Is cheating acceptable?

Nope, No way, never.
I'm against it.

If cheating occurs, IMO, it's a sign that the cheater is not getting what they need/want out of a relationship. They should have the guts to work out the problem in the relationship or get out, before screwing things up even more.

So says someone who has cheated... Not proud of myself, but willing to admit what I've done. And say that by cheating, I was unhappy with relationship, and should have dealt with that before screwing around... No excuse! Maybe I grew up.

I'm now with someone that I have never imagined cheating on, no fantasies about other men, no flirting, no wandering eye. No boredom!

I'm very lucky.

Define cheating.

Acting out your fantasies with someone else. Literally. We're all human, we think, we wonder, whatever... I think to a certain extent that's normal. Even to look. But to literally make arrangements, meet somewhere, do the deed. Sneak around, and then go home and act like everything is juuust fine. I'm borderline on the kissing thing, or maybe anything less than sex itself. (though oral sex is still sex to me) I think maybe it's the intent behind it, just as much as the action itself.

I realize there can be some gray area's to this whole thing. But what are they? Let's say you're at a social gathering, the wife goes home early because she's sick, you haven't had sex in a month because she mysteriously has a headache every time you try. Some really hot chick starts hitting on you, and a few drinks later you're in bed. Is that cheating? Or just too much alcohol effecting your better judgment?

Is there a line that can be drawn on this? Or is it an individual decision as to what is considered cheating?

I think it's very individual. Certainly, intercourse is cheating but so might a situation that is completely non-physical be cheating. We have an active thread on the board today where a married man is talking to a woman about the things he wants to do with her. Is he cheating?

That's a very good question. Like I said, I think it's the intent behind it, just as much as the actual action of doing it. Everyone's relationships seem to have different perimeters. Some people seem to have the kind of relationship that it's understood, he/she comes here, or maybe goes to some other forum, screws around with his/her friends, but ultimately it's all in fun and games and they know they're the one he/she's in bed with every night.

So my answer would be it depends on the perimeters they've set for their relationship.

Re: Is cheating acceptable?
Then going back to your original post -- Given that my definition of cheating may not be the same as yours (or even the same as my partner's), I mostly agree with this:




I wouldn't have said 'disgustingly wrong', but I do think it's wrong.



Yes, I do think there are circumstances that justify cheating. One such example is the situation where one of the partners is in a chronic vegetative state (think Terri Schiavo) or otherwise unable to participate in the marriage. I think the other partner is justified in having an extramarital relationship under such circumstances.

Been on different ends of the cheating thing, was first cheated on and then was cheated with. No I don't think cheating in general is acceptable.

Simple definition, JPB - if you or your partner think it's cheating, it is! As such, it is damaging to the relationship, and therefore unacceptable. So I'm old fashioned, but that's still the way it looks to me.

I agree to a point, cowdoc. Each of us get to define when we feel 'cheated on'. That may be the same thing to both people in a relationship and it may not. For instance, we get folks here all the time who think their spouses are cheating on them if they spend time looking at porn. The porn-watchers invariably think they aren't cheating. Are they both right?

Probably, but the status of the relationship should still be the paramount consideration. Simply a matter of priorities on the part of both individuals. Being "right" is less important to me than being alone.

I don't worry much about being right. With me, it's more about consideration for the feelings of my partner. This is where I agree with your definition in general. There are times, however, when someone's definition of cheating is very broad and includes actions that would be considered commonplace outside that one person's view.

While taking the feelings of my partner into consideration, my definition is more in terms of how a certain action would make me feel. I'm big on being able to look at myself in the mirror without guilt or shame. If I were to do something that would make me feel guilty or ashamed of myself, or if I were to do something that I wouldn't feel comfortable telling my partner then I have cheated.

I'd say we're on the same page in many respects. It's a little similar to some of the "ethics in government" discussions I've had over the past few years. My contention has been that, to determine whether an action is ethical, you should simply ask yourself if it is the right thing to do. At that point, if you have to think about the question more than a couple of seconds, it isn't.