Reply
Sun 27 May, 2007 09:15 am
Do the right thing: A guide to decorous behaviour down the ages
Published: 27 May 2007
Research by Simon Usborne
Independent UK
Need to draw up a seating plan for dinner? Hire a servant? Deal with the aftermath of a tricky one-night stand? Let these guides to the most decorous behaviour down the ages show you the way
1. The English Gentleman, by Richard Braithwaite, 1630
How a Gentleman is to bestow himself in recreation
As one said of Love, that it should be a toy and no toyle; so say I of Recreation; the spirits should be cheered by it, not drowned in it; refreshed, not depressed. I doe not like of this eagernesse after pleasure; for it argues too much sensuality; The minde should be so tempered, as it may shew an indifferencie to the use of pleasure. Which I have surely found, as a maine errour in most part of young Gentlemen; whose eager appetite so unmeasurably pursuing the quest of pleasure, cannot containe it selfe from expressing outwardly, the love it conceives to such a pleasure inwardly.
It is an excellent thing to moderate our joyes, by considering the shortnesse of them; and to allay the height of them, by observing what breaches or intermissions are incident to them. Wherefore above all, it becommeth a Gentleman to be circumspect in this kinde, for even by his outward carriage may his weaknesse bee discovered. Sure I am, there is nothing that tasteth more of true wisdome, than to temper our desires in effects of joy.
2. Instructions for Youth, Gentlemen and Noblemen, by Sir Walter Raleigh (1552-1618), and others. Printed 1722
Private quarrels to be avoided
Be careful to avoid publick Disputations at Feasts, or at Tables, among cholerick or quarrelsome Persons; and eschew evermore to be acquainted or familiar with Ruffians, for thou shalt be in as much Danger in contending with a Brawler in a private Quarrel, as in a Battle, wherein thou mayest get Honour to thy self, and Safety to thy Prince and Country; but if thou be once (omega)
engaged, carry thyself bravely, that they may fear thee after. To shun therefore private Fights, be well advised in thy Words and Behaviour; for Honour and Shame is in the Talk, and the Tongue of a Man causeth him to fall.
What sort of servants are fittest to be entertained
Let thy Servants be such as though mayest command; and entertain none about thee but Yeomen, to whom thou givest Wages; for those that will serve thee without any Hire, will cost thee treble as much as they that know thy Fare. If thou trust any Servant with thy Purse, be sure thou take his Account e'er thou sleep; for if thou put it off, thou wilt then afterwards, for Tedioussness, neglect it. I my self have thereby lost more than I am worth. And whatsoever thy Servant gaineth thereby, he will never thank thee, but laugh thy Simplicity to scorn; and besides, 'tis the Way to make thy Servants Thieves, which else would be honest.
What Inconveniences happen to such as delight in Wine.
Take special Care that thou delight not in Wine, for there never was any Man that came to Honour or Preferment that loved it; for it transformeth a Man into a Beast, decayeth Health, poisoneth the Breath, destroyeth natural Heat, brings a Man's Stomach to an artificial Heat, deformeth the Face, rotteth the Teeth; and to conclude, maketh a Man contemptible, soon old, and despised of all wife and worthy Men; hated in thy Servants, in thy self and Companions; for it is a bewitching and infectious Vice: and remember my Words, that it were better for a Man to be subject to any Vice, than to it, for all other Vanities and Sins are recovered, but a Drunkard will never shake off the Delight of Beastliness; for the longer it possesseth a Man, the more he will delight in it, and the elder he groweth, the more he shall be subject to it; for it dulleth the Spirits, and destroyeth the Body, as Ivy doth the old Tree, or as the Worm that engendereth in the Kernel of the Nut.
3. Society Small Talk or What to Say and When to Say It, by a member of the aristocracy, 1879
Dinner-table talk
Pleasant, agreeable "small talk," necessary as it is on all social occasions, is more particularly so at the most important of all social gatherings, namely, dinner parties, and it is at dinner-parties that the greatest call is made upon the social qualities of the guests, and upon their powers of making themselves agreeable...
To make pleasant easy small talk is to pave the way towards pleasant companionship, and the slightest thread is capable of being woven into a substantial fabric. A matter-of-fact conversation often commences in this wise, "We must take care not to tread upon that smart train," referring to the dress of a lady who was preceding a couple to the dining room.
