Commuter marriage?

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Mr. B and I have been talking about moving. His business is moving to the other side of town and it will mean a commute of about an hour and a half each way, every day.

Because his business is new it requires a lot of attention. That, coupled with the commute means we see very little of him during the week. A longer commute means we would see him even less.

As it is now, by the time he gets home each night he's tired and distracted. Coming home late also means Mo and my schedule is really disrupted -- a problem during the school year.

So we've been talking about moving.

The fact is, though, neither of us really wants to move.

Since buying our house 10-some years ago it has doubled in value. To get a similar house in an equal school district on the other side of town would cost us double what our house is worth.

And then there's the social aspect. We love our neighbors. I have friends here. Mo has friends here. Mr. B has friends here. It's a great community.

This weekend we cautiously floated out the idea of a "commuter marriage": he would rent a small apartment close to work, come home early on Friday, stay the weekend, leave late on Monday.

That way he could concentrate on work during the week without the hassle of everything else. On the weekends he could forget about work.

My dad traveled extensively for work and my parent's marriage lasted until death they did part. I used to travel for work -- gone three or four days out of the week and it wasn't a problem for us at all. We've lived in different cities a couple of times, for months at a time, without causing problems too.

But this just feels really.... different.

I'm not really asking for advice but I'm curious about whether you think such an arrangement could work.

Have you ever lived apart from your spouse?

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No, but my parents did a very similar thing for about three years. My father worked in the northern part of the state and we lived in the southern part. Vt is a small state and the driving time was about 2 hours. His schedule was precisely what you describe -- arriving home on Friday evening and leaving late Sunday afternoon or Monday morning.

We eventually moved to the city where he worked because he was tired of living alone, but it worked out well for all concerned for quite a while. There's nothing that says this has to be a permanent solution. You can try it for 6 months or so (or whatever lease arrangement you can find for the appt) and see how it goes. Also, there's nothing that would prevent the three of you from meeting in the middle for dinner during the week sometime. Family date night, if you will.

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Sure, it could work, if you are both agreeable to the idea. The important thing is that you are of one mind on this. The alternatives seem less attractive than a commuter marriage.

I have a friend whose husband is an engineer, and is away for weeks at a time on projects. When they get together, it is like a honeymoon all over again.

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JPB wrote:

There's nothing that says this has to be a permanent solution. You can try it for 6 months or so (or whatever lease arrangement you can find for the appt) and see how it goes.

This is the most important point to remember, IMO. Nothing is engraved in stone. It doesn't have to be permanent until you and Mr. B decide that it is.

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Phoenix32890 wrote:

I have a friend whose husband is an engineer, and is away for weeks at a time on projects. When they get together, it is like a honeymoon all over again.

I'll bet you can't even catch her on the phone when he's in town.

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Thank you all for your replies! It is good to know that others have sucessfully navigated such a situation and that we're not completely crazy to be considering it.

The impermanance aspect did come up in the conversation. We both consider it more of a patch than a solution.

The idea came up because I said if we were to move that we would have to do it over summer break (idealy) since I thought it would be very hard for change-resistent Mo to switch schools in mid-year.

As Mr. B is currently in the middle of a big expansion of his business, which includes moving, I think he found that idea completely overwhelming.

Honestly, he seemed a bit relieved at my suggestion of a commuter marriage.

I know the next year is going to be insane for him and giving him license to just deal with that seemed like a big weight off of his shoulders.

And I considered the honeymoon aspect of the arrangement too - right now, when he's here, he isn't "here". Giving him a break from "here" might make him appreciate all that is here and give him a chance to relax and enjoy himself a bit.

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I think it could work just fine boom.

You can still talk daily on the phone, and maybe mid-week you could meet him half-way for dinner.
Plus, if there's an emergency, he's not that far away.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder, and I think this might be one of those times.

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Well, I know quite a few people who have to commute to work one hour and more.

And if you work in larger cities, the distance might be less, but the time will be the same.

Both b-i-l's travel every day about that time, my sister's husband in his own car, since he works in a suburbian area, my s-il's husband with public transport (changing from bus to train to suburban train to tram).

No-one would rent an aprtment - and if it were only for monetary reasons (both are managers in rather big 'bank-related- companies).

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I also know of couples who have done this. In both cases though, they lived even further apart - New York City and Boston in one case and in another Boston and Chicago. They had high paying jobs so they would fly back and forth. In one case, the Boston/NYC, one was semi-retired - only worked a few days a week, the other worked full time so it was a bit easier.

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Well, public transport is quite expensive here, but still cheaper (and faster, on a distance like Chicago-Boston) than air-transport.

