Tue 15 May, 2007 02:59 pm
Ok, in this thread I'll just describe my current relationship with detail and hopefully I'll get some advice in how to make it better. Also, I will not only write of the relationship but of me as well.
Quick background on me: I'm 22 and this girl (I'll call her C from now on) is only my 2nd gf. The first one lasted 16 months, that relationship started when I was 17, and when we started dating I was very desperate to have a gf. I don't feel like we ever connected. Quickly after we broke up I fell for another girl (L for further reference) with whom I missed many chances to start something, mostly because of insecurity and self-imposed rules. With her I had a talking dynamic I couldn't find with anyone else, so every other girl I liked got boring after a little while and I couldn't get myself even to kiss some of them because I really didn't enjoy them as a person. I sometimes become very sad because of this lack of girls and is a main factor of a recurring depression. I'm a virgin and I'm conscious about it, this also sometimes gets to me.
I was feeling sad most of the time last year, but I hit a low around new year. I met C on jan 6th on a bar. She was with a group of friends, one of which is my friend (M for future reference) and we started talking. We clicked right away and we exchanged emails (IM is common around here). I saw her at a party 3 weeks later and we talked for 3 straight hours when I went there with my friends and she went with hers, we exchanged phone numbers that night. I invited her to the movies the following week and that night we kissed. Around this time I also started going to a psychologist because I was very depressed. I continued to see C once or twice a week and I felt this connection in the way we talked that I hadn't felt since L. Everything went well for a month. I was happy, I also began taking care of my body thanks to my psychologist. At first I didn't want a gf because I felt as if I could get everything I wanted from a relationship without formalizing it, but this slowly began to change.
I asked her out to a friend's party around march 1st, after this party I felt insecure as in what she was thinking (is she gonna call this off? am I exaggerating things?). I began to feel like **** after that because of doubts. The next day I talked to M and he told me that C wanted me for real and that she was happy with me, I decided to formalize things the next time I would see her. When talking to her to agree on when we would see each other I felt that she was more distant (but was I exaggerating?) but we agreed on a date. I asked her if she wanted to be my gf (or however the term is in English) and she responded with a nice "of course" which helped me shake some doubts.
The next week I attended her graduation party (I'm still in school, she's 6 months older but a year ahead in school) and fit well with her friends and kept family contact to almost nonexistent. We saw each other 2-4 times a week, she quickly met my family on a birthday reunion a month into the relationship and I was consistently happy as I hadn't been a long, long time. The night before my birthday I had a panic attack at her house, I had to lie down and I explained to her that was because I was stressed out and anxious about the family meeting and the I'm a virgin issue, I had thought that week was when we would've had sex because her parents went on vacations but she didn't want to do it before she went to the gynecologist. But we talked and she calmed me. We only had a small bump along the way caused because of my direct honesty: she told me she would buy me a perfume (I didn't use perfume) and I told her it would more a gift for her than a gift for me, when she gave it to me she asked me if I felt excited and to put my excitement in a 1/100 scale, I said 15 and I told her it was more than I was expecting (that's the only time she's asked me to quantify feelings), she then proceeded to avoid any love affection, she would turn when I went in for a hug. We went to a movie and I asked her about that later and we sorted it out.
She got a new job a month ago on a wednesday and had to leave for Tucson that saturday for 2 weeks because of the job. I missed her and I decided to open up my feelings to her, I hadn't done so because ever since L I had grown a shell to shut feelings and I only really felt the intense negative feelings leaving the positive feelings outside most of the time. I decided to tell her that I was ready to "dive in", "feel", "live" with her, or however you might put it, when she came back and I did. She said she was happy I decided to do so.
Last wednesday my eyes turned red because some veins popped and I freaked out like I always do (part of my new year depression was because of a medical condition, caused by stress). I went to a doctor and she told me it was nothing of care and I calmed myself, or so I though and the happiness I had found just disappeared but I had not realized it. Last weekend we went to a party at her ex's house. He's in her group of friends. We have talked about it, we have no problems with that. I got another panic attack right there, I wanted to go to my house and sleep but I didn't want to leave her and have her explain that I wasn't feeling right. She dropped me off and I told her I didn't like what was happening becuase I felt like it was something I could control. I wrote her an email the next day explaining how I'm a weak person and one event can unbalance all of my life. I called her just now and didn't answer, will call her again later.