"Yes, that would never do; trains are very graceful, if they are inconvenient," To which her companion might observe-
"Oh, I admire them, of course; I am only so afraid of treading upon them, and of bringing down the wrath of the fair wearer upon my devoted head. "
"Are you very unlucky in this way? And do you think a woman could not keep her temper if her gown were trodden upon?" (omega)
"Well, if you ask me really what I think about it, I should say she was a very exceptional woman if she stood such a test - but here we are; we are to sit this side."
Or- "Have you been to the French plays? I suppose you have."
"No, indeed, I have not; we thought of going one night next week, if we can get stalls."
"If you want to see a really good piece you should try and see____" and at this point of the conversation the name of the "only piece worth seeing" would be mentioned, and if the lady were endowed with tact and cleverness, she would lead her companion to give her his impressions of the piece, and of the cast; by which means she would gain a certain knowledge of the subject, while he would gain, what men most appreciate, a good listener. On such slight foundations as the foregoing, does the matter of fact, or the commonplace small talk rest. The gossipy and the polite small talk have a still flimsier raison d'être and run very much after this fashion.
4. Party-Giving on Every Scale, or The Cost of Entertainments with the Fashionable Modes of Arrangement, 1882
Breakfast Parties
Although punctuality on the part of guests with regard to their coming down to breakfast is not compulsory, it is yet more courteous to the host and hostess and more conducive to the comfort of the guests themselves when some regard is paid to the sound of the breakfast gong; and though a host and hostess do not wait breakfast for their guests, it yet appears unsociable to sit down to table without them, and a hostess who is solicitous for the bien être of her guests, is vexed when everything is half-cold before their entrance. The eight o'clock cup of tea sent to the members of a family, and to their guests, is so usual an attention, and is so appreciated by all, that none but the most economical and penurious of housekeepers attempt to dispense with it, the cost being of so trifling a character...
Many heads of households have a rooted objection to that much abused culinary article, the frying pan; while indifferent cooks entertain a decided partiality for it, and lamb chops, kidneys, and rashers of bacon are indiscriminately sacrificed to it. Thus the ubiquitous dish of eggs and bacon is, thanks to the frying-pan, not always the delicacy requisite to tempt fastidious appetites, and a dish of toasted bacon and poached eggs, puts a dish of fried bacon with its setting of half cold fat and suspicious looking eggs to the blush.
5. Manners and Rules of Good Society, or Solecisms to be Avoided, by a member of the aristocracy, 1913
Suppers
The precedency observed in sending guests in to supper is far more punctiliously followed in the country than in town. The host should take in the lady of highest rank present, and the hostess should endeavour to send in the principal guests according to their individual rank; but in town she generally leaves the guests to follow the host and lady of highest rank according to their inclinations, a guest should not enter the supper-room before the host has done so.
When a gentleman takes a lady in to supper, he should re-conduct her to the ball-room as a matter of course; the fact of friends joining her in the supper-room would not relieve him from his obligation. And the same etiquette applies equally to a lady. She should return to the ball-room only with the gentleman who has taken her down to supper, unless she is engaged for the ensuing dance, when her partner might come in quest of her; she should then return to the ball-room with him.
6. The Book of Etiquette, by Lady Troubridge, 1926
Receiving gentlemen in hotels
A gentleman calling upon a lady staying in a hotel makes the same inquiry as if he were calling at a private house. "Is Miss So-and-so in?" He then gives his name to the clerk, who will either telephone to the lady's room, or send a servant to inquire if she is in, should there be no installation of bedroom-telephones in the hotel.
The lady should not refuse to see a visitor without offering some excuse. If she is expecting the visitor, she should be waiting in the drawing-room or lounge, having left word at the office where she may be found when her visitor arrives. It is quite permissible for the lady to send a message to the gentleman asking him to wait if she is not ready to see visitors. But if the visit is expected, it is a greater courtesy on the lady's part to be downstairs and ready to receive the gentleman. For a woman to receive a man in her bedroom at a hotel is to break an important convention, and should never be done. It places both in a false position and is a serious blunder in hotel etiquette.
