Dual Master Bedrooms?

I agree with Chai's post at the top of the page - #2569260.

I agree with nimh about the general dystopia of a society growing as a mass more individually isolated - but don't think of this as a particular symptom of that.

Being able to get some hours of peaceful sleep is a benefit to a relationship, and I don't fear a few feet or a room's separation with a good relationship. I do fear it affecting a rocky one, though then again, it might improve things.

The NYT article mentions that a lot of the people doing the second master bedroom thing are older (or maybe middle aged with widely different hours.) I fully understand, concur, with the primal comfort and joy of sleeping with your mate. To have that all last, oh, say, forty, fifty, sixty years, good luck; sometimes a little distance is the better part of valour.

And, finally, I don't care how you sleep with whom... be happy.

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nimh wrote:

Chai wrote:
I have read you in threads saying that if 2 people are both in agreement to their marriage arrangements, one partner could have sex with someone, and it might be all right....

I dont know what Bella or Francis have said,

this might have led to some ideas about F's way of thinking about fidelity.

Right or wrong on both counts.

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Never say never is true. When my husband and I first started living together we would often fall sleep intwined or at least he'd throw a leg over me or I'd squish my butt into his belly area - all very romantic, cozy and warm. I considered the arrangement one of the best things about living with a man. Now many moons later, I have acute insomnia and the slightest thing can wake me up. He doesn't snore, but sometimes he talks in his sleep and then I'm up until dawn. On nights when I really want a good sleep I sleep in our guest bed with ear plugs and an eye shade. Although, and this is an age thing too, I think it does cut down on the sex. Part of foreplay is just cuddling up to your partner's body and it's hard to do that when they are in another room.

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the jeez louise was directed at this whole dinky dau thing as a whole....

jeez louise I say to one and all.

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ehBeth wrote:

this might have led to some ideas about F's way of thinking about fidelity.

Right or wrong on both counts.

Nice try on manipulation, ehBeth! But I'm not falling on it...

Just a question, what fidelity has to do with my take on dual master bedrooms?

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CalamityJane wrote:

Did the "monster" and you have separate bedrooms, dag?

Nope, we didn't. There was no other bed in that apartment, and you've no idea how many times I wished there was. so many times i'd end up in the living room and the scrawny uncomfortable sofa reading for hours. the best sleep was always after 5:30am when Monster went to work. Luckily I could always sleep in.
It's definitely challenging with Mr. India. I do often walk out in the middle of the night to the other bedroom (when I'm over there in India) and sleep there. He says he understands, but I don't think he really does. I don't think it's understandable unless one has similarly light sleep. anything wakes me up and unfortunately, when awoken, whenever at night, i have the stupid ability to be wide awake within a second. and then stay awake. i do know auto-hypnosis and relaxation and that works pretty well, but that also works best when i'm alone. other people just disturb me in my sleep. Even Monster, whom I believed to be the man of my life, did. when i buy my own house, i will have MY room in it. There might be a master bedroom if I live there with a man, but MY room with MY bed will certainly be there as well. MY own space.

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I like separate homes.

Separate states is good.

I have done separate countries, and that was good...except for some obvious frustrations.

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I am willing to sleep in a separate bedroom if squinney is willing to have monkey sex with me 7 nights a week instead of 4 or 5...a win win solution?

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I dunno what I want. I was happy through most of my marriage; we lived in a 750 sq. foot house, that's over decades. I was flimflammed when we broke up. I landed in a big house which I could barely begin to take care of, but really liked. But before that, I lived for a couple of years in our house alone and, while still grieving, also got to like making all the choices... so when I got to the bigger house (much less expensive area, great built in cupboards), a laborious three move process, I liked it just being mine. Very confusing, since I missed having my partner, well, missed love.

Somewhere along the line in that next house, I decided I'd best like not to be crammed in again. OK with small house with studios, big house (where is my Prince?), or, the way my finances are going, different tents... or yes, Dlowan, different houses. One gets cranky and willful as one fills out in self understanding over a lot of years; or, never mind cranky, just more self congnizant. The melding thing is hard to repeat, precious as it is. Keep it going, you who have it - it is hard to come by again.

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dlowan wrote:

I like separate homes.

Separate states is good.

I have done separate countries, and that was good...except for some obvious frustrations.

I once saw a needlepoint pillow that stated: One Man, Two Houses.

The older I get the more I understand it.

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dagmaraka wrote:

when i buy my own house, i will have MY room in it. There might be a master bedroom if I live there with a man, but MY room with MY bed will certainly be there as well. MY own space.

I think you hit the nail on the head there dag. It's about having MY space and YOUR space, and respecting each others space.

