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A HAPPY MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP AND MISERY GO HAND IN HAND

 
 
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2007 09:59 am
do you want a happy marriage/relationship ?
simple ... just accept a bit of misery - occasionally - and all will be well !
if you are looking for nirvana to occur on a daily basis , you better have your head examined ! (and instead of looking for marriage/relationship , buy yourself a dog or even better , a goldfish or two Laughing )
51 happy years and counting Very Happy
hbg

the BBC reports :
Quote:
Misery: the secret to happiness
The key to a happy relationship could be accepting that some miserable times are unavoidable, experts say.
Therapists from California State University, Northridge and Virginia Tech say accepting these problems is better than striving for perfection.

And they blame cultural fairytales and modern love stories for perpetuating the myth that enjoying a perfect relationship is possible.

The report was published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.


The pursuit of relationship nirvana can be potentially damaging
Jan Parker

The authors, Dr Diane Gehart and Dr Eric McCollum say it is a "myth that, with enough effort we can achieve a state without suffering."

And they say healthcare professionals may not be helping the situation.

"The field of mental health perpetuates this myth with the very concept of "mental health," which implies a state without suffering," they say.

Potentially damaging

But this belief can eventually cause people to believe that with enough effort they can eliminate suffering.

And experts say this is an unrealistic aim in relationships, and striving to achieve it can lead people to feel they have failed.

Jan Parker of the Association of Family Therapy said: "The authors are right to point out that the pursuit of relationship nirvana can be potentially damaging."

She said it was important to explore what people mean by a happy and healthy relationship, because nobody's life or relationship can be in a permanent state of happiness - there will always be more difficult times.

She said couples need to build strengths, such as understanding, in their relationships to help them cope in these hard times and appreciate the good times.

Mrs Nadine Field, a consultant psychologist, said it was a "fantasy" that any relationship could be perfect and that striving for such an impossible state could lead to bitter disappointment.

She said this disappointment could then cause people to focus on the negative aspects of a relationship, and lead to more disappointment and resentment.

She said: "People need to try to understand their partners through communication, rather than demanding perfection of them."

Meditation

The authors recommend using mindfulness, a Buddhist meditation technique, to help cope with family suffering.

The technique requires individuals to focus on their present thoughts and actions, and is already used by some psychiatrists in the UK.

They say although Buddhism is considered a major religion, the technique is taken from Buddhist psychology which could be useful aside from Buddhism's spiritual beliefs and practices.

The authors say family therapists can integrate the principles into their work to help patients change the way they relate to the forms of suffering that can occur in intimate relationships, such as abuse, divorce, rejection, and loss.




source :
WANT A HAPPY MARRIAGE ? JUST ACCEPT SOME MISERY !
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 1,206 • Replies: 14
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mushypancakes
 
  1  
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2007 10:02 am
In other words, Grow Up ! Laughing
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2007 10:16 am
I think I'm going to be linking to this a lot.
0 Replies
 
hamburger
 
  1  
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2007 10:32 am
soz wrote :

Quote:
I think I'm going to be linking to this a lot.


in germany it used to be a custom to have importatnt sayings/phrases embroidered on what was called a PARADEKISSEN - a cushion/pillow not be be used for putting your head on but for "exhibition" .
perhaps you may want to consider that Laughing
i'll look for a sample - actually saw them in a german heritage museum in braunsfeld/texas last - the last bastion of german heritage !
hbg
0 Replies
 
hamburger
 
  1  
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2007 10:40 am
soz :
not quite what i was looking for , but will have to do for now - i believe it's a tablecloth .
"schnell und frisch gibt guten tisch"
"fast and fresh sets a nice/good table" (?)

i think you get the idea - some of these items had quite "distinct" messages !
hbg


http://foto.arcor-online.net/palb/alben/77/1065477/3664626330313635.jpg
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2007 11:17 am
My grandmother used to have tons of these embroidered pillows and
kitchen towels, and she did them all herself. I wish I had one of hers...

Quote:
She said: "People need to try to understand their partners through communication, rather than demanding perfection of them."


Yes, communication is the answer to most problems, and being a grown up
is a prerequisite for marriage.
0 Replies
 
eoe
 
  1  
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2007 12:37 pm
You can't appreciate the good without the bad.

We can all stand to remember that.
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hamburger
 
  1  
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2007 07:33 pm
one of my grand-dads had a pillow embroidered by his wife (the text was low-german as spoken in hamburg) :

wenn he slopt denn snarckt he ,
un wenn he wokt denn quarkt he ,
wat he deid is richtig ,
un wat he seggt is wichtig

when he sleeps , he snores ,
when he's awake he quarrels ,
what he does is (always) right ,
and what he says is (always) important !

wish i had his pillow now Laughing
hbg
0 Replies
 
Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2007 10:15 am
I'm reminded of generations of little girls stitching pious mottos on samplers to demonstrate their skill at embroidery.
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2007 12:29 pm
I always thought that "The Lockhorns" had been patterned by me & Mr. P. Egads, we can fight about the time of day, but we are together for almost 42 years, and will be married 40 years this August.











[size=7]Where do I pick up my medal???[/size]
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2007 12:32 pm
I read "where do I pick up my meds?" Laughing
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2007 12:34 pm
CalamityJane wrote:
I read "where do I pick up my meds?" Laughing


That too. Sometimes a bit of "mother's helper" can make the most obnoxious situations a tad more agreeable! Laughing
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Mon 4 Jun, 2007 03:55 am
Phoenix32890 wrote:
I always thought that "The Lockhorns" had been patterned by me & Mr. P. Egads, we can fight about the time of day, but we are together for almost 42 years, and will be married 40 years this August.











[size=7]Where do I pick up my medal???[/size]


The Lockhorns are drawn by a man and wife (just the wife now, I understand) who were friends with my doctor growing up. There were (dunno if there still are) references to a Dr. Blog, and that was him. Unfortunately, it's pretty much impossible to find any of that, due to the new meaning of the word "blog".

Oh -- and being unhappy to be happy -- seems kinda intuitive. Anyone vying for perfection is bound to be disappointed in life.
0 Replies
 
Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Mon 4 Jun, 2007 01:04 pm
I understand there is a specific term to describe the let-down felt by many brides after having staged and starred in The Perfect Wedding.

I've noticed that a lot of people feel that any misery in their lives is totally and completely unfair; that they are entitled to perpetual sunshine and good fortune.
0 Replies
 
hamburger
 
  1  
Reply Mon 4 Jun, 2007 01:44 pm
noddy wrote :

Quote:
I've noticed that a lot of people feel that any misery in their lives is totally and completely unfair; that they are entitled to perpetual sunshine and good fortune.


i hereby request that i will be "entitled to perpetual sunshine and good fortune " , and furthermore , that no one will interfere with that right given to me by devine intervention Laughing Exclamation
hbg

ps : if any crumbs drop off my table , i will graciously allow anyone to catch said crumbs - in economics it's called the "trickle down" (or crumbs falling of table) theory , i believe - it's good for everyone .
0 Replies
 
 

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