If a gentleman calls upon a lady at any hotel, whether it is a social or business call, and finds that she is not in, he leaves his card for her with the clerk in the office. He should, however, write her name at the top of the card, as without this indication the card may go to the wrong guest, it being impossible for reception clerks to remember the names of all the guests upon whom cards are left.
7. This Huntin' Business, by Duncan Fife, 1934
There are some things which are really not done in the hunting field - at least, they ARE DONE, but that's not my fault, they shouldn't be. These mistakes are usually brought about by inexperience, over experience, or as an experiment, and we will take the first to begin with.
Arriving upon the scene of operations in a glittering saloon, complete with fur coat, rug, and foot-warmer, Thermos, a lot of food and the other stuff, chauffeur, and all the doings, our friend steps out with negligence, throws open his overcoat, unwinds several feet of scarf, does the usual business with cigarette and petrol lighter and opens with a smile.
He raises his hat to a nice bit of goods who unfortunately doesn't know him - and shows it - then peers into its inside, fingering the lining etc. to cover an awkward moment before replacing. He then strolls across to where his groom is holding his horse - a doped looking animal of extreme safety - and is aghast at the size it appears to be from the ground.
Half an hour later he is more or less in the saddle when a stinging drop of rain causes him to call for his mac. This adjusted, a second drop arrives, and - having left his umbrella at home - he decides to give hunting a miss, gets back into the shining automobile, and departs, while his groom hacks 25 miles back to his quarters.
8. The Complete book of Etiquette, Amy Vanderbilt, 1952
I believe that knowledge of the rules of living in our society makes us more comfortable... some of the rudest and most objectionable people I have ever known have been technically the most "correct." Some of the warmest, most lovable, have had little more than an innate feeling of what is right toward others. But, at the same time, they have had the intelligence to inform themselves, as necessary, on the rules of social intercourse as related to their own experiences. Only a great fool or a great genius is likely to flout all social grace with impunity, and neither one, doing so, makes the most comfortable companion.
How do you teach a child good household manners, especially things like not leaving the bathroom in a mess?
As soon as a child can read, post a gentle reminder on a bulletin board or a central place, detailing the things you have been teaching him during these early years - a litany of "do this" and "don't do that." (Be sure there are many more "dos" than "don'ts".)
Make your behaviour list fun. Draw some appropriately happy or sad faces around it, or paste some cut-out figures on the chart. Give the child a paste-on gold star for a "specially good week" as a reward symbol. Don't expect an overnight miracle, but a child can learn to see the logic in good manners and having consideration for others. It means better living for everyone in the house, and a young child is often more logical than his parents!
If there's supposed to be an even number of each sex at a seated meal, what can one do when it seems all one's friends are widows and divorcees? I feel terrible putting two women next to each other, and spend hours on the telephone trying to round up single men.
Don't spend your time on the telephone, particularly since the results might not be fortunate. A woman would much rather sit next to another attractive intelligent woman than be forced to make conversation with an unattractive dullard.
If you can match the sexes evenly, fine, but if you can't do be upset. Women can sit very happily next to each other, if the only extra men available are less than passable.
The same holds true when there are too many men and there are no attractive extra women available. Two men can enjoy sitting next to each other, too! (Unfortunately, the older the generations grow, the fewer times a shortage of women occurs!) (omega)
9. Debrett's New Guide to Etiquette and Modern Manners by John Morgan, 1996
Hats
These are pivotal to the woman's smart day wardrobe. They are de rigueur at weddings, Royal Ascot and other smart races. They are preferable but no longer essential at royal garden parties, christenings and other church services. Unlike their grandmothers, most women today are unused to wearing hats (particularly large ones) and are thus prone to spatial misapprehensions and clumsy collisions when meeting and greeting. A very social friend recommends practising with a new hat at home to avoid embarrassment on the day. She also cautions about wearing millinery that is too small and points out that, whereas it is easy to make a hat smaller, the reverse is almost impossible. Veils, too, for all their allure, need practice, particularly by smokers and messy eaters.
