about? $50/week? $500/month?
Have you talked to someone in the prison system about what your stepson would be spending money on? Does he have a prison job? Is he working for his GED?
If your husband is serious about being a full-time father to this kid (and I agree with Boomer, he's a kid as well as a danger to society and a pain in the neck and a problem in your marriage) then your husband should arrange to visit him on a regular basis.
Money won't buy love or develop good character. Time and attention will.
Your life isn't easy right now, but your problem stepson is part of the marital package. You knew the man you love came with baggage--that the baggage is now extremely inconvenient doesn't cancel love or responsibility--or guilt.
In fact, your life is probably hell right now. Do you and your husband have children together?
Sorry Boom,
I don't mean to be harsh but "Demon Seed" and "shipped him to us" and "a big burden"?
I didn't write it this way because this is how I feel about him this is how I feel his mom feels. She treated her daughter like a princess and the boy was always in trouble. He was a good kid when he was young but when he stopped seeing us he changed. She said some pretty hurtful things to us in front of the boy.
I don't Dislike this kid in any way. I Dislike how he treated me. He was very disrespectful and my husband was not supportive of me because it didn't affect him. His son was no more work for him. I had to cook and clean twice as much. The boy more or less told me he didn't have to listen to me and he didn't his dad didn't care if he did. Hubby thought I was always making to big of a deal of things. I remember at one point I asked the boy who he was going to blame when he went to prison, he was mad and said that was an awful thing to say and my hubby said I was just trying to make a point. It's true I was. It was the day he got fired for staling. The writing was on that wall for a while.
Sorry if I sound bitter. I knew he was the baggage attached to my hubby I just didn't realize that one day he would have more control of my house than me.
And no noddy we don't have any children together.
Cracker--
Having no children makes this situation a bit easier.
What do you want to do? Write him off completely? Have your husband deal with his son without involving you?
You were venting--which is fine--and you didn't answer these questions.
How much money are we talking about? $50/week? $500/month?
Have you talked to someone in the prison system about what your stepson would be spending money on? Does he have a prison job? Is he working for his GED?
At least he's a Problem in Prison as opposed to being a problem in your living room.
I've had my share of being in trouble with the law. So, here's a few tips. If he's asking for money, try to set it up with your husband so you only give him money if he's being a good little boy in prison.
ex: He doesn't get in fights, listens to the guards and gets his GED.
You could cut him off completely, but if the father still wants to be a part in his life he'd most likely get mad at you for even trying to cut his son off.
Use giving him money while he's in prison as sort of a if he messes up in prison, his punishment is he doesn't get any cash for a week, month etc.
Try talking to your husband about that, it might just work! Hey, atleast it'd give him motivation to stay out of trouble while he's in there!
Just a thought.
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