my introduction..

What's the essay about?



1. Maybe you don't want to say that,
2. That's not true in all the cases (refering to your second assertion in the sentence). Ofcourse most men are attracted to women (and not men), and believe me, not all woman are attractive, and very few could win over my heart; maybe just my eyes...

yowsa

Maybe it should read something like: "Their intelligence is far beyond any man's"

That would probably be more accurate.

I'm not ashamed to admit that women are smarter than men. As long as I have my beer I will let you do the thinking.

It's why women invented beer.

Devious

But effective

...especially when combined with TV. Notice that women did not start to become liberated until both were invented and men were sucked into the black hole of Monday night football and Budwiser.

But then Desperate Housewives came along and women, too, had their brains sucked out.

Mine were sucked out by shows like The Brady Bunch and The Monkees. Lucky they grew back after 15+ years without TV.

TV, in the age of cable, if used properly, can be a very effective educational tool. If one watches the right programs you will learn something every day. If, however, you stick with the reality shows your brain will soon turn to pudding.

Look what happened to mysteryman.

haha well said...

I don't know what kind of essay you are writing. But if you are looking for something powerful, Try stating things that are not common knowledge try a new angle,prospective. And most of all don't use this i quote you "Their intelligence is not far behind of any men's, and they use their physical appearance advantages to win " thats a no no. you are agreeing that a woman is dumber and less capable than a man. Thats crazy talk. Women tend to be more intelligent than men. (maybe not street smarts) but overall. If I were a woman and you submitted this to me I would have to question you're motive on the piece. I hope I could have been a little help to you. Thxs for your time.
Garth809

It would help to know the purpose of your essay, and its intended reader(s). In the meantime, lets see if we can edit your quotation into something a little better.

"In the past, many women were looked down by men, who thought of as incapable of being parts of the society. Their main roles were only seen as nourishing young, and doing chores around the house. Men had always stood a higher level in the society than women. However, in many of today's societies, women are standing equally along men - some might be higher. Their intelligence is not far behind of any men's, and they use their physical appearance advantages to win over many men's hearts. Women have proven to be just as capable as men in many

societies. In Lysistrata, Aristophanes tries to show his all-male audience that women are just as capable as men in terms of intelligence, power, and social influence."

An opening should grab the reader's attention, and cause them to want to read to the end of the introduction/chapter, etc. In your piece, the sentences need to be simplified. Long or complex sentences are more difficult to understand, and are more prone to having grammatical errors. Try to keep your sentences around 14 words in length, and dealing with a single thought. Edit out un-necessary words, and be very careful of over using adjectives. Build from your first sentence to the last a structure that carries along your concept to a logical conclusion.

"In the past, many women were looked down by men, who thought of as incapable of being parts of the society." Lets shorten the opening sentence then change and rearrange the words. "Down through the centuries many men have looked down on women." Now we'll move "Women are incapable of contributing to society" and combine this with the following sentence:

Their main roles were only seen as nourishing young, and doing chores around the house. "Women are only capable of nourishing children and keeping house; they are incapable of contributing anything more to society". I've made this a compound sentence separated by a semicolon. It could also work as two independent sentences separated by a period, but I wanted to demonstrate how useful a semicolon can be.

Men had always stood a higher level in the society than women. However, in many of today's societies, women are standing equally along men - some might be higher. Actually there have been many societies where women held the dominant role. Here, I'm going to try combining two sentences to achieve a better effect. "Today freed from male domination, women have shown they can equal or surpass men in many fields."

Their intelligence is not far behind of any men's, and they use their physical appearance advantages to win over many men's hearts. Here you've combined two different thoughts into a single sentence, so lets. break this into two sentences and hopefully improve the word choices. "Women are just as smart as men. They no longer need to use their attractiveness to get things done."

Women have proven to be just as capable as men in many societies. Is this sentence even necessary to carry your thought? I think I might cut this entirely.

In Lysistrata, Aristophanes tries to show his all-male audience that women are just as capable as men in terms of intelligence, power, and social influence. This sentence appears to be just tacked on to the end of the paragraph. How does it connect and advance the thought? Should this sentence be moved elsewhere in the paragraph? Here is the edited sentence: "Aristophanes, writing for an all male audience in "Lysistrata", demonstrates the intelligence, power and social influence of women". That's a bit long and could probably be written better.

Down through the centuries many men have looked down on women. "Women are only capable of nourishing children and keeping house; they are incapable of contributing anything more to society." Aristophanes, writing for an all male audience in "Lysistrata", demonstrates the intelligence, power and social influence of women. Today freed from male domination, women have shown they can equal or surpass men in many fields. Women are just as smart as men. They no longer need to use their attractiveness to get things done.

This version has 84 words, your original had 125 words. Was anything lost? Is this version closer to your thought?

The key to most good writing is editing. Once you have the main structure, go back and edit, edit, edit. We try to avoid doing student's homework for them, so let this be a guide and demonstration of how the language can be used. It is not a substitute for your own work.

wow...i dont know what to say....

i seriously suck at this

btw, a women is gonna read this... so if i say anything offensive about women... i get screwed over easily