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Sun 20 Jul, 2003 10:15 pm
please help, my husband filed for divorce about 3 months ago, but mostly because i asked him too. now, as proceedings are coming to finalization, i am having major 2nd thoughts. we have a 2 year old daughter, and we (i think) have the love still there to make it work. short history. we were a month from our wedding, when i found out i was pregnant, we got married, but were both 3 semester's away from getting our bachelor's degree. so he continued school, graduated and got a good job offer in another state where we moved to. i postponed my education and quit a very good internship in my field, to become mom/housewife. after the move, i felt so enraged, here i was, on scholarship to an excellent business school, and now completely displaced, i barely had a say in where we moved. after move, i started back part time at a smaller university, not near as prestigious as the one i was attending. so i started acting out as a wife. i never cheated, but i made life bad, and every thing that he did wrong, i exxagerated (sp?). by the way, my husband was not so perfect, he shared about 1% of the parenting duties and was spending extra money on him, and since i had no job, wasn't entitled. on the flip side he did say that we should go to counseling and that we should get back to the foundation of our love...anyway, i moved out 3 months ago, with my daughter, now for the first time, lived on my own. i feel now like a whole person, and was only able to realize the reasoning behind my thoughts.actions as a result of being alone. but now i feel like i have healed as a person, and that with work/consel my husband and i can make it. also, we spent 3 hours alone in his lawyers office the other day, and the entire time we were honestly enjoying each others company and laughing. i think even his lawyer thought we were weird to be having a good time together considering. at this point i have emailed him with only this "100% are you sure ???" he should see the email tomorrow. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ADVISE ME. I AM FEELING LIKE WE REALLY HAVE A CHANCE, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO FROM HERE. AM I JUST CRAZY??? SHOULD I JUST SIGN THE FINAL PAPERS ? THANKS, Carey
Carey!
Welcome to a2k. I'm sorry you are entering a2k for the first time with such a sad request, but at least you're here. We're a friendly, busy forum and have some great members.
Here's my take on your problem... why not tell your husband how you feel? Not just the short, "Are you sure?" message you've already sent, but the whole story as you've written here. It can't offend him, can't hurt you (except maybe your pride just a little) and may clear the air. You could just copy & send it to him... say this is how you're feeling.
If he's interested and I think he might be, then maybe you can get back together. There have been many couples who reached this stage that you're at and had second thoughts. Many others who divorced, spent some lonely time apart and then re-married each other. It's not unheard of to come to the brink of divorce and realize that you'll be losing a lot more than you're gaining. Don't let pride stand in the way of your marriage.
I think it is great that you're feeling like "a whole person" again. Sometimes it just takes some time and a little separation to see that what you had was worthwhile. If you get back together, I'd suggest some counseling so that you're sure to be back on the right foot. If you don't get back together, at least you'll know you tried hard. There's no shame in that at all, to my way of thinking. It sounds like you've sacrificed a lot. Your husband probably recognizes that. If not now, he will have a better idea when he reads your post.
Good Luck, Carey. Hope to see you back here.
Piffka
24 hours won't make a difference one way or another. I assume he will understand what you are asking. He may just respond with a simple "Yes". He may also respond with "No". If that is the case, then is when you both have to make some decisions.
One cheerful moment in a lawyers office does not a marriage make. Then, there's his perception of the situation. We don't have that.
I'd give it some more thougt, carey. Once you get to the point where you now are, it is often a question of whether to do it now, or postpone it till later. I was once pretty much the husband you have now, and married to a woman who was somewhat as you describe yourself. Those reconciliations were great, but never lasted. I wish you better luck, but if you are going to divorce at all, this may be the best time.
Not saying it can't work, but do keep thinking on it?
Carey
As Piffka says, you really need to be talking to him about how you feel. I wish you the very best in whatever you both decide to do.
Welcome to A2K :-)
Carey - welcome to A2K. Have you and your husband already gone for any counselling? If not, I'd suggest that now is a good time to at least talk about giving it a try. It sounds like you're feeling good about yourself, and not as angry as you may have felt in the past.
Attending counselling, with the benefit of outsider's perspective, can be very helpful at this stage. You'll either discover that you both still have something to offer, and both still want to; or that you're going to be friends but not partners; or that the relationship is truly over. I think it's best to learn this sort of thing before you consider moving back in. Especially when there is a very young child involved.
Hi carey, sorry you are going through such a tough time.
I definitely agree about going for counseling as a next step, before divorce -- maybe you will change your minds, maybe not, but at the very least it should help resolve your uncertainty. I wouldn't want to take such a drastic step unless I was SURE it was necessary.
Meanwhile, as the mother of a 2.5 year old who moved a coupla thousand miles when 6 months pregnant, leaving behind a wonderful career to become a stay-at-home mom, I have a lot of sympathy for how difficult your situation is. I do want to say though that it would have been difficult no matter what -- I have a pretty cool husband, and it's still taken a lot for me to keep my sanity. It might be helpful to separate out those two things -- how difficult it is to be a stay-at-home mom (especially if you had recently been on a career track), and your husband's role in your unhappiness.
Good luck!
Fight for it, Carey.
If it ends in divorce, at least you will know you tried everything possible to make it work. "What ifs" are the worst.
Preview
Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2003 11:51 am Post subject:
I agree with the consensus, above, that where there's love, there's hope.
I know many a case where the wife asked the husband to leave, and he did, and he found another woman, and the wife regretted it forever.
The impact on your child will be heavy, which I know as the custodial parent of three young boys, now grown. Single parenting is not a happy road to hoe.
In my experience, the reason people do NOT try to get or remain together, is Pride. Not wanting to be the fist to say, "I'm having second thoughts, I know there are problems, but I know I love you.. .. .. "
Such is a risk, but you have MORE to lose than pride: your happiness and the probability of a better future for your daughter. The worst would be for him to say, 'Sorry, you are too late.'
But it is better to hear that than to have never asked.
I think that the joyfulness in the lawyer's office IS SIGNIFICANT. I used to have dinner with my ex, just to remember how horrible it was to live with her [and eliminate false sentimentality].
Not knowing the situation, your asking A2K shows me, at least, that you really WANT to be told to try again.. ..
Just do it, but take the risk, tell him [in person] that you are unhappy, that you love him despite the problems, and that you do not want to risk ruining the family and risk harming your child.
Good Luck.. ..
You have to resolve you unfulfilled eductional benefits, and, you have to admit your portion of the 'blame.'
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