The secrets out...

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Ok I have a serious problem. Months ago at my house I threw a little get together with a few friends. One of the people that came was a friend of a friend of ours and is extraordinarily loathed by my husband. The only reason he was allowed over was because at the time, the friend of ours who was friends with this enemy of my husband was trying to have everyone get along because many of us are mutual friends. A tid bit of background on this enemy of my husband: he and I have a very unusual past. He has always wanted me and tried desparatly to get with me while my husband (then my boyfriend) was away for school. He tried everything he could but I was faithful to my boyfriend and he had a girlfriend. When my boyfriend/husband came back I told him all about what this "friend" of ours had been doing and he confronted him and they got into a huge fight and we didn't speak to each other for 3 years.

So 3 years later, my good friends were trying to get us all back together by saying that it's in the past and we are married now and the past shouldn't matter. We agreed only because we cared for our friend. Well... this had been going on for a few weeks and though my husband hated this guy, he tolerated being around him. Well...the night that I threw this party, I got really drunk and so did this enemy of my husbands. My husband went to bed early and the rest of the guests fell asleep on the floor, including the enemies girlfriend. Myself and him were the only two still awake...and well to make a long story short, he tried to touch me inappropriatly.

I felt so guilty about it that I eventually told my husband months later. I told him when I was really drunk agian (I know it sounds like I get drunk all the time but it's just a coincidence) and he was pretty drunk too. I had hoped that he had forgotten about it the next day cause he never mentioned it for months. It wasn't until much much later did I find out that he never forgot. Not only did he not forget but he told his friend (who I don't speak to anymore), who told his friend, who told the enemies girlfriend, who told the enemy. Then the information leaked out to my best friend who told his best friend, and eventually the people who live out of town now knew.

Now here is the problem I am having. Everyone that could possibly know about what happend now know but all of them not only found out behind my back and have only been confronting my husband about this, not me. I haven't even heard a word about anything that anyone has been saying. In fact, I was one of the last people to find out that anyone even knew. I found out as it got back to the enemy. This makes me furious because not only is it my private life that I didn't want to be desplayed like some damn soap opera, but these people who I call my freinds are talking about this right behind my back.

There is one more thing that is in the mix here. One of the first people that my husband told about this, who then told everyone else, has himself touched me inappropriatly while drunk (he actually did worse things to me than the enemy did). I also told my husband about this but he forgot that part and has only remembered the part about his enemy. If I tell him about this friend (the same one I don't speak to anymore) things will most likely get ten times worse.

Should I be mad at my friends for talking about me behind my back? Should I confront them about it? I just don't know what to do about it. I don't even know if the gossip they are spilling is even correct information. I just don't understand why anyone is not telling me about this, or how come nobody is confronting me about it. Why is everyone talking to my husband and not me?

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Just drop it. Sounds like everyone needs to grow up.

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1. Stop drinking. Even if heavy drinking has only put you in bad situations twice in the last six months that is twice too many.

2. Don't tell your husband about your indiscretions ever again.

3. Accept that you now have a reputation among your friends and start to live it down.

4. You may or may not agree that this mess is in good part of your making, but you are the one who is going to have be Ms. Pure & Upright so that your reputation doesn't get any worse.

5. Accept that life isn't "fair".

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I agree with cjhsa...this sounds like a whole lot of nothing begetting nothing.

Quote:

2. Don't tell your husband about your indiscretions ever again.

Her indiscretions? The way she phrased it, it was 2 guys trying to touch her that she denied.

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Re: The secrets out...

kitkat_bar wrote:

Should I be mad at my friends for talking about me behind my back? Should I confront them about it? I just don't know what to do about it. I don't even know if the gossip they are spilling is even correct information. I just don't understand why anyone is not telling me about this, or how come nobody is confronting me about it. Why is everyone talking to my husband and not me?

If you had kept your mouth shut, everything would have been fine,
but you're actually the one who created this mess, and now you are
complaining that people talk behind your back.

Judging from all your previous problems, you're just running around
circles, the pattern is always the same, and sadly, you never get it!

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Re: The secrets out...

CalamityJane wrote:

kitkat_bar wrote:
Should I be mad at my friends for talking about me behind my back? Should I confront them about it? I just don't know what to do about it. I don't even know if the gossip they are spilling is even correct information. I just don't understand why anyone is not telling me about this, or how come nobody is confronting me about it. Why is everyone talking to my husband and not me?

If you had kept your mouth shut, everything would have been fine,
but you're actually the one who created this mess, and now you are
complaining that people talk behind your back.

Judging from all your previous problems, you're just running around
circles, the pattern is always the same, and sadly, you never get it!

Ok so I was wrong in telling him in the first place? It's all very confusing because I was told that being honest was the right thing to do so I thought I was doing the right thing. I most definatly wont be making this mistake again.

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"Honesty" is often used as a disguise for many other, far less noble things.

