My mother is 51 years old. She keeps claiming that she's having breathing trouble, but when I visit her, she's fine. She is very out of shape because she doesn't work or do ANYTHING - she sits around the house all day playing on the computer. She blows up every little ailment she has and tries to tie them together to make it look like she's in really bad shape and can't work, and to make people feel sorry for her. She's trying to get disability checks, and she's counting on the day when the disability people will come to her with a check and say, "Here's your disability check with compensation for all the time you've lost since you filed." While she waits, she sits around. That's it. She doesn't try to work even the most basic of jobs.
She's married to a man who, in the 15 years they've been married, has probably only worked 5 years or so in TOTAL. He spends most of his time out with his friends or out fishing. He had a chance to get a job, but that would have required him to walk 7 miles back and forth each way (they don't have a car), and he wasn't willing to do that.
In December, I paid $75 on my mother's phone bill and even talked the people at the phone company down $150 (she had a big bill), but that didn't help - she didn't pay the bill. This month, I bought her a prepaid phone and minutes totaling $100. Today, I get a call from my grandmother asking, "Could you and your brothers and sisters scrape some money up to try and help your Mom? She's out of cooking gas and I know that you just bought her a phone, but she also needs cooking gas... she's having a really hard time."
Because I've married a man who has a good job, and I also work full-time, everyone seems to think that I have money and/or that I'm a bank. My youngest brother, who has been in and out of jail for a very long time, only calls when he wants money. And, my mother clearly expects that I'm going to provide for her.
I go to school FULL-TIME at a good college (paid for by ME so that I can make a good living when I get out), and I also work FULL-TIME to support myself. My husband is still working to pay down his student loans (he also went to this college), and we both have bills (we don't even have cable - we're trying to pay down our debt because we're looking to buy a house). We can't possibly put down a good down payment if I have to keep shelling out money to support my mother.
I work HARD every day - I never have any time off (I feel guilty when I take any time out for myself as there's always a homework assignment to be done). I work VERY hard and I resent the fact that she sits back on her butt all day long, every day, and her husband does the SAME THING and *I*. who am working so hard to push ahead, have to support her.
My husband didn't want me to buy for her what I have, and I didn't either, but I felt that I needed to. Now that that hurdle is behind us, she needs cooking gas. It's just going to escalate from here, I know it. I'm just looking for some kind of advice - do you know of a good way to say "no" (I've tried not to give in to her demands, unless very necessary - I don't want to enable her), or is there some kind of insurance to buy for this kind of thing (they have insurance for everything else), or ... ?
That's rough, AprilShowers, I definitely sympathize.
I wonder if it would be beneficial to put some energy into getting a resolution from social security? They often need some nudging, but it sounds like it's been a while and it sounds like you have a good case for getting some sort of a decision from them ASAP. If the decision is in her favor, great. If not, she no longer has any excuses.
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Linkat
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Thu 26 Apr, 2007 10:57 am
I agree - I would focus my attention on getting her any money she is entitled to. As you said, she is going to keep asking for money from you.
Maybe you could say, I'm sorry, I would love to help, but we used our extra savings paying for your phone card. We don't have anything extra, but I would could help you deal with social security to get your disability issue resolved.
That way you are still offering your help so not really saying no.
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AprilShowers
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Thu 26 Apr, 2007 11:01 am
Thank you, I hadn't considered that. I think I'll try calling them to see if I can speed this process up.
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Heeven
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Thu 26 Apr, 2007 11:06 am
I love my family very much and would do anything for them. Over time, I have come to realize that my parents/siblings would have to be at deaths door (literally) before any of us would ask for monetary help of each other and we would never go to anyone outside of our family circle, ever. Seems strange but that is the way we were raised I guess. I never really thought anything of it and I don't remember being taught this specifically but I have too much pride and image of self-responsibility to be able to put my hand out, even to my parents (who are overgenerous) if I got into some difficulty.