The Office Party
The major behavioural pitfalls of such events are drunkenness and indiscretions, both sexual and professional. All are inadvisable and most are bad manners. Etiquette (and kindness) demands that no one within the department/company should be left out of the invitation list and that guests should circulate and not stick to their usual cronies. If there is dancing, the same applies, and the plain, the unpopular and the unimportant should not be made to feel like wallflowers. It is bad manners and pushy to monopolise the boss, who will want to circulate. On the other hand it is rude not to talk to him or her - albeit briefly. If there are spouses present, then the old idea of the first and last dances being theirs still holds. Couples, no matter what the state of their relationship, must present a united front in the office. It is not expected to write a thank-you letter after an informal office party. However, if it has been a formal, expensive bash, then it is polite to pen a few words of appreciation afterwards.
10. Debrett's Etiquette for Girls, 2006
Meeting Celebrity
Planet celebrity is an alien world. It is a vertical community where only the truly, hugely famous are afforded a royalty status of sorts. It is also a place where all eventually take leave of usual social responsibilities. After reaching a certain level of fame and recognition, very few are inclined to condescend to humour the minions and, unlike royalty, are not obliged to either. Psycho fans and fame hags are permanently on the rampage, so any mere civilian is advised to brace themselves for nothing less welcoming than a glacial reception. In chance spottings (especially when en famille), it's polite to ignore them. They're not public property and may be armed with ten-tonne bodyguards. Give a brief cheery smile if you must; don't gawp. If details really are required for recounting to friends, angle your mobile into the spy camera position but, at all face-saving costs, don't get caught. On introduction, chat needs to be pithy and pacey. Remember that there's no such thing as an original line; they've heard it all before. Feigning total ignorance, ie "Sorry, I missed your name..." , is a risky strategy known as the Long Shot. The wildly unfamiliar concept of anonymity may delight them, but you are in danger of incensing them and blowing it... Never act rashly and greet them like a friend; we may know who they are but they don't know us. Disassociate them from any signature character and don't beg for them to perform their famous catchphrase. Avoid looking the fool and never ever remind them of any previous meetings; they won't remember you.
Avoid overfamiliarity. Steer clear of tracking them across town. The heavies will be on to you and you don't want to be taken for a psycho fan or potential stalker. Don't bring up anything that is remotely media gossip-based, personal or controversial, no matter how topical. They won't share it with you.
Remember, for the famous, there are only three options within their wonderful world: a) noblesse oblige - after all they do owe their fans, b) bitch reputation, c) total reclusion.
One-night stands
The one-night stand (ONS) is a bit like fast food: tempting but with nauseating afterthoughts... Any dark alley gropery on the way home is just not ladylike and is bound to be viewed by an audience or CCTV. Also, don't force taxi drivers to witness any indiscretions. Once home, leave him to marvel at your record collection and superior taste in wine while you do a turbo-tidy. Conceal any embarrassing exhibits if bothered by such trifles, but if it's a true ONS, is shouldn't matter... Then attend to the lighting, play some music and sit together. Slip shoes off, gently shake out hair, nibble seductively on a cocktail cherry and chuckle at his jokes. Then stop talking and smile with your best come-to-bed eyes - intimacy will surely follow.
Once you're in the bedroom, forget all about your cleanse/tone/moisturise bedtime routine, Leave make-up intact and pyjamas in their drawer... If you're at his, the ONS is not over until the walk of shame - going home in last night's dishevelled clothes. Steel yourself for the aftermath and hold our head up high. If you wake up early, it is acceptable under the circumstance to slip out without waking him. If you are possessed of any concern for good manners, then it's imperative to leave a cute note and a good excuse, with or without your telephone number...
If at yours, offer him breakfast and, assuming you want no more of him, say that your mother is on her way round. Bear in mind, however, that concerted maturity and politeness will ultimately lessen your own shame.
The A-Z of modern etiquette
The A-Z of modern etiquette
Published: 27 May 2007
Independent UK
Hoodies, emails, religion, MySpace... If negotiating your way through society's ever - shifting codes of conduct is getting you down, Mark Hooper plays Mr Manners
Turn the clicker function off on your ipod as soon as you get it out of the box A is for Asbo
It may have been conceived as a 21st-century version of the stocks, but the Anti-Social Behaviour Order has opened an ethical can of worms. Can the community at large help in preventing recidivism? And what is the best reaction to becoming "Asbo-ed"? The answers are simple: "No" and "Bothered". A report by the Youth Justice Board has found that almost half those served with Anti-Social Behaviour Orders have breached them. Why? Well, for a start, most people who are handed Asbos are kids. And, as any parent knows, telling a child not to do something is tantamount to a challenge. Particularly if it comes with the promise of a government-sanctioned badge of honour. The best course of action? Ignore them. They're only after attention...