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oh, um yeah, um id like to confess i touched kitkat_bar too um yeah

sorry

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*edited to say: not to make light of your issue kit-kat-
but flakker-that was funny Laughing

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what is it with me and train wrecks?

I ALWAYS watch them, I ALWAYS look when I know it is coming, and I keep staring even though I know the outcome is ALWAYS the same

train wrecks are oddly addicting..

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kitkat,

I suspect your reputation has long been in the air with these people.

When a person consistently makes poor choices, people learn to question their word.

Start making some better choices. Questionable choices:
-getting drunk and staying awake with 'the enemy' (that cracks me up, the Enemy). Smile

You have a loooong history with that guy. More than enough info to know that was a bad idea.

-telling your hubby loooong after the event was over. While drunk.

You could have rectified it right away as it was happening, or not at all.

There's more, but there's a few. There Kitkat: I'll tell you some of what your friends probably want to tell you but are keeping their mouths shut for whatever reason (I can think of a few).

If your defensiveness here is any indication of how you respond to friends when they come to you with stuff that is questionable about you - it's not hard to put the pieces together of why they would avoid coming to you directly.

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flushd wrote:

kitkat,

I suspect your reputation has long been in the air with these people.

When a person consistently makes poor choices, people learn to question their word.

Start making some better choices. Questionable choices:
-getting drunk and staying awake with 'the enemy' (that cracks me up, the Enemy).

You have a loooong history with that guy. More than enough info to know that was a bad idea.

-telling your hubby loooong after the event was over. While drunk.

You could have rectified it right away as it was happening, or not at all.

There's more, but there's a few. There Kitkat: I'll tell you some of what your friends probably want to tell you but are keeping their mouths shut for whatever reason (I can think of a few).

If your defensiveness here is any indication of how you respond to friends when they come to you with stuff that is questionable about you - it's not hard to put the pieces together of why they would avoid coming to you directly.

I see what you are saying. The only thing I don't understand is why my friends would find the things I say questionable. I have never lied to them before nor am I known for having anything like this done to me before. I am not known to be a liar. The only things I have ever kept from anyone were those two innodences of being touched inappropriatly because I was ashamed of them (and no I did not ask nor wish those things to happen to me). I know it sounds like I get drunk all the time but I don't. The first time I was really drunk and that horrible thing happend to me was like 4 or 5 years ago. The next was sometime last year and the last just so happend to be like months later from that. I don't drink all the time so when I do I don't know how much I have had until it was too late.

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Kitkat, if it makes you feel any better I'm not aware of any reputation you may have and don't have any suspicions about you.

My advice to you is to be open and honest with your husband at the relevant time when you become sober. You say that you told your husband months later while drunk, and you were ashamed...you shouldn't have been feeling shame, you should have been feeling anger and hurt, and you should have told your husband right after you got sober when it happened.

Good luck to you

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As I've probably expressed before, kitkat, I wish you'd just reread your posts here over time, and then get a grip.

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Stuh, do you routinely just answer questions out of the blue? Some of the people who post in relationships and marriage have long term problems, explained at length before. It might be amusing to field a problem off the cuff, but then again maybe not. This poster is one with quite a posting history.

Not to argue with your answer, just saying, I think you are not acquainted.

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kitkat_bar - if opinions mean that much to you, then yes, I would confront your friends. But, you'll have to be able to take what they say with an open mind - don't be defensive.
Otherwise, I would wipe the slate clean. Be the bigger person. And change your ways. Most importantly, don't wait to state your opinion/disgust/argument. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is conducive to speaking up immediately - whether you're right or wrong. At least you will have spoken and not spent endless hours wondering what you should have done or said....or wondered what other people have said.

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Rae wrote:

kitkat_bar - if opinions mean that much to you, then yes, I would confront your friends. But, you'll have to be able to take what they say with an open mind - don't be defensive.
Otherwise, I would wipe the slate clean. Be the bigger person. And change your ways. Most importantly, don't wait to state your opinion/disgust/argument. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is conducive to speaking up immediately - whether you're right or wrong. At least you will have spoken and not spent endless hours wondering what you should have done or said....or wondered what other people have said.

Thank you, that actually helps alot. I guess I do tend to worry to much what others think of me. I just feel that if they are talking about me and not to me I some how feel like they aren't being very good friends. One tells me one thing while the other denies it. The only thing that stays the same is the story, what changes is what he said/she said.

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Uh...no, I don't answer out of the blue; I answer based on the entire thread content. But if the poster is going to spread their life out over numerous threads, I don't consider it my responsibility to acquaint myself with all of their previous posts if I don't recall them...if they wanted me to make comments based on all that, I would expect them to continue from the same thread.

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This person has many threads.

You may pick up a certain weariness from some of us who've read them all.

I'm sure I'm too acerbic for this, good luck.

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um I have a confession to make too....

shewolf touched kittkatt inappropriately.

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The secrets out...

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