One good way to learn if someone is trustworthy is to.... oh.... I don't know.... meet them for coffee or have dinner with them, maybe go to a karoke bar and have fun, concerts are good, art shows, really the list is endless.
Dating should be fun, not scary. It's just a commitment of a few hours. Go with the idea that it will be fun. Nothing more. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't.
I don't know a single person who has not had their heart broken. That's how we learn. You can't just stop learning because someone broke your heart. I had two serious heart breaks (and broke a few) until I landed on the real deal. I wouldn't have recognized it if it hadn't been for the learning.
It seems to me that you have invested a lot in this guy and you haven't even gone on one date with him.
Just thought I'd offer a different perspective.
Hey boomer. Thanks for your insight. I know it should be fun not scary. I know I probably think too much and definitely analyze too much. That's the majority of the problem and what makes it appear that I've invested a lot in this guy I think. I don't really think I have at this point, but yes I've thought about starting to. I've mulled it over, picked it apart. Looked for inconsistencies in the things he says and does. All the things I didn't
do with my husband.
I ALWAYS start by trusting people until they show that they do not deserve my trust.
After that, however, I think it is impossible to win my trust back!
Having said that, that does not mean, that I would give a stranger 1000 Euro and expect them to give it back!
I might be trusting, but I am not stupid!
There was a time I used to do that too bohne. Those days, at least for now, are history.
Trust your first instincts. When you first meet a person you get certain "vibes". You are not yet emotionally entangled, so that you can be more objective than later on.
Looking back, I realize that I knew a lot about both my husbands the first time that I went out with them. Once I became involved, a lot was obscured.
If your first reactions are positive, let the "line" out, slowly. See how they react to small things. Don't trust anyone with something important, right from the getgo.
I had alright vibes from the get go about this guy. We've talked a lot on the phone but hadn't actually gone out yet. He had asked me the one time then blew it. Simply put, we were at the karaoke bar and had spent most of the evening talking. He worked up the courage to ask me out, I agree to dinner, and about ten minutes later some girl came up interrupted our conversation, was all over him, and I became invisible.
I knew this girl because she's been there before, usually all over any guy who will let her. I was debating if I wanted to say anything or not and instead just went to the bathroom. When I came back she had pulled him out on the dance floor and was all over him. You could tell by looking at him that he wasn't comfortable with this situation, however I decided "Screw it. He's just like every other guy who will chase after whatever he thinks is available." So I left.
I was just about to get in my truck and he came out the door. He apologized. I said thanks and I drove away. He left too. Another one bites the dust as far as I was concerned. About a week later he called me. We talked briefly about what had happened so ok, I know the girl pretty much chases anything she thinks she can take home for the night. I've watched her do it a lot. I know we weren't even dating at the time it happened. I wasn't jealous like that, I just was upset that someone could just flash their "stuff" in front of him like that and he'd follow right along like a lost puppy dog.
He kept calling, we kept talking, and eventually after a lot of thought I decided that guys are guys. I can't honestly say that I've met one yet that wouldn't respond on some level to the stuff this girl was doing that night. So I let it go... well put it on the back burner anyway, and went on a date with him finally. We went to a restaurant that does karaoke. Ate food, sang songs, and had a good 'ol time. No pressure. Nothing. It was just nice.
So I agreed to another date last night. We met at a little locals Karaoke bar after I got out of work. He was pretty much lit by the time I got there. *sigh* My defenses automatically went up. That is my number one turn off in life. A guy who's drunk drunk. I had only seen him like that once before out of several times I'd seen him from a distance at the karaoke bar. So I decided that it happens to the majority at some point. Taking one too many shots or whatever, so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now that it wasn't something that he did all the time.
He wasn't sloppy drunk though. Had he been like that I would have turned around and walked right back out the door. So anyway, to make a long story short we sat talked. Well... he talked. A lot. He kind of just laid it all out there, which really surprised me. I don't know if it's just because he was drunk and feeling no pain at that point, or if it was genuine. I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. I didn't really say much of anything back to him last night.
I'm still debating what I'm going to say today when he calls. Don't get me wrong. He didn't get too forward with what he was saying, like, "Oh I love you baby, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you." Nothing like that. Just sweet stuff. Like how beautiful he thinks I am. How much he enjoys talking to me, spending time with me, whatever. How he's not going to make the first move even to kiss me because he wants it to happen when I'm comfortable. That kind of thing.
So there it is. I know I kind of let this thread die. I'm sorry if it felt like I was ignoring anyone. Since my dad died I don't really spend much time just sitting around anymore. It seems to help me not dwell on the fact that he's not here. I appreciate the advice that you all have given though. I'm just scared that's all. I tend to be a bit of an extremist on things. I swing way one way... like trusting too much, then waaay the other way... like not trusting at all. It sure would be nice to find some balance. I guess that's what I'm looking for here.
Flushd... I love you new name! Thanks for sharing what you did. It really helps to know someone has struggled on the same level as I am right now. I understand what you are saying, and maybe you're right. Maybe I don't really trust myself and that's the real issue here. I haven't ever really thought about it that way. However I can definitely see the truth in that. Ummm... so I guess that leaves me with one more question... if I don't trust myself does that somehow make me unfit for a relationship?
... The last thing I want to do here is end up stringing him along and hurting him in the end because I can't trust myself enough to let myself trust anyone else. I'd say he's invested a lot more at this point than I have. It makes me want to invest some. I don't know. I just don't want to hurt anyone, but how will I ever learn how to trust myself if I don't ever take a chance right? It doesn't have to be huge. Just one step at a time. So it all makes sense to me, it's just taking that first step is scary because I don't want to step out too far. Argh... I'm thinking too much again.... *sigh*