confused

Hi all, I am new here and I ahve come because I am having an issue with my marriage. I am confused and at the point where I don't know what to do. I may be jumping around a bit so please don't mind I just hope it all makes scence once I am done.

Ok, back in high school I dated this certian guy. We were in love. I dated him since I was 15 all the way up tp when I was 17. Those 2 years were wonderful dispite my physically abusing him. But he loved me and stuck with me through it all. One day I decided to leave him because I wanted one of my brothers friends. That didn't last long (maybe a month) and I broke up with him becuse I was still in love with my high school boyfriend. But once I tried to get my high school boyfriend back he was seeing someone else. I was devisted but it was y own fault so I had to deal with it. I dated a few people between 17 and 19 until I met my husband. Since my high school boyfriend and my break up we have remained friends. Well a little after my 19th birthday I met my husband. I later found out I was the only girl he had ever dated and he was already 23. I took his virginity and we have 2 beautiful little boys togther. We just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversery in Novemeber 2006. We got married when I was 3 months pregnant with our first child. We did not get marriend because I was pregnant we just got married because we wanted to. About 6 months before we got married he left me because of me being physicaly abusive to him. When I was 5 months pregnant he left me. I was being abusive once again to him so I understand why. Later right before I had our child he came back to me. He was there through the birth of our child and he stayed until once again we started fighting and me becoming abusive again. Our son was a little over 1 years old. I tried every time we broke up to move on. Except the time that I was pregnant. And every time my husband found out he wanted me back right away. We have been together with no break ups since 2003 and we had another child together. The pregnancy was rough It was twins and we lost baby b when I was 7 months pregnant. So we shared our feelings with each other and we kind of supported one another through it. I say kind of because as we know men and women grieve differently and my husband has a hard time understanding that. He thinks I must grieve like he does. There have been so many physically abusive fights we have had that I cannot even remember how many. One time the fight was so bad I overdosed and was in ICU for 2 days. Then I went to the phyciatric department and the whole time my husband didn't come to see me except once. I was just so done with the fighting that I couldn't take it anymore. I have become physically abusive to him only 1 time in the past year. We moved to a trailer home that we are buying from my father in spring 2006. My husband and I have came along way in the past few years. Back when I was pregnant with our first child my high school boyfriend was trying to help out with getting my husband and I back togther. He loved me that much he would rather see me happy then not have me around at all. Well ever since my husband and I have moved to this trailer home it seems all we do is argue. I tell him to get out but he won't the land contract my dad wrote is bound to the two of us togther. I told him last night that if he thinks it is done between us just say the words. I am leaving it up to him. I know it will happen again sometime I just don't know when. Well just within this past week my high school boyfriends mother has passed away. She was like a mother o me so I am trying to help comfort my high school boyfriend through this all. Well the night she passed away I invited him over to our place because him and my husband do get along. He got drunk and I had to give him a ride home. While on the way we got talking about our relationship through high school. Yes I was physically abusive to him but I cannot see that in the future. I have come along way since then. But on the day he was drunk he confessed everything to me. He told me he stll loved me and he wanted an answer as to why we broke up. I could not give him an answer. I wanted to tell him he did something wrong but he didn't. He did nothing wrong to me. He was sweet through it all. I cheated on him he didn't like it but we stayed together. I have heard rumors he cheated on me but he won't confess it. I even heard it from the girl herself but in note of that he is an identical twin so it could have been his brother. If you don't know these two you couldn't tell them apart. BUt I d so it is very easy for me to tell them apart. So this girl could have been sleeping with his twin thinking it was him. My husbands family and me do not get along. His brother and mother pretty much. His brother read my diary one time. I was not happy and ever since then I cannot stand him. All of my high school boyfriends family I do get along with. My problem now is I am still very much in love with my high school boyfriend. I love my husband too and I don't want to hurt him. Like I said earlier I am the only girl that has given him a chance. I don't want to break his heart. My husband and I don't hve much in common but yet y high school boyfirend and I do. We do very much. I do want to note that my high school boyfriend is married but he was in jail for 19 month over stabing his twin brother and he has some long time to think and he is devorcing her. He hurts. H etold me that he tried to drink himself to death several times because of her. Maybe he is just vonerable right now because of his mother passing and his wife and him getting a divorce. The strange thing is is after 8 years I feel so comfortable around him. He lights up when I am around and I light up when I am around him. I want to spend more time with him but my husband gets jelous. I love the both of them and I don't want to hurt either of them. I know my husband loves me and I know my high school boyfriend loves me but what do I do? To me someone that can still be just your friend when they love you so much means allot to me.