I could use some advice

Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 01:37 pm
This is about my daughter. First, she's a worrier. I am not, so, I really don't relate. She knows it doesn't do any good, but it seems she can't help it.

She is having a baby in a couple of weeks and has reasonable cause for worry. At the back (and front) of her mind all the time is that this baby could die. Of course it could, but history is unlikely to repeat itself and the child could die at any age in a number of ways.

Other than listening to her and reassuring her (and how can anyone do that, really?), I don't know what to do.

What is she looking for? What can I give this daughter of mine? Does she just want to vent? Does she want reassurance?

I ask you, particularly you worriers, what I can do for her. What does she need?

Thanks in advance. Oh, and she's in Ontario, so I can't even pop in and take her mind off things.
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 01:49 pm

Like you I'm a take-charge, don't-borrow-trouble control freak.

Therefore, I know my advice will be difficult to swallow.

Grit your teeth and listen.

It isn't your verbal reassurance she needs, but your listening ear. Mothers aren't supposed to be logically dispassionate. Mothers are supposed to protect their little girls against the universe by always being there for them.

She knows she's being silly--and she knows you love her anyway. She's going to raise that baby the way you raised her. That baby will trust her, the way she trusts you.

Generation after generation of trust. That's a wonderful legacy.
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 01:54 pm
Hi Mame,

your daughter's worries are understandable considering how she lost
her babyboy, yet there are many things she can do to ensure her that
her baby is safe at home. She probably will have a crib in her bedroom
the first weeks and after that there are numerous excellent monitoring
devices she can use to keep track of the baby at night.

Mame, chances are she'll overcome this fear once the baby is here,
simply because she won't have time to dwell on these things, but in
the meantime, I would give her reassurance and comfort. That's probably
all she needs.
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 01:57 pm
I worried about this all the time and I didn't even have good reason to. Not that she has good reason per se but it's HAPPENED to her.


I think just reassurance and listening is probably all you can do. Let her vent, be patient.

On Christmas day we learned that an acquaintance's baby had been found in his crib, not breathing. I nearly sliced off my finger thinking and worrying about it while preparing dinner. A couple of days later sozlet was very ill and I worked myself into an absolute frenzy sitting at the foot of her bed, trying to let her sleep without checking her with a flashlight (she'd wake up and she needed to sleep). And she's 6! (She was fine.)

Anyway, I say this just to say that I'm totally a worrier and I don't think that anything but reassurance and listening would help. Especially after what your daughter's been through.

If you can believe it, I wasn't a worrier before my daughter was born! Now, though... eek.

SIDS has to be among the absolute worst for this, too, because there's nothing you can do to prevent it, really. You can make it more or less likely (positioning, blankets, etc.,) but it still happens. Like, if a child died by drowning in a pool, there is of course the additional guilt to deal with but you can take control of the situation enough to be certain that another child is never ever near water unsupervised...

I have realized that ultimately I can only do my best and more concrete harm can be done by being overprotective than in trying to protect my daughter from every eventuality. Maybe that concept would be helpful, but probably later on, when the new baby is a toddler or so if your daughter tends to be overprotective (which wouldn't surprise me).

Wishing the best of luck and health to everyone...
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 01:58 pm
Took too long to type, both Noddy and CJane said it better.
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 03:21 pm

You're too modest--you've been there recently. Furthermore, you're a convert to worry.
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 03:31 pm
I remember I did something like this to my mother.

In fact my fear was so bad , I posted a thread here, sent letters to long lost friends, called free information hotlines, called my mother several TIMES a day........ the works.

I was so scared that Jillian would die from SIDS I would not go into her room until I heard her move.
I did not want to discover her little body.

I told my husband, and he is a drama king when it comes to worrying so he was of absolutely no help.

I too have lost children.
I had one live birth when I was 19, and 3 still births since then. Jillian was my 5th and last.
My fear was paralyzing me in many ways.

I would downplay it alot, but quite frankly it was costing me my sleep, my appetite, my sanity.. you name it.

All I wanted was for someone to look at me and say " You are right. She could die from sids like other children. "

thats it.

In stead, all i got was " Dont be so worried. " " Stop fretting" "it wont happen to you"

well... those thousands of other parents thought it couldn't happen to THEM either. ...
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cicerone imposter
Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 03:35 pm
Read this Tony's Story to understand what they went through.
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 03:41 pm
Is that the link you intended, C.I.? Post partum depression isn't quite the issue here...