I tell you that, so you know that I just cannot relate. I don't understand how your mother 'expects' handouts from you, when she is not totally disabled. I would understand if she and her husband were on bad times and could not get work or were physically/mentally completely incapable of being able to get work, but I am getting from your post this is not the case.
I've a few questions:
1. Has your mother/her husband been like this always?
2. What did they do before you left home and got your independence? How did they manage to pay bills back then?
3. Do they have cell phones or just the home phone?
4. What luxuries do they enjoy, outside of the absolute necessities?
I am of the opinion that someone who expects others to pay their bills, etc., need to stop using luxury items such as cars, computers, cell-phones, TVs, and other non-essential items and concentrate their finances on paying for heat, air-conditioning, gas, electricity, and food. If you mother is not prepared to live within her (and I mean HER not YOUR) means then you should think seriously about what with or if you will continue to assist her.
BTW she could work - from home - if she has a computer and internet connection. There are lots of billing jobs and so on she can get that she could do if she made the smallest effort. If she can type, then she can work.
I'm not a huge fan of people who don't make every effort to help themselves and expect others/anyone to take care of them.
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sozobe
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Thu 26 Apr, 2007 11:19 am
Here's an SSDI link if you're not sure how to start or who to contact:
This is a reply for Heeven. I absolutely agree and I'm the same way - I won't ask for help unless I really, truly can't get by without it. I am very self-sufficient and independent and I don't like to burden others with my needs.
You asked some questions and I'll answer them:
1. Has your mother/her husband been like this always?
She's always been "down & out" - she's frequently gotten welfare, food stamps, HUD, etc. except she had a while before (for about 3 years) where she was a Certified Nurses Assistant and she was happy with that, but she stopped doing that because it was hard on her back, and before that, she worked as a Housekeeper at a hotel (for about 5+ years) and I think she's tired of working hard because it's taxing on her and now, she just takes the naive notion that "things will work out... some how, some way." So, she doesn't PLAN for anything. Her view of "things working out" is likely that I'll end up paying for whatever she can't pay for, and I just can't do that.
2. What did they do before you left home and got your independence? How did they manage to pay bills back then?
My mother was getting welfare before I left home and her boyfriend at the time (her husband) and she were just dating. I think that welfare paid the bills because she had 4 kids at home. We got Medicaid and Hud and the whole 9.
3. Do they have cell phones or just the home phone?
They only had one land line. I bought my mother the computer (and wish I hadn't now) for Christmas. It's a little, cheap, slow thing, but I figured that we could email back and forth while I was in school and that'd make it easier on the phone bills, and she could play games when she got out of work (when she was working). Now, she's just addicted.
4. What luxuries do they enjoy, outside of the absolute necessities?
They honestly don't have many luxuries. They're both living in a trailer in a small trailer park, with no car (they rely on her mother-in-law to drive them back & forth to get groceries), and now she's got no phone, except the one I bought and have yet to give her, and somehow the phone company is keeping the Internet and local service on the phone turned on. They really do have nothing, but they don't WORK for anything either.
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AprilShowers
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Thu 26 Apr, 2007 11:36 am
Thank you for the SSA link!
Thank you for looking up that link. I'm going to call them right now.
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Heeven
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Thu 26 Apr, 2007 11:59 am
Well AprilShowers, that makes it harder to refuse her. If they have very little already and really don't waste money on too many luxury items, it makes it difficult to use that as an excuse to cut-back on their bills.