B is for Blackberry
There is nothing more irritating in modern life than the message "sent via Blackberry". Think: why would anyone want to know that? And what sort of person would want other people to know it? Referring to your Blackberry as your "Crackberry" ceased to be funny in 2005. Admitting you're addicted to checking your emails while away from your desk is now considered nothing short of social suicide. Besides, it's far more impressive to be uncontactable outside of office hours.
C is for Cameraphones
While the "happy slap" phenomenon is as clear-cut as moral conundrums get (it's wrong), there is an increasingly large grey area where it comes to the correct usage of the cameraphone. In Japan, the tradition of "tachiyomi" (reading while stood up) has left newsagents and bookstores frustrated at customers photographing magazines rather than buying them. It's a small step, they claim, from digital shoplifting and information theft. Meanwhile, British Transport Police claim that their fastest growing problem is sexual harassment by videophone. Far more worrying, however, is the casual acceptance of the phone as the new cigarette lighter at gigs, with a sea of glowing screens now greeting every concert performer. Ask yourself: is it really worth the grainy footage?
D is for Drugs
A general moral ambivalence now engulfs the subject of drug taking, except for the rare Tabloid Scare Drugs (TSDs) that grip the nation: crystal meth, GHB, GHD... As a rule of thumb, it is perfectly acceptable for an individual to ingest any substance so long as it does not cause harm to those around them. For this reason, the combination of chemicals while in control of vehicles, heavy farm machinery or turntables is strongly frowned upon. So what's the wannabe social outcast to do? Simple: try sparking up indoors.
E is for Email
Emails are social timebombs waiting to happen. Remember: there is no "recall" button. While you can usually deny a verbal conversation, it's hard to do so when it's spelt out on screen. The appropriateness of your email etiquette will vary from office to office. If in doubt, consider whether you'd mind if your humorous clip, casual flirting or third-party bitching was forwarded to your parents or significant other. If you find yourself in the awkward situation of emailing the object of your ire by mistake, use the only defence available to you: "I wish there was a sarcasm font on this machine; I was trying to wind you up. xxx"
As for unwanted attention, it is safest if heterosexual men stick to sending kisses to each other and no one else. Never use internet smileys or "emoticons" unless you are a groomer posing as a seven-year-old.
F is for Free Papers
Free newspapers may be left on train or bus seats for the next harassed commuter to chance upon. However, once removed from their natural habitat, they should be disposed of responsibly: preferably in a recycle bin. They should never be left at the top of tube escalators, as they tend to blow back down the stairs and create a hazard. If in doubt, buy yourself a real newspaper instead and take it home with you.
G is for Green Angst
Some answers to the most common environment-related questions:
Yes, you can recycle plastic. Driving to your local bottle bank more or less cancels out any positive affect on your carbon footprint, but it's the thought that counts.
The tipping point for the global warming debate was that cute computer animation of a polar bear slipping off a glacier.
Yes, insisting that green companies make a healthy profit merely panders to the capitalists who are creating the problem, but let's not go there. No, being a carbon neutral citizen doesn't make a blind bit of difference in the face of the oil industry, but it's all about symbolism. Travel does still broaden the mind - but why not take two weeks off and go by boat? Hang on to those British Gas shares you bought when you were 16. If you sell them they'll just end up in less scrupulous hands than your own.
H is for Hoodies
Nothing defines the generation gap better than the term "hoodie". For the record, a hoodie is an item of clothing (involving a hood), particularly popular with effete fashionistas and "nu-ravers". If you're referring to a youngster up to no good, you may just as well call them hoodlums, ne'er-do-wells or rapscallions. Nothing singles you out as an embarrassingly out-of-touch adult than using a term that can be applied to any youth group, from street rats to emo kids, trackies to grungers. What does that mean? Ask your children. But never judge a youth by his hood, for the sole reason that you'd be hard pushed to find anyone not wearing one.
