Taking care of my Grandma

I'm sorry to hear your grandmother is ill.

Without going into specifics (because she's entitled to her medical privacy), you need to find out whether there will be a professional to care for her and what that entails, e. g. if that person would be on call or live there or whatever, and what they would be doing, such as giving injections, lifting her out of bed or dressing, feeding or bathing her. Or some combination of these things.

Plus, you should get an idea of how long you'd be expected to stay. A week? A month? Until she passes away? You are a person, too, and are entitled to have a life. You are a sweetheart to want to care for her but if this stretches into months and it's all you've got, and you don't make friends your own age, it'll be hard on you.

There are people here who are or have cared for their mothers or spouses, people who are probably similar in age to your grandmother, and I'm sure they'll be by some time soon to fill you in a bit more.

Best of luck to you -- it's a lot for you to even want to do this.

ginguh- I too think that you have all good intentions about your grandmother, but you need to consider the ramifications of what you are considering taking on.

I am one of the members who is old enough to be your grandmother. I have been taking care of my mother from one extent to the other, (although we did not live together) since my dad died over thirty years ago, and she recently died. I had a long thread on the subject. (Check the date on the first post)

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1948

First, if your grandmother is in intensive care, is she expected to survive her illness? In the hospital, in most intensive care units, relatives are only permitted to see the person for 10 minutes out of every hour, and only certain relatives at that. Before you pack your bags, you need to find out about the policy of the hospital.

So what you have are relatives sitting around a hospital all day, just waiting for that 10 minute period when they are permitted to visit.

As far as "taking care of her", if she does return home, what would be expected of you, and for how long? Taking care of an elderly loved one can be very draining.

I can understand the desire of your wanting to help grandma, but you need to think this through thoroughly. What is your relationship with your aunt? Does she want you to be with grandma to relieve HER of some of the care that she might have to provide? How will YOU support yourself while you are spending time taking care of your grandmother?

How long is your aunt expecting you to stay? A few days until grandma gets better? A month? A year? Indefinitely? Before you commit to anything you need to know not only what is expected of you, but what you are willing to give, and give up.

You might want to set a time limit on the time that you are willing to stay. What that limit is, is your own decision.

As far as what it takes to care for an elderly person, it varies from individual to individual. Does your grandmother have physical problems that would require you to spend interminable time in a doctor's office? An emergency room? Does she suffer from dementia, even in the early stages? How much is she able to care for herself?

Before my mother entered an assisted living facility, I had to food shop for her, take her to doctors, and sit with her, because she did not always understand the ramifications of her illnesses. I was totally in charge of her finances, paid her bills, did her taxes, etc. I had to make financial decisions for her.

I had to order and pick up all her medications, and set them out in a box that had compartments for each time of day. I took care of her laundry. I had to deal with any problem that came up in her life, including fighting with health insurers when mistakes were made.

Although she was physically frail, I did not have to dress or bathe her. At the point when she was becoming unable to bathe herself, and take her meds properly, that was the time that I had to place her in an assisted living facility.

You are a young woman, starting out in life. I think that it is important for you to think this issue through very thoroughly, and decide just how much you are willing to do. Whatever it is, it is your choice.

ginguh,

I am very impressed by your goodness of heart in wanting to help your
grandma and even more so by your wisdom in seeking information and
advice.

Phoenix32890 has written an exccellent summary of things to consider.
The only thing I can add is that if your grandma is in an ICU, then quite
possibly the next stop will not be home but a skilled nursing facility.

I hope you won't mind if I am blunt here.

Please bear in mind that the chief responsibility for your grandma's care
is not yours but of the generation before you, her children. They are the
ones who should be handling this.

I don't know why you are halfway around the world, but I assume you
are in school or working or otherwise getting on with your life. That's
what you should be doing.

Unless you are truly convinced that you want to live with and care for
your grandma, and that you actually are able to do it, then explain to
your family that you would love to come and visit -- for a limited time --
but you simply cannot commit to being a caregiver to your grandma.
Being a caregiver is physically and emotionally draining even for those
who are trained in it.

