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Wed 28 Feb, 2007 08:25 am
I have an eccentric, estranged younger brother. I'm not sure how to package the whole sordid story into a nutshell, to avoid the gory details - but he decided last year to 'cut off' the entire family. He said we all interfered too much in his life. I guess what we did could be termed that - but the situation was/is so complex and convoluted ...
Urgh. I guess I should try to explain what happened a little because w/o some background - nothing will make sense.
Last year, after apparently furtively 'carrying on' with her for a year or so, he married a first cousin (thankfully, by adoption), a girl who is 10 years his junior. This girl has the E and IQ of about a 12 yr old. She's not 'retarded,' don't get me wrong...she just wasn't 'raised right.' It's like certain wires in her brain are cross or not connected. Anyway. So last year, they married - after first denying that anything was 'going on' and then against both (or The) family's wishes.
It was a tumultuous time - their first few months of marriage. Noone thought they would stay together more than a couple months, given their personalities. I've already written about Z, A - my brother is, as I mentioned, highly eccentric. He's been very, very isolated most of his life post-high school; basically came to the US right after - and put himself through several years of higher education. My immediate family just isn't (don't know why) very good at staying in touch with each other. We're all very close, and will support/ help each other as much as we can when the need arises - but we just don't stay in constant touch. So, A, specially because he moved to the US in the pre-Internet & exhorbitant int'l phone rate era, didn't have much contact with the rest of the family. Plus, he was a poor student & my parents didn't have much money either - so no one could make trips back & forth - he was deprived of that as well.
So now. When he & Z (my cousin/ new SIL) were basically almost killing each other - my aunt & her husband and B & I kept trying to intervene long distance (with the length & breadth of the country between all parties at that time geographically & three time zones to boot). We did things like send the cops over one time when Z, after a major fight where they hit each other went back to her parents & B & I got a frightening phone call from A where we thought he'd tried to commit suicide. We did a few other things like this - basically always to ensure the physical safety of both Z & A.
Anyhow....after the last such 'interference' - A cut the whole family off. In a few months time, Z & he resolved their differences, and got back together. A few days ago, I found out that Z is pregnant, at the end of the 2nd/ beginning of 3rd trimester.
Here's where the dilemma is: Putting all my misgivings aside for the future of this little family and for the life of this baby on the way (I'm sick to my stomach thinking of it all), I just don't know what the right thing is for me to do. Should I reach out now to them? My father is visiting us these days and plans a trip to see A & Z; he could maybe (a big maybe because this is my weird loose-cannon brother we're talking about) broker peace talks somehow. I've just gone through the whole preg/baby experience myself not so far back - and there's so much hand-holding I can do for this kid (I really do think of Z as a kid). Besides, and I know it's none of my business (NOMB), but A probably won't even think of how important it is for his child to have family. We're immigrants, don't have much family in the US - it's a constant worry for me where M is concerned and I always try to keep in touch with as many of B's & my extended family goes.
I'm afraid that it would be very selfish and callous of me not to reach out to them. Maybe that's what they're waiting for. I'm afraid of being spurned (quite rudely too, I'm sure, if that's what happens). I'm afraid that if I don't reach out, it will haunt me for the rest of my life. 'What if....'
On the other hand....last year...dealing with all A & Z's crap was beyond hard for B & me. B, my rock and my strength, did it all - calling cops & midnight; coordinating with aunt & husband; trying to play voice of reason with A & Z. Because I was a mess. Plus M was less than a year old at that time. Picture a woman (me) with a crying baby in her arms, trying to breastfeed and explaining to the cops on the phone in A's town that I need them to go check on him b/c I'm worried he's trying to kill himself. I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with all that kind of drama, should it happen again. (I know it will.) Besides, we just don't even have the income/ resources these days to actually do very much apart from using the phone and calling people/ providing support (FWIW).
I don't know what to do. I so very much want to send a 'care package' for Z & baby (a girl btw, it makes me cry as I write this). Any wise words?
Re: Horns of a Dilemma
Don't ya just love families?
_HW_, the paragraph below struck me. Can you lift parts of it and send it to your brother in an e-mail? He might respond, he might not, but at least you'll know you've tried to reach out.
_Heatwave_ wrote:
Here's where the dilemma is: Putting all my misgivings aside for the future of this little family and for the life of this baby on the way (I'm sick to my stomach thinking of it all), I just don't know what the right thing is for me to do. Should I reach out now to them? My father is visiting us these days and plans a trip to see A & Z; he could maybe (a big maybe because this is my weird loose-cannon brother we're talking about) broker peace talks somehow. I've just gone through the whole preg/baby experience myself not so far back - and there's so much hand-holding I can do for this kid (I really do think of Z as a kid). Besides, and I know it's none of my business (NOMB), but A probably won't even think of how important it is for his child to have family. We're immigrants, don't have much family in the US - it's a constant worry for me where M is concerned and I always try to keep in touch with as many of B's & my extended family goes.