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I'm not by any means suggesting this is the "right" answer for anyone -- not even for us. I think just dealing with the commute is much more common that considering an apartment.

If Mr. B were in some field where the office closed at a specific time I doubt we'd be considering it. His business doesn't work that way.

Really, it's either we all move -- within the next three months -- or that he moves and we buy some time. I suppose we could keep the status quo, putting even more pressure on Mr. B but I fear we would all be miserable.

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Well, that's why I mentioned the profession: one leaves home at 5 and returns not before 9 at night (Saturdays earlier), the other leaves at 6:30 and returns not before 7:30.

I suppose, we are not so flexible in buying and selling homes here, generally at least.
We are a bit more conservative re our home, we older at least.

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I keep posting different thoughts and then erasing them.

(starting with you all get an apartment on the other side of town...)
(or have his place big enough for you to stay over to house hunt...)
well, those were the ones I erased.

Now, I'm thinking, wouldn't it be better for Mo to start a new school and stay there, this fall? Or not...

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just curious, how much is the cost of a small apartment (or even just a room somewhere) as opposed to his gas, tolls etc?

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Boomer- You could always move later. In the meantime, if you stay put, and he gets a temporary place, Mr. B. will have a chance to concentrate on his business. He will be far less tired, than if he had to make the long commute every day.

Think of it as a temporary inconvenience in order to have a better future. If Mr. B.'s business takes off, maybe you WILL be able to afford a house near his business sometime down the road.

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ossobuco wrote:

I keep posting different thoughts and then erasing them.

(starting with you all get an apartment on the other side of town...)
(or have his place big enough for you to stay over to house hunt...)
well, those were the ones I erased.

Now, I'm thinking, wouldn't it be better for Mo to start a new school and stay there, this fall? Or not...

I dunno osso....the thought of me selling my current house, then having to pay TWICE that amount to move into another would put the kibash on that.

now I'm really thinking....how about renting a room in someone's home?

All he really needs is a bed to sleep in, and a bathroom.

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Walter Hinteler wrote:

Well, that's why I mentioned the profession: one leaves home at 5 and returns not before 9 at night (Saturdays earlier), the other leaves at 6:30 and returns not before 7:30.

But what kind of life is that? If you're home for 8 hours a day and you require 8 hours of sleep, you're actively having a "home" for 0 hours a day. The other person is at home for 3 hours a day -- without their spouse.

If it works for them, that's great, good for them.

To me, and maybe only me, that sounds more like living to work than working to live.

For us, I think it's going to have to be we all move right away or that we try this.

Ideally Mo would start and finish at the same school but that is never guaranteed anyway. I would prefer that he not have to start at a new school mid-year under any circumstances. I did that a lot when I was little and it is very hard.

I have absolutely no idea what apartments rent for.

Mr. B has a big truck that he needs for work. It sucks up gas. It's terribly expensive to drive. We don't have toll roads so that isn't a factor.

Overall I'd say it would probably be a wash. It really isn't about the money but about mental health.

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Phoenix32890 wrote:

Boomer- You could always move later. In the meantime, if you stay put, and he gets a temporary place, Mr. B. will have a chance to concentrate on his business. He will be far less tired, than if he had to make the long commute every day.

Think of it as a temporary inconvenience in order to have a better future. If Mr. B.'s business takes off, maybe you WILL be able to afford a house near his business sometime down the road.

This is exactly what I'm thinking, but without having been able to state it so clearly.

We're thinking something like an effeciency apartment. I don't know if he could really unwind if he were renting a room in someone's house.

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Of course he couldn't. He needs personal space outside of one room to move around in just like anyone else.

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We weren't married yet, but E.G. and I did this for about a year. I was accepted to graduate school at the University of Minnesota, including free tuition, but I had a job I liked in Madison, E.G. was in Madison, and I was taking the basic education classes I needed to take in Madison. So I started a totally insane thing where I spent half the week in Minneapolis (taking grad classes at the U of M and working) and half the week in Madison (taking undergrad education classes and working). I commuted via Greyhound (no car, and didn't know how to drive, then).

I don't remember exact days, but it was something like Sunday --> Wednesday in Minneapolis, Thursday --> Sunday in Madison.

It was absolutely insane for a lot of reasons and I don't think I could do it now (I was 22 or something, I had energy), but in terms of us and our relationship it was totally fine. Worked out well overall and I'm glad I did it. It lasted for the duration of the school year, so about 9 months I guess -- that was fine, and knowing that it was temporary helped.

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Commuter marriage?

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