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Thu 1 Mar, 2007 03:19 pm
On December 29th of this year I received a text msg from my wife of 7 years stating "I Love you"!!!! On Jan 5 she announced that she was done with me and us. I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. She said that she was not leaving yet, but had very little faith in our future together. She had an affair with a co-worker about 6 months ago. I forgave her for that, but a part of me still hangs on to it. I still have some trust issues when she goes out with friends. I think she is still holding on to some guilt as well. We still live together, but it's like brother and sister. If I tell her I love her she gets upset and accuses me of confusing her. I have asked her to go to see a therapist together but she said that she needed to see one by her self first. I'm in limbo now and not sure what I'm waiting for. Should I wait or get out now?
Hi Peter,
You may have posted after reading some other similar stories here, so my advice may be familiar. It's not fair of her to keep you in a state of limbo. I think you have the right to insist upon something proactive happening -- couples counseling, for example -- or that she needs to leave.
Good luck...
Peter--
Two people are needed to preserve a marriage.
Your wife doesn't want to preserve a marriage right now--but she doesn't want to break the marriage up, either.
She's having her cake and eating it, too.
What do you want?
not sure
I think shes looking for a TV/ movie type relationship. She says that I'm more like her best friend then her husband. ( Isn't that what marriage is)? As hard as it is living in limbo it would be harder for her to leave. Im willing to wait forever for her if she is willing to try. I ask her if she is, and she replies with "Im not sure"
We have 2 boys together ages 5 and 2.
Ooh.
How are things going on a day-to-day basis? Are you fighting, angry, or basically fine?
While it is generally thought that it's better for kids if their parents are not in unhappy marriages, there has been research that has showed it really depends HOW unhappy. If they're fighting and angry and there is constant or near-constant tension, yes, it's better for the kids to split. However, a divorce is hugely traumatic for children, especially ones so small, and a marriage that is not optimum but is basically functional -- children are happy and being cared for, there is some tension but not nightly screaming matches -- can be better than the alternative, for kids.
What about YOU seeing a counselor, even if she refuses? Just to get a better handle on how you can best protect yourself and your kids?
Basically we are fine. We don't fight or scream at each other at all. There is no tension ( I wont let that happen) We function as a team when it comes to the boys and house work. At this point in my life I don't think I need therapy. I have come to the conclusion that what ever happens, happens for a reason. I just find it hard not knowing. She is seeing her therapist on Friday, so we will see what that brings up. As she stated to me in the past "I hold my cards close to my chest you know"!
It sounds like you're willing to ride out limbo a bit more then. I'm glad that she's going to therapy herself, that's at least one thing that is in process.
Don't worry too much about the "needing" therapy thing. It's not about you not being able to handle things, or having a breakdown, or being mentally unhealthy, or whatever. It's about being in a very difficult situation and receiving advice from someone who knows what he or she is talking about, and who can elicit more important information from you (upon which to base that advice) in an hour than we can in a week.
If she chooses to split up, does she have the legal right to force me to sell the house? I will fight till the end to keep our home. Not for me, but for my boys. They need a place to call their own. They need SOME form of consistency and stability. I know we will work out a shared custody agreement, but we cant juggle them back and forth between rented apartments. I will never, ever let that happen.
I'm not sure... might be good to consult a lawyer, too.
My UNprofessional opinion is that she has the right to a certain amount of your shared assets, and that if the house is in her name too (and maybe even if it isn't) you might have to essentially buy her out (pay her half of the value of the house), which you might not be able to afford and keep living there.
But that's something to get a professional opinion on.
The thing that bugs me about this whole thing is that she has no idea how lucky she is. All she can see is her own doomed, self fulfilling prophecy. I suppose that its human nature to think of all the bad in your life and forget about all the good. Why the heck does reality have to be so subjective?
Hi Peter,
You've now started two new threads; one basically reiterating this one (no responses), and one complaining that relationship threads don't get responses.
As someone who has spent a lot of time responding to relationship threads, especially ones that don't contain the words penis and vagina and whatever else you said would get a reaction, I stopped responding to this one not because of content but because I didn't really have anything to more to say. You seem to be willing to live with things as they are. If you're willing, I can't force you. If you've reached a saturation point, then insist that your wife agree to counselling or get out.
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