Quote:I don't know what to do. I so very much want to send a 'care package' for Z & baby (a girl btw, it makes me cry as I write this). Any wise words?
Go ahead and send a care package. If they return it, they return it. If they accept it, they accept it ~~ you'll know you've done the right thing.
If you and A begin to talk and the relationship becomes too much for you to bear, then you might have to be the one to walk away. Don't extend yourself beyond your own limits, but the olive branch idea sounds like a good one to me.
Oh gosh, that sounds hard.
I definitely relate, in a lot of ways. My SIL is my husband's sister, but a lot of the rest of it applies. SIL has always been a little "off" -- when she was 9 months pregnant, she was rushed to the hospital with a horrible headache and it turned out that she had a brain tumor. Baby was born (C-section), tumor was removed, life got complicated.
The part that resonates the most for me is that SIL got pregnant TWICE after that -- all three children have different fathers. Each time she got pregnant I had the hardest time knowing how to react. (This is another story where each aspect requires further explanation to make sense, I'll stop the layers here.)
I agree with JPB's take, just wanted to extend my general sympathy/ empathy.
Thanks, JPB & Sozobe.
Sozobe, that sounds like an impossible situation as well. I hope your SIL and her brood are doing okay?
JPB - that sounds like the reasonable thing to do. My father's plans have changed now, he will actually not be able to visit A & Z - they're in the midst of moving to another state because of A's job change. This throws a bit of a wrench into the works - his face-to-face conversations with A would've had some impact. As would have a hand-carried care package. As it is, I'm going to mail one to them. As you said - if they keep it, maybe it'll open a door; if they return it - at least I'd have tried.
There's one more niggling thought though as I play out the scenario in my head: so assuming we're all one big happy family all of a sudden (babies are an emotional time of one's life & whatnot) - I guess that means our two families would then mingle some more....possibly spend holidays with each other etc etc. What kind of an example would it be for my kid? How would I explain first cousins (albeit by adoption) marrying each other? "Here's your Uncle A, and cousin Z - who is also your Aunt Z."
You might find yourself explaining the situation to your kids regardless of whether the families are intermingling. As they grow, kids have a natural curiosity about their extended families. I don't think you need a pre-formulated answer. As they begin to ask questions, you might give more (or less) information based on their age and maturity.
To be honest, I don't think the family relationship connection is nearly the problem that the behavioral problems are. She's an adopted family member, there is no genetic link, and while unusual it doesn't (to me) present a social dilemma.
Heatwave,
I say be honest with them and let them learn by your example. You can't really keep family secrets anyway. If you're open with them about it they will see your concern for their odd choices but also see your love and care for them despite that.
Ok...here's an update...
A couple weeks after the last activity on this thread, my father ended up visiting cousin/SIL Z's parents. I knew Z would be spending a month at her parents' right around that time, so sent the little care package. It wasn't much - just a couple of dresses for the baby, and some silver items - customary for aunts in India to present to niece/nephews on their birth.
It was very well received. Apparently, Z gushed and ooh-ed & aah-ed over everything. However, I didn't receive a phone call/email or anything to say thanks or to say don't do it again. The day my father was departing from her parents' house to come back to us - I ended up having to call Z's mobile (since the numbers I had for her parents didn't work anymore), and that's when she thanked me, and said things like how much she'd love to stay in touch with me and whatnot. I gave her all my numbers, told her the best times to reach me, etc. That was more than two months ago. I didn't hear back from her/them. Not even when she joined A back in their new home, when I'm sure she must've shown him the stuff I'd sent.
I was sort of relieved that I didn't hear back. Of course, the concern I feel for them lurks constantly in the back of my mind. (Urgh, I *hate* feeling so conflicted!)
Anyway. Yesterday, Z called and left a message on our home phone while I was at work and left their new address (I'd asked her for it so I could send more stuff for the baby), and said she'd love to stay in touch. She said she's basically now ready to go into labor anytime within the next couple weeks.
I guess I will be calling back. Part of me is quaking inside - in case it's not clear yet, I do not deal well with conflicts or life/death type dramas.
And now that I have their address, I will send occasional care packages for the baby. I'm not sure how this is going to pan out. Part of me (most of me) is not ready to be back in touch with my brother. The other part though - I feel guilty, as though I am abandoning him. ("*He* doesn't get it - clearly he has behavioral/emotional issues. But I, the older sister, and wiser apparently - should know better.")
I don't know. Time will tell, I guess.
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