I just re-read Mame's original post and may not be obvious if you don't already know the history, that Mame's daughter lost her first baby to SIDS when he was (4 months old?)
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 03:47 pm
Although I have no experience with childbirth, I have serious experience worrying. (If worrying were an Olympic event, I'd be a contender.)

When I express worry to a friend and get nothing but reassurance, it usually infuriates me. I KNOW that everything COULD turn out all right. That's not what I'm worried about.

I doubt that there's anything you can do to stop your daughter from worrying, Mame. Although you might try a both-sides-of-the-fence approach (yes, your concerns are real, but they don't have to turn out that way), I'm inclined to think that you should say to her what feels right and comfortable for you. She knows you, and you know her. And I reiterate, I doubt that she'll stop worrying no matter what you say.

The only thing that will stop her from worrying is for everything to turn out ok. And I hope that's the way it goes.
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cicerone imposter
Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 04:37 pm
From Wikipedia:

The diagnostic criteria for postpartum depression (PPD) are the same as for major depression, except that to distinguish PPD from the mild, transitory baby (maternity) blues, the symptoms must be present one month postpartum. Depression can also occur during pregnancy (ante-natal depression). Postpartum depression may occur up to one year after childbirth. PPD ranges from mild to suicidal.
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 04:41 pm
I dunno, C.I., I think worrying about losing the next baby after losing one to SIDS (and recently, too) is perfectly rational, if very sad.
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 04:43 pm
Actually, maybe that's something that could be helpful, Mame? Links to what shewolf said, too. Just the idea that sure, it makes sense that she's worried. That doesn't mean that anything bad will happen, but it's understandable that she's worried, there's nothing wrong with that per se.
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 04:59 pm
Sorry, I had to run out for a bit. I've read the advice and comments and want to thank you all for taking the time to help me. She is not suffering from PPD, CI, but thanks for your input. Like Sozobe said, it's a worry that this baby will die, too.

I think roberta hit the nail on the head about the reassurance thing - that is exactly how I feel. How can anyone reassure her? We don't know the future - this child COULD die of SIDS, too. But of course we want to reassure, don't we? That's just our natural instinct. That's why I wanted to particularly ask other worriers what would help them, what would be most beneficial.

I lost a baby girl (2 months old) to SIDS a year before Denise was born but I never thought that Denise would die. Not from SIDS, anyway. I just trusted that Nicole's death was a one-off and that it wasn't likely to happen to me again. That's the difference between us, and because of that, I don't know what to say to her or do for her.

I mainly listen to her and let her get it all out... and point out the odds of it happening again. You can be as safe as you want with your kiddies, but some things are unpreventable, like SIDS.

Denise and her husband are social workers and have access to all kinds of therapies and counselling and whatnot. In fact, they may still be going to a counsellor re Oliver's death. I'm not sure. They have an upbeat, positive outlook on life and thank heavens her husband is not a worrier.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, shewolfnm... my heart goes out to you for your losses. It's such an inexplicable event, it's hard to grasp. You were really brave to keep at it.

Noddy and CJane - thanks. I think you know how much I appreciate you.
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cicerone imposter
Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 05:03 pm
From Harvard Health Publication:

Depression during pregnancy
Depression in pregnant women is often overlooked, partly because of a widespread misconception that pregnancy somehow provides protection against mood disorders. In reality, almost 25% of cases of postpartum depression start during pregnancy, and depression may peak at that time, according to a study published this year in the British Medical Journal.

Sorry for the overkill; will stop here, but I'm just concerned that any depression related to the baby is somehow related pre and post. Just want to make sure information not commonly known is made availble and not seen in isolation.
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 05:13 pm
You may have something there, CI, in that her worries may be worse due to hormones. That's something I hadn't thought of.
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2007 05:46 pm
I was always somewhat anxious, but my daughter is much more so. I can remember my mother helping me by acknowledging my concern even though there was nothing she could do about it. Her simple, "I know you're worried", made a big difference. She didn't tell me not to worry, she didn't have a magic wand to get me to stop worrying, she simply let me know that she was there for me.

I try to do the same thing with my daughter. We sit, talk, talk about other things than what's got her worried, and generally just get through the moment. And, then we do it again a little while later.
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