I is for iPods
iPods don't actually cause deafness any more than Walkmen did 20 years ago. But there are some general rules of etiquette everyone should follow. For starters, turn the clicker function off as soon as you get it out of the box. It's really quite annoying. Secondly, ditch the white headphones. They turn your ears into glowing beacons for Asbo kids in hoodies. Finally, don't fall into the trap of thinking an iPod is your property in any traditional sense. Instead, think of it as a loan from Apple, to be traded in for the newest model as soon as its built-in obsolescence kicks in, several days after the warrantee expires.
J is for Jadism
Unlike Jainism (the ancient Dharmist religion which holds that all living matter possesses a soul), Jadism holds that all living matter is "mingin" and it's open season on all classes or races different from you and your one-armed lesbian mum. Jadism inevitably leads to a state of "samsara" or human bondage and turmoil, which can only be escaped via the "enlightenment" provided by the goddess Davina and the nirvana of a photo opportunity in Delhi.
K is for Knitting Circles
The Alpha Male is in retreat. He is emasculated in the workplace. He is no longer the breadwinner at home. His natural urges are considered Neanderthal. What's he to do? Simple: take up macramé. Man needs to craft things with his hands, so in our super-protected society, it's only natural he learns to knit himself a scarf. Just so we're clear: there's nothing wrong with this: some might say it's his destiny.
L is for Love
Dating clubs have evolved into all kinds of peculiar permutations, from speed to online to singleton tents at festivals. But however desperate the format, never let it be said that love cannot flourish in this cynical age. If anything, we've become more exacting in our romantic lives than ever before. Marriage is now best entered into after a 10-year courtship, by which time you should have established if your partner is financially and psychologically viable. Largely because you'll be on your third mortgage together and your children will be preparing for secondary school.
M is for MySpace
The seven laws of MySpace:
1. Never join MySpace unless you are in a band and deluded enough to think that you might be discovered without a major record label building your page for you.
2. Never befriend anyone on MySpace that you would be embarrassed to send an (omega) email to in "real" life.
3. Except for Tom.
4. "Thanks for the Add" messages are not necessary.
5. Never accept invitations from girls you don't know with names like "Nikkee" or "Alexxxa". They're not who they seem.
6. Never befriend defunct bands, or those featuring dead members, or both - such as Joy Division. Chances are their pages were set up by someone else.
7. Lily Allen is not really your friend.
N is for Neighbours
For those living in major cities in the UK, it is acceptable to greet your neighbours in the following way:
(A) Upstairs/downstairs neighbours in flats - with an audible grunt/nod of the head.
(B) Next door neighbours - with a slight raise of the eyebrow.
(C) Anyone living further afield - best ignore them.
For those living in rural areas/small towns/ regional cities: anyone living within half a square mile of your house may be greeted with a hearty, slightly deranged bellow. Refer to everyone as "mate" just to be safe.
O is for Obesity
It is thankfully no longer considered acceptable to judge people simply because of their race, colour, creed, sexual orientation or gender. It is, however, still perfectly fine to publicly berate people over their waist size, preferably if done so on national TV by a condescending "expert" with a doctorate of dubious origin. This is wrong. Obesity is the only thing our children are still number one in Europe at - alongside having sex, drinking and swearing. The trouble with this country is we always want to do ourselves down.
P is for Patriotism
The rules of patriotism are quite simple: the modern world is dividing into ever increasing factions, each to be fiercely and proudly guarded. The flag of the smallest splinter group you belong to should be displayed wherever possible, with the exception of the St George's flag, which may only ever be brandished when supporting a racially integrated sporting team, such as the England cricket squad (as long as they have the correct quota of South Africans playing for them). If in doubt, fly the flag of St Andrew: even Idi Amin liked that one. As for foreigners: yes, there are far too many economic refugees taking advantage of Europe's lax borders. Most of them are in southern Spain, moaning about how you can never get a decent cuppa.
Q is for Quizzes
However tempting, you should never help anyone other than your own child to complete a Sudoku puzzle. If anyone ever attempts to tell you their Sudoku puzzle is superior as it was created by an obscure Japanese master, point out that the game is an invention of the 18th Century Swiss mathematician Leonhard Euler, perfected by the modern American architect Howard Garns, and the only relevance it has to the Japanese is their equal need to pass the time on rush-hour metro systems.
While we're on the subject of quizzes; should you ever find yourself on Deal Or No Deal, just stick with the box you've got, it doesn't really make much difference what's in the other ones.