As for the room I sleep in with my husband, that is ALL I do in that room (well, besides that over thing :wink: ) It's a 500 square foot room, with the bed on the end near the door, and the only time I walk more than a foot or 2 past the bed is when I take it in my mind to vacuum in there. The rest of the room is his sanctuary, and I don't go into there unless I have a reason to get in the bed.

Ditto for "my" room, it's the same size, bed near the door, and the only time he goes much past the bed is when he lifts some weights, which is when I'm not home.

There's no "don't come in here" either verbal or implied, it's just that there's really nothing of interest for the other person in those rooms.

oh nimh...I meant to say this before....you said something above about sleeping together and waking up together and looking into each others sleepy eyes and all that stuff, and asked "Isn't that what marriage is all about"?

Well, no, it isn't.

In fact it's a very very small part of the big picture of what being married means. Touching is bonding, but going through what life throws at you is infinately more so.

From "The Prophet" Kahil Gibran
On Marriage
Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"

And he answered saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

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Chai wrote:

dagmaraka wrote:
when i buy my own house, i will have MY room in it. There might be a master bedroom if I live there with a man, but MY room with MY bed will certainly be there as well. MY own space.

I think you hit the nail on the head there dag. It's about having MY space and YOUR space, and respecting each others space.

As for the room I sleep in with my husband, that is ALL I do in that room (well, besides that over thing :wink: ) It's a 500 square foot room, with the bed on the end near the door, and the only time I walk more than a foot or 2 past the bed is when I take it in my mind to vacuum in there. The rest of the room is his sanctuary, and I don't go into there unless I have a reason to get in the bed.

Ditto for "my" room, it's the same size, bed near the door, and the only time he goes much past the bed is when he lifts some weights, which is when I'm not home.

There's no "don't come in here" either verbal or implied, it's just that there's really nothing of interest for the other person in those rooms.

oh nimh...I meant to say this before....you said something above about sleeping together and waking up together and looking into each others sleepy eyes and all that stuff, and asked "Isn't that what marriage is all about"?

Well, no, it isn't.

In fact it's a very very small part of the big picture of what being married means. Touching is bonding, but going through what life throws at you is infinately more so.

"sleeping together and waking up together and looking into each others sleepy eyes"

That's a nice part of a relationship (but don't forget the bottom of the cocky cage breath, the dribble in the corner of your mouth, and all that)....but I also love the nights and mornings on my own...and both having a choice.

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yes, sure sounds nice.... but most mornings i want coffee and not someone, no matter how beloved, to stare into my eyes. i don't want to be seen and/or interacted with before i had my coffee.

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yaknow...

thinking about it, I have been married to, living with or dating with weeking stays with men for a total of more than 20 years. I don't know about everyone, but most of the time the alarm goes off, one or the other has to get up first so just gets up and leaves the other alone so they don't wake'em up and walks to the bathroom. Thus the day begins. I never once have thought....

"oh wow, I wish we were waking up together and staring into each others sleepy eyes and pushing back each others tossled hair."

Sure sometimes you wake up and spoon for awhile, but it just sort of happens. I can't put a number on it. But life isn't some harliquen romance novel, which quite frankly, are boring in the extreme.

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Chai wrote:

yaknow...

thinking about it, I have been married to, living with or dating with weeking stays with men for a total of more than 20 years. I don't know about everyone, but most of the time the alarm goes off, one or the other has to get up first so just gets up and leaves the other alone so they don't wake'em up and walks to the bathroom. Thus the day begins. I never once have thought....

"oh wow, I wish we were waking up together and staring into each others sleepy eyes and pushing back each others tossled hair."

Sure sometimes you wake up and spoon for awhile, but it just sort of happens. I can't put a number on it. But life isn't some harliquen romance novel, which quite frankly, are boring in the extreme.[/quote

you are such a romantic....

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usually squinney is up before me, but when I was younger I would wake up and the first thing I said ws "Would you girls mind heading for the lobby or something? I need a quiet moment here to call my wife".

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I'm romantic in ways that REALLY count.

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Yup, yup and yup.

If I had to wake up and be romantic immediately, I would hate it.

I want to wake up on my own.

My favorite mornings are when we are all awake, dressed and at the table eating breakfast, or having an early morning food fight.

My favorite afternoons are when Jillian is asleep and hubby and I are watching that movie that scares her.. and we are laying all over the couch and 1/2 on the floor comfortably.

My favorite evenings are when he cooks and Im freely shopping at thrift stores.

Come to think about it... most of my favorite times are outside of the bedroom.
THATS what makes my marriage strong, cozy.. and mine. Smile

Dual Master Bedrooms?

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