I think the suggestion of Soz and Linkat is the way to go but you do have to limit what she guilts you about. You have your own bills and a husband who is your partner and has a say in how your finances are used. You can't put your life into dire straits while trying to do all you can for your mother. There is a limit. Can you talk this through with your husband and try to set some rules? You can set aside X amount of money this year for emergency use only for your mother. Don't tell her about your rules or your discussion with your husband but have him be strong and stand by you as you make this decision together. When your mother comes looking for help, give her less than she asks for. Make her take some responsibility for the payment of each bill that she has trouble with. She has to realize that you are not her bank here and she cannot pass all the responsibilities to you on a continuous basis. She got by before, when you were younger, because she had to. She knows how to do it and she will find a way. You are not pulling all of your help and assistance away but you must make her step up and eventually you will pull back more and more and she will have to take over the responsibility completely and not feel comfortable going to you continuously for help.
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Mame
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Thu 26 Apr, 2007 01:17 pm
Hi Aprilshowers... that's a tough situation you outlined.
I'm of the opinion that you are not responsible for your mother. A) She's a grown up, B) She isn't looking for work, and C) She has a husband.
I think if you see this situation through different eyes, you'll have an easier time saying no.
What if you weren't related? What if you weren't around to help? What would she do then?
What if this was happening to a friend of yours? What advice would you give her?
On a side issue, here's one for you...
A sister and I just loaned my mother some money to buy a home. She has since told one of my sisters that we wouldn't be in her will since we will be benefitting from the sale of the house (and presumed profit). Weird way to look at it, isn't it? We get penalized for helping - lol.
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Phoenix32890
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Thu 26 Apr, 2007 02:50 pm
AprilShowers - I don't want to sound harsh, but your mother is a leech. She will take from you as much as she can milk out of you.
There are two people living together. Even working part time, the two of them should be able to scrape up enough money each month to keep body and soul together.
IMO, your mother and stepfather are two bottomless pits. Keep giving them, and you will never extricate yourself from their situation.It is not as if they were going through a rough time, and needed some temporary help. The more that you give, the more that they will demand.
Quote:
she just takes the naive notion that "things will work out... some how, some way."
She is not being naive.....she is being crafty. If the goverment does not bail her out, she can always come to her daughter........but only if you let her.
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fishin
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Thu 26 Apr, 2007 03:00 pm
Heeven wrote:
I love my family very much and would do anything for them. Over time, I have come to realize that my parents/siblings would have to be at deaths door (literally) before any of us would ask for monetary help of each other and we would never go to anyone outside of our family circle, ever. Seems strange but that is the way we were raised I guess. I never really thought anything of it and I don't remember being taught this specifically but I have too much pride and image of self-responsibility to be able to put my hand out, even to my parents (who are overgenerous) if I got into some difficulty.
Interesting! My family has the same sort of thing. The youngest of the 8 of us "kids" is now 42 and I don't think any of us has ever borrowed money from another or from my parents.
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eoe
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Thu 26 Apr, 2007 03:58 pm
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sakhi
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Mon 30 Apr, 2007 02:45 am
AprilShowers, I know how that feels.
If your conscience bothers you, I think you should go with eoe's idea. Pay her a monthly allowance. It may be very small but tell her thats all you can do. Keep sending her links/pointers to jobs that she can do to help herself.
If this helps....I have bought a flat for my mother (but the flat is in my name, thankfully). And I pay her a good allowance. Yet, she's always calling asking for more money. I say no (tough, I know), and I give her only her monthly allowance and tell her that she has to make do with it
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flushd
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Mon 30 Apr, 2007 06:53 pm
Another suggestion, along the 'conscience won't allow me to simply say No line', is to strike a deal.
She sees you as a bank - is my impression - so take the role of a banker about it. (She would be rejected at all but the scummiest places, but you get the idea).
Or other sort of business. Purely business, not personal, two grown ups agreeing on an exchange.
I think this is the way to go. If you mom really does want to help herself, she will be willing to pay for what she is asking for.
Methods of payment are up to you. You can give a small loan: with the agreement that it will be paid back at X amount of time.
If it is not: that's it. End of the road.
You can also get payment with work that she does for you. Or whatever.
The point is to hold her up and accountable. Then, if she makes pissy choices, you still know you did all that you could. You tried.