R is for Religion
The English don't take well to fundamentalism in any form: which is why they long ago fashioned their own bespoke church rather than be told what to do by anyone else. But, despite the rise of secularism, the British attitude to all faiths is one of healthy tolerance. Unless said religion is deemed intolerant. In which case, it should not be tolerated. Which doesn't, of course, make one intolerant to other faiths. Just the ones you don't agree with. But even in a godless society, religion is seen as a reliable source of moral and philosophical advice. That thing about false idols, for instance, explains the enormous popularity of Simon Cowell.
S is for Sex
With the spectre of Aids finally swooping off to spook someone else, sexual mores are looser than they have been in more than 20 years. Children are increasingly sexualised and Britain's teenage pregnancy rate is the highest in Europe. So if you're still struggling to deal with your classic, British, repressed attitude to the subject, try asking your kids - you'll find they're a lot less embarrassed to talk about it than you.
T is for Travelling
It used to be so much easier. Now, if we're not worried by our carbon (omega) footprint, we're out of pocket thanks to expanded congestion zones and road tolls. But rest assured public transport is the future. Those lucky enough to live in London can benefit from a subsidised free service known as the "bendy bus" (derived from the slang term "bent", meaning morally corrupt.) The Tube's straining infrastructure also allows every worker a half hour extension to their official morning start (known as "flexitime"). As for rural rail networks: they don't exist any more.
U is for Underwear
Underwear, as anyone au fait with the night-time antics of the Hilton/ Spears/Lohan generation will attest, is an unnecessary part of a young gentlewoman's wardrobe in the modern age. Particularly if she is planning to spend the evening hopping between exclusive nightclubs and negotiating her way in and out of the back of taxis while being photographed at compromising angles by the paparazzi. "Going commando" was once considered a guilty secret to be hidden beneath a pair of jeans. But, quite rightly, today's party-goers don't really see the point unless they can let the world's press in on the joke.
V is for Virus
Upon receipt of an email virus: never "reply to all" to point out the fact.
Upon sending an email virus: never follow-up with an apology email, however heartfelt.
Upon owning a Mac: refrain from pointing out to your PC-owning colleagues that you are blissfully unaffected.
Upon receipt of a "new deadly virus discovered" warning: (a) never forward on to your colleagues: they won't thank you for your timely advice. (b) never point out that said email is in fact a hoax: no one likes a smart-arse.
W is for Warfare
It is never a good idea to declare a modern war over, or to forget to plan for the uneasy peace that follows. It is also fairly impractical to try to invade terrorist organisations, given that they, by definition, tend not to all live in one place; or indeed, anywhere that can be differentiated from where you also live.
X is for X-rated
There was a time when pornography was delivered in brown paper bags from under the counter of discreet newsagents. Now it's downloaded on to handheld consoles to be enjoyed on public transport with your mates, or emailed around the office by bored workers on Fridays. Just as the mobile phone has destroyed our concept of personal space, so portable porn has dissolved our idea of privacy. Cybersex addiction is now an acknowledged affliction, with an estimated £20bn spent worldwide on online pornography per year, and one in four British adults downloading sexual images. But that's OK. Claim to be a sex addict and you can sue for unfair dismissal should you ever get caught surfing porn at work.
Y is for YouTube
Uploading has never been easier. Be you an exhibitionist or a bore, there's an online soapbox waiting for you. Even disgraced paedophile celebrities can have their say. It's democracy in action, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Of course, strictly speaking, you're not allowed to post copyrighted material. So any music video or clip from a TV network shouldn't find its way on there. And pretty soon, there will be a Napster-style test case in which ignorance of the law won't prevent regular punters being threatened with heavy fines or jail sentences. But the law of averages suggests it won't be you, so you may as well carry on regardless while you still can.
Z is for Zidanity
The World Cup finals have a habit of throwing up heroes that embody the spirit of the age. There was Pele and the Beautiful Game. There was Gazza and his heart-on-your-sleeve crybaby patriotism. And in 2006 we had Zidane. How did the sport's greatest poet cope with modern cynicism? Simple: he imploded with seething rage. The line between sportsmanship and gamesmanship no longer exists. It's perfectly acceptable to dive, feign and fight your way to success. And if you fnd yourself on the wrong end of it, hit someone.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace