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Fri 1 Jun, 2007 01:59 am
I was here x number of months ago...and that time, it was about how hard the first year of marriage was turning out to be.
We went for counselling following months of a steady stream of big ticket life items like, job changes, marriagedom, moving homes, and having a miscarriage. The counsellor was great, and getting that 1 1/2h mandatory "relationship" time with the husband was awesome. And then we got pregnant again.
This time everything - belly and baby wise - seems to be on track. But my husband has not changed. His work comes first and foremost. He is emotionally fulfilled by his work and his employees, leaving him with no inclination to seek out or appreciate even the more obvious ways in which marriage could contribute to the quality of one's life.
He is completely consumed by every aspect of his business, his employees, his clients, etc. Unlike the last time I was here, this time, I am reconciled to the fact that my husband is still living a single life - in single minded pursuit of his big love - his business, and will not give this up for me or our unborn baby. I have idly considered leaving him, to take care of raising my baby myself - thereby erasing the confusion that arises with unmet expectations when you live with somebody who is supposed to be a partner, but isn't.
But my sister has advised against it, saying that since I will be raising my child alone, it would be foolish to throw in the added stress of trying to find an apartment and getting it ready in the few months I have, before I deliver.
While he may not be cheating on me, in the conventional sense of the term, I am second fiddle to his work. He is not necessarily intellectually fulfilled at work (stimulated, but not fulfilled), but he is emotionally satiated by his interactions with key employees. With some of whom, he spends what I consider unnecessarily vasts amounts of time, chatting about everything business or non-business related. His top sucker-upper of time happens to be a woman on the team. But I don't believe I am sharing my marriage with her. I do know that I am sharing my husband with his business. On any given day of the week, he would rather be at work, and then at home, working on work, than spending time with me, or the belly that we have made together.
A long year and a half have gone by. And, frankly, outside of feeling like a complete fool for leading myself down this path, I am at a loss with respect to what I should do. Thus far, my lack of sleep, and deep sadness are impacting my unborn baby. I know that I have to tackle that end of things. But with respect to my husband....what do the experts have to say?
I am certainly no expert, and due to my bad memory, I don't remember your old thread without looking it up, which I might do later...
However, the advice I ALWAYS give in this kind of situation:
It is YOU, who has to make this decision, not your sister, not your mother, not your friend, not your neighbour.
You have to make it and you have to live with it.
If you feel that it would be best for you and the baby to leave, then leave.
Have you mentioned to your husband that this is an option for you?
Maybe that will wake him up!
It will not be easy on your own, but by the sound of it, it is not easy for you now either.
And in the end, whatever makes you happy will make your baby happy, and happyness is well worth making an effort for!
I would agree wholeheartedly with Bohne. Have you talked to him and told him in no uncertain terms that unless the two of you can fix what is wrong in your relationship that you would have to consider a seperation. It may well be what wakes him up. Who knows. But in the end, you have to make the decision on your own and take responsibility for that decision. Listening to mom, sis or anyone else will only open up the possibility that you will one day blame them if things don't work out as you hope.
HotS -- this is from your previous thread on R&M
heartofthesun wrote:just sent out my cv to an institute in NY. let's see what happens.
since husband and i decided to lead independent lives and only schedule in joint ventures, it has been easier for me to be less neurotic. i do not have to wait up for him anymore, aside from the one day in the week when i plan something for the 2 of us, and one day of the week, when it is his date night. this weekend, he gave up a hank williams play/musical for a gay holiday special for me! the gay holiday special, btw, was amazing!
) now, it's my turn to do something for him on my date night...which is..i don't know, i think friday.
It sounds as if you and your husband have been very businesslike in your relationship for some time. That may be the only way he can associate but it doesn't seem as if there is much different today than there was last winter.
I don't think this is about the baby, I think this is about your relationship on a much wider plane.
Please don't take offence, but have you considered that your husband may be over consumed with his business because of his need to provide for his family.
Being a good provider may just be his way of showing you that he loves you. I'd be more worried if he let the business go belly up.
By the way if you don't think he would cheat on you, you really don't know how well off you are. There are not alot of today women who can say that they don't think their husband is cheating.
Also as you are pregnant, your hormones are all over the place, don't let this cloud your judgement. My motto is , if in doubt do nothing, and it's always worked for me.
Hi Heartofthesun,
To me the decision should be up to you. Just remember all action has its consequences.
If you to stay with him, there's a high possiblity to be disappointed and neglected again because face it, he will not change overnight. You need to remind him again and again. For how long it take... you will never know.
And if you are to leave him, you need to find a place to, cope up with the financial needs, expectation of being a single mum,and so on and on.
Either way it is a road of tough and painful journey, but whatever it is you will learn to cope with it till eventually it will get easier.
The fact is, the baby is not real to most men until it is born.
Remember, they don't carry them. They don't feel them move, etc. The baby doesn't affect every moment of their day. They just see their wife changing (not always in pleasant ways) and know something's coming. The baby is a future thing for them, while it's very much a present occurrence for the woman. They may play along, but they don't really "get into gear" until it's born.
Eva wrote:The fact is, the baby is not real to most men until it is born.
Remember, they don't carry them. They don't feel them move, etc. The baby doesn't affect every moment of their day. They just see their wife changing (not always in pleasant ways) and know something's coming. The baby is a future thing for them, while it's very much a present occurrence for the woman. They may play along, but they don't really "get into gear" until it's born.
As a father three times over... this is insulting.
You have a low (and mistaken) estimation of fathers.
I'm sorry, ebrown. I didn't mean to be insulting, and I certainly don't have a low estimation of fathers. Many men are very involved with their partners' pregnancies. My husband was. Undoubtedly, those who do get involved early on make better fathers. I wish all men would. Unfortunately, they don't. (Like the husband of our poster here.) Many wait until the baby is born to get fully engaged. Some unwisely wait even longer, then wonder why they can't get close to their children. I bet you've seen this happen too, haven't you?
The obvious fact remains, pregnancy is not an equal proposition. It is the woman who is pregnant. The baby is real to her in ways that a man simply cannot experience, no matter how empathetic and involved he may be. And women should remember that before they criticize a man for not feeling the same way they do. I remember being frustrated that I couldn't adequately express everything about the pregnancy to my husband. He tried, bless his heart, but he really couldn't understand some of it. I think that's only natural.
I hope that heartofthesun's husband will come around before their baby is born. But if he is like some men, his attitude may change once the baby is here. She can hope.
Quote:
The obvious fact remains, pregnancy is not an equal proposition.
And this is the problem.
Fathers are now expected to take greater responsibility in the traditionally female parts of child rearing (i.e. changing diapers, or even helping with the delivery process).
However Fathers don't get any more respect, or any more rights with the process.
The process of reproduction and parenting in modern society is very anti-father.
You really think so? I think a lot of women would say it's "anti-mother."
Regarding parenting, I have a LOT more respect for today's involved fathers than for fathers in my dad's generation. Many women do. And in the case of divorce, mothers no longer automatically get sole custody. Joint custody is the norm now. That's a huge leap ahead for fathers' rights (assuming they want custody.)
Regarding reproduction...when the day arrives that men can get pregnant too, things will be equal.
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