Any thoughts or questions are welcome.
Pantalones, my young Mexican friend. You are NOT weak, you are insecure. It happens to all of us at one time or another. Panic attacks are something that I am familiar with, so I know the feeling.
First, start liking yourself, then you will be able to relate better with your current girl friend. My suggestion is that you don't call her for a while until you come to terms with your own emotions.
I - as a girl/woman - was where you are at your age, well, maybe a bit later. I thought I might just melt from love, stress, anxiety, intensity, grief from love not working out. Wait, when it does, or seems to, there's more...
I agree with Letty on coming to terms with liking and believing in yourself. Take deep breaths. Life is long, you have a rich mind and are a guy who has interests beyond himself... really, you're in line for getting a good grip on perspective. Almost no one has it, really, at your age, even if it seems so.
Another side of the coin - not to stop you from loving - but that people often mature in leaps and bounds, or don't in the early twenties. It can be a pit of despond later to have thrown lifetime promises to an image one builds up.
Finally, all these years later, I'm relieved that romance that nearly kiiled me from grief didn't work out, though he's still a fine person, and the woman after me and he have been married something like 40 years.
Now I realize... he would have been the dominant mind early on, and his avocations something for me to go along with even if they weren't my natural interest.
Complicated. But the 'for life thing' at 22 is - to blink.
Love people, don't treat them badly, be honest (and use protection).
It was a panic attack and they stink, but they don't last forever.
C is happy with you, and I bet she still is even though you had the attack. No worse than if you'd had a coughing fit or were sick with the flu or had broken your arm. Things happen, plans change, life's not perfect 24/7.
You're not a weak person. No way. We know you aren't.
Yes to Jespah, we do know you're not weak.
And the mention of take a deep breath wasn't just a throwaway line... that is what you do if you find yourself on a high bridge in panic, a narrow road with cliff, etc...... breath deep. And breath deep again.
She called me back and we went out today. It was one of our shortest dates 'til now. Just when I was dropping her off I asked for 10 minutes to explain how I was feeling and I feel I only got her to think things aren't going too well when I think they are. Then I told her how she has helped me reach this happiness I've felt most of '07, heck, I even cried a little when telling her that.
Right now, I guess it all comes down to my insecurity.
Just so I'm clear on this, I haven't nor I intend to throw lifetime promises in the near future. I might be changing this step by step but I still think way more with my head than with my heart. Most exceptions come when negative feelings are involved.
Letty, I wouldn't want to stop calling her because I feel like there are some things I must live and some other things I must learn of myself through her.
I know I can wait years before I come to terms with my emotions.
osso, you've explained the deep breath line. But I'm not sure what you meant with 'to blink'.
Pantalones, I meant that from my point of view now, I blink at, or regard with caution, people making lifetime type decisions at 22. But then you cleared that up for me in your last post.
Our relationship has returned to a stable point. I exaggerated and now I have learned that that will do me no good. Thanks for your input, I'll get back to the thread once something interesting happens.
Ok, another thing has happened. I realize this is nowhere near the level of seriousness other threads have but hey this one's mine.
The plan yesterday was she would go out with her friends, I would go out with mine and I would pick her up and bring her with my friends. I get a cellphone message from her saying that in 30 minutes her friends and she would leave the other place to come to where we were and that she would call me to confirm we would still be there.
Well, I trusted that she would call and we moved to another place. I messaged her back once we arrived to the other place, then she sent another message in an angry tone saying she was already at the first place we were. I got pissed that she got pissed since I felt I wasn't to blame. I replied saying that we didn't know where we would end up and that she had said she was going to call to see if we hadn't moved. She doesn't answer so I send another message after 10 minutes asking if they were going to stay over there, she doesn't reply so I call her half an hour later and 15 minutes after that and she doesn't answer either time.
Yesterday I felt bad but as if it's not my fault. Today I see I share part of the blame. I haven't talked to her since, I'm thinking of giving her a call tonight and telling her it's best if we try to understand each other and why we reacted the way we did and to try to forget what happened. What are your thoughts on this?
I called her and we talked. She told me she didn't return my calls because she didn't want to talk to me that night and that it was better that day since she had a few beers and she was mad. Seems to me like it sorted itself out. We'll see how the next week holds up.