Anyway, just my advice.

All my best wishes go with you.

I think that the best solution is for you to go see her and explain that you cannot stay but wanted to come see her at least. She may not be around the next time you are able to go see her. Take this opportunity now.

That being said, at 18 I don't know that you are equipt to handle taking care of an elderly person who may need intensive home care. Your grandmother would not want you to give up your life for her, I am sure. But she would appreciate and love you coming to visit her.

Thank you all very much for your kind words and advice. They were very helpful.

You're very right, I need to get on with my own life. It's true, now that I think about it. If I were to do it, that would be the 3rd or 4th time I've put aside what I was doing in my life in order to help my family out, and each time I just ended up depressed and feeling lifeless.

I love my family very much, and I want to help them so badly, but I guess I first need to take responsibility for my own life, especially seeing how they sometimes don't seem to care to help themselves...

My grandma's doing better, but who knows how much longer she has before she's got to go...

Ginguh--

Visit if you can and then return to your own life with a clear conscience.

Many families have their own personal designated caregiver, who shoulders most of the responsibilities in family crises. You appear to be "it" in your family.

At 18, this should not be. If you continue to accept responsibilities that are really not your obligation, you will be doing this for the rest of your life. What you are doing is allowing the other, older members of your family an easy way of shirking their own responsibilities.

You are a young person, and have your own life to lead. Do not allow these vultures to find a way out by heaping everything on you.

IMO you need to take a stand. I heartily agree with George that it is your grandmother's children's responsibility for her care, not yours. If you want to pitch in and help a little, fine. But don't put your life on "hold" because the other people in you family perceive you as a "soft touch".



As long as you are there to pick up the slack, your family has an easy way out, on your butt. Please wake up and see the role that your family is attempting to force you into. It is neither pretty, nor appropriate.

ginguh, I'm glad to read your grandmother is doing better.

I'm with Noddy. Visit when you can, but hold onto your own life.

I almost went. It was a huge drama, felt like everyone was pulling on me. But I'm still here...and I'm glad. I'm just afraid I may have severed connections with the family...

*sigh*

Ginguh--

Not to worry. I'm sure you would have been a convenient solution as Caretaker for your grandmother, but I'm also sure you wouldn't be the only solution.

If the Sandwich Generation is miffed because you won't take their responsibilities....so be it.

Good luck.

I think that you did the wise thing. It sounds like you were being "used" by your family. If standing clear of what are their responsibilities and drama results in severing ties, so be it.

Echoing Noddy and Phoenix, I think you did the right thing also.
Best of luck to you!

To let you know how difficult this can be, I give you my mom's story of taking care of my grandmom.

My grandmom had a fall and broke her hip - she is in her 90s and has lived alone since I can remember. She recovered and had rehab in a nursing home. My grandmom hated the nursing home (even though it was supposed to be the nicest in town). When she was getting better, there was question where could she live. They checked assisted living places, but unfortunately she couldn't afford to live in any. My mom said she could stay with her temporarily.

My mom and dad had to remove their dining room table and set up a bed in the dining room - as my grandmom could not walk up stairs. She had an accident once where she didn't make it to the bathroom. My mom had to clean her up as one example of care. My grandmother started to depend on her to make sure she took her medicine, for food and almost everything. My mom herself has a health issue where she can get dizzy and feel sick and the only thing she can do is lie down. This can last more than a day.

Finally my mom said you have to recoup enough to move back to your apartment (it is in a Senior home setting so there are people looking out for you while not directly caring for you) or move to a nursing home. Grandmom is now back in her apartment - where my mom still checks on her daily, but she really couldn't continue. My mom had to be the "bad" guy and give her an ultimatum for her own well being. To top it off she has 7 brothers and sisters who many didn't even visit her, much less offer assistance. So yes, if you are the nice one, you will be taken advantage of if allowed.

I thought your advice was very helpful on this forum and I have found comfort from it I would like to thank you