It might be an option to consider while she is waiting to hear back from Social Security (free money, she stays in the cycle of free loading).
...As a side note, if a family member kept at me after that, I would take it a bit further. Not saying it is the best suggestion, but I would be flooding their email with job links over and over. Phoning them every day and really getting on their backs.
My thinking is "you waste my time because you are lazy, you will pay it back in some way. Even if it is having to be irritated with constant inquiries, emails, and calls. I'll make you think hard about asking, make it a real pain in the ass. "
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dupre
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Sun 13 May, 2007 04:41 pm
Boy, some good advice here. I'm totally with flushd.
That's exactly what I would do.
Sometimes my mom, who has lots of money, asks me to drive across the state and come "help" her, but she will never say what "help" is.
I know she has someone come in for the house and the yard.
Anyway, I tell her that I'm working three jobs to pay down some bills and can't get away, but as soon as I get my bills paid down, I'll be happy to get a fourth job and send her some money to hire an expert to "help" her with whatever it is she needs.
I know it sounds harsh, but there's a history here ... and it's not my thread.
Gee, I really feel for you AprilShowers.
Say yes, and you'll be saying yes the rest of her life. Say no, and--if you say it right--you only have to say it once.
Good luck!!!
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hustlers
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Wed 23 May, 2007 04:22 am
i really can't understand how you've put up with her for so long. doesn't your husband object to that? she has no right to make you feel guilty like that. if she was working and got little, that's another story. but she isn't making ANY efforts, her husband neither... i advise you strongly not to give in everything she asks... or you may help her like telling her you'll give her a maximum allowance of 20dollars per month and not more.. she has to be able to cope.. why would a husband want to play around and not support?? because they expect YOU to provide for them... you could be sacrificing your home with your husband if you continue giving her everything you have.
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OCCOM BILL
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Wed 23 May, 2007 05:18 am
If she sits around on the internet all day; take the computer as collateral until the debt is paid. If she comes back for more dough first; take the TV. You may not be able to say no to family, but that doesn't mean you can't make it damn intolerable to accept your help.
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shewolfnm
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Wed 23 May, 2007 06:19 am
Is she close enough that you could "hire her'?
Pay her to clean your house. You are so busy, it doesnt sound like you have alot of time yourself!
Give her your laundry and hire her to do it.
Baby sit.. if you have kids? I dont remember mention of that.. but
if you do have kids, hire her to baby sit, ( or pet sit )
Hire her to do research for you online for class.
Of course, you would hire her like any other employee-
You dont do the work, you dont get paid
You dont show up you dont get paid
You could even say that you dont get paid by the hour ( because it sounds like she would just sit still and run up the tab) you get paid by the job.
You need help too. You sound strapped and tired. Make her help you for helping her.
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squinney
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Wed 23 May, 2007 06:53 am
I agree with most of the posts and advice you are already getting but want to offer another perspective.
Maybe your step-dad is fishing because that's what they eat? Is that the case?
And, when someone is that far down, it's often hard to pull it together and feel like anything they do is going to be worth it. They don't have a car. I think walking 7 miles each way would be pretty hard on an older person. He gets a job he has to walk that far to, and with no skills it would be a low paying job from which they hold taxes and he ends up walking 14 miles a day to earn $4 an hour?
I know that's at least something, but like I said, when you're down that far, as far as they are, I think it's reasonable that they would be depressed and discouraged.
Your mom would need trasportation. I can't imagine she would walk 7 miles to a job and I doubt anyone in her neighborhood would be able to pay her to help with anything. Maybe if the disability doesn't work out she'll be motivated, but I think even that would take time since she has convinced herself she is disabled. She probably needs some assistance with mental health to help her realize she can be a productive person in charge of her own life since she hasn't been for so long. Given her history of reliance on social services while you were growing up, she may never be self reliant. But, I think she needs to understand that's her choice, not her fate and that you have not chosen that for yourself.