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Thu 14 Jun, 2007 11:37 am
I've been married for over 3 years now in a very loving relationship with one exception. My wife had a deep emotional affair with another man within the first year of our marriage that hit me like a semi-truck out of the blue.
I'm not sure if I have recovered, and am now finding it difficult to fully trust her again. Whenever little signs that remind me of the previous infidelity, I go crazy and the relationship seems great when we're giving each other all our attention. Otherwise, I'm a nervous wreck when she goes out of town on conferences, eats lunch with other men, etc ...
I'm finding it harder and harder to love her 100% for fear of being "fooled" again. I know i need to build that trust back up before becoming happy in marriage again, but in the meantime I'm holding back and it's taking a toll on the relationship from my perspective. Even though we're married, I sometimes feel like we're dating and i naively thought marriage meant security and i wouldnt have to worry about other men anymore. I obviously got married young, and had little relationship experience beforehand. I do see a counselor about this, and am always working on things to rebuild trust ... but at the same time, people always say on the forum, "a good marriage shouldnt feel like hard work".
If i were to ask a question, i would say, how do you love someone you dont fully trust (deep down). She has given me no other concrete reasons for mistrust otherwise.
That is a fantastic question. Where the hell is Soz when you really need her?
Eh? Me?
I was re-reading your posts and trying to remember your story, DestinysDad. I remember your name, was trying to piece things together.
Seems like this marriage has been troubled longer than it's been un-troubled. One thing I found that I said before still seems to apply:
sozobe wrote:At some point, you just have to either trust a person or leave. The limbo of vague, unproven distrust is a really dangerous place to be.
I don't really know how to tell you to find that trust beyond what you've already done. You've done counseling, right? Did that help? You've given it time. If it's just not happening, and you've tried all of these things, it may be time to move on, I dunno.
Also don't remember if you have kids...?
Thank you, Soz. I was going to just tell him to go to the nudie bar, get a few drinks, clear his mind, and allow the answer to just come to him as he watches all the jiggling goodness before him, but I guess your advice is good too.
Hey sozobe, you have helped me on each of my threads and i know i only come to the forum when there is a problem. So i can imagine it seems like I always have problems
I really want to trust my wife, but remain in a vague limbo as you quoted above. Even she has asked what she can do to help, and I have no answers. Moving on without a concrete reason seems irrational to me, and I feel like i need something bad to happen before i can walk that road.
kickycan, my counselor actually did suggest a guy trip to Vegas to spend some time away (your advice is shared by professionals ... sort of). I just dont think i'd have fun worrying about what's going on at home despite the "jiggling goodness".
And No kids.
shhhhhhhh!!!!! Don't tell Kicky that! sheesh, he's going to be everywhere now.
Think about what you just said about needing something bad to happen before you can move on. Is that what you'd really like to do? Do you really want to move on and need another push from your wife, or do you really want to let go of the stuff that's hanging over you?
I knew I was onto something with that nudie bar idea...
Quote:DD, I can't understand why a counselor would suggest a "guy trip to Vegas" and why he feels that would help you in this situation.
Particularly since you seem to not understand that "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" and you're more concerned with what she'd be doing here at home!
If you can't get over what happened two years ago, it's going to eat away at you and eventually affect the way you respond to and act towards your wife (if it hasn't already.) It's going to completely change your relationship with her and drive her away.
If you're waiting for another shoe to drop (another affair) then that's no way to live. It's unfair to her and you.
The counselor was suggesting building more independence by hanging out w/ my friends. Unfortunately, they're all single and usually go to Vegas for weekend trips. I wish they'd go bird watching, or to an aquarium, but they dont.
What happened will eat away at me. Things have been fine bc my wife has been very dedicated the last 2 years to repairing things. But now she has a new career which she has put all her time into, and there are men there interested in her there. I guess this is what real life will be like going forward ... divided attention between me and career .. before it was 80%/20% me / career ... and now it's 40%/60%. So that is further reason why i am lost now i'm missing a lot of my wife and she tries really hard to balance things ... i feel lonely and single at times bc of this as well.
Quote:She sounds very mature. You on the other hand, don't.
Instead of being proud of her for her achievements and supporting her in her new career, you're worried about the men at her workplace.
How childish! You really don't give her much credit.
Thank you for the straightforward advice. I think it is very true based on what I've written, and the perspective is great. I certainly have my share of problems in the marriage too.
One point i left out is that the reason she's been spending more time focusing on her career is bc of another man at work. A colleague of hers contacted me voicing concerns over them flirting with each other inappropriately at work. Regardless, your advice still applies. I hope i dont seem childish for being concerned about that. If i were stunting her career or life, i would certainly leave the relationship asap!
Well, then possibly she doesn't really want to be married afterall. But, I still think that you need to make a decision as to whether this is how you want to spend your days and years ahead.
Good luck DD
Quote:Well, then possibly she doesn't really want to be married afterall. But, I still think that you need to make a decision as to whether this is how you want to spend your days and years ahead.
Good luck DD
Thank you. That is a great part of my being lost ... i have no hard evidence anything inappropriate is going on (flirting is subjective), so i guess i need to just trust or shut up. Im just finding it's easier said than done.
It just seems that after the honeymoon period has worn out, when i get attention from my wife, she's either tired from the day, or having a conflict at work ... seems like her male friends / colleagues get her best otherwise which is hard.
This is probably a more realist adult relationship, and happycat may be right that i'm not mature enough to handle it w/ my trust issues.
DestinysDad wrote:The counselor was suggesting building more independence by hanging out w/ my friends. Unfortunately, they're all single and usually go to Vegas for weekend trips. I wish they'd go bird watching, or to an aquarium, but they dont.
That rings a bell from your previous posts. That she's more autonomous (for lack of a better word) than you are. That you kinda moon around waiting for her to pay attention to you while she has a variety of things going on.
If you're looking for something to DO rather than just giving up, that could be someplace to put your energies. If your current friends don't share your interests, make friends who do. Join a local bird-watching club. Take a class at the aquarium. Take the initiative.
Who in the hell called and told you that she was flirting with another man at work? Do you have people spying on her?
I'm with happycat. You really need to grow up and step into the real world.
Quote:Who in the hell called and told you that she was flirting with another man at work? Do you have people spying on her?
I'm with happycat. You really need to grow up and step into the real world.
My wife was warned about it from a colleague, and she shared it with me. I am learning a lot, and really working to make things work. I really do appreciate all the input.
DD- I understand where you're coming from cause I was there too, I just wasnt married to mine. And Soz is right, you have to either bite the bullet and put the past completely behind you or you have to cut ties and get a divorce.
I walked in on my boyfriend having an affair. He apologized and did everything he could to try and make things better and honestly tried. I just couldn't put it in the past. I was always checking up on where he was going, what he was doing and who with. Eventually he figured he'll never be able to live down being a cheater so he cheated again.
Sounds like this might be whats happening to you. She feels like she can't move on cause you're still convinced she'll stray again. You're not wrong for not having trust in her, but if you truly want to save the marriage you have to move on.
Quote:DD- I understand where you're coming from cause I was there too
I appreciate your post, and i can relate. Your experience certainly sounds more dramatic. Does that haunt in you in future relationships, or have you isolated it to just your ex-boyfriend?
Took me a good year or so before I could really just put it behind me. But I realized I wasn't giving anyone else a chance and was sabotaging potential relationships.
Its sucks but you just have to put your best foot forward and move on. It gets easier with time. You just have to decide is this worth salvaging? If so you have to put your full trust in her. Else she'll feel like there is no reason in staying faithful.
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