I Lost my love ..how do we find it again?

After 12 years, I suppose it is very painful for a relationship to end like this, but from what you say, my advice would be:
Let her go!
If she is not in love with you, and (according to her) has not been for more than 5 years, and she is not willing to give up the other guy and give your relationship a chance, I don't think there's hope for you.

Sorry!

Your wife has confused love with infatuation, darren. Your counselor should educate her. (And you too, if you don't know the difference.)

I agree with Bohne - in fact, I don't see anywhere in your story where infatuation comes into it.

You can't make people love you and why would you try? If it isn't natural, don't force it. And why would you want her on those terms, anyway?

Move on with your life. Sorry, but there it is in black and white. It's over.

Hmmmm.

I'll agree with Eva that many people posting their relationship problems on a2k DO mix up love with infatuation, and that darren's wife may be one of those.

On the other hand, the wife's lack of enthusiasm for rebuilding - or even finding long time love in the first place - may be just the marriage death knell that mame and bohne say.

Trying to make someone fall in love with you-- or back in love with you in this case-- is a fruitless task. And hanging around trying and hoping is a surefire recipe for endless heartache and misery. Best to end it now and move on. Don't waste another 12 years!

Looks like it's time to go to the nudie bar. All answers will be revealed at the nudie bar.

Yes, seek out the dancer with the third nipple.

Blacksmith - some of us here on a2k have come back from the slough of despond. I did with my husband, for another good ten years. And then it all went to the dump. (consider hurt/annoyance).

Another poster kept trying and it did work, and so far so good.

Situations vary. Some are fked early on.

The deal is, that with the people I've known who have navigated really long term...

there have been, ah, killing fields, even if one spouse didn't notice them.








My own view is it's some sort of MIRACLE if people mesh, for any amount of time.

Well, miracle, or laziness.

she is not a very good friend if she would jeopardize everything you have had for a fling.

friends dont do this kind of thing to eachother, and you should be much more than friends if you are to be married.

accept that she has never had the feelings that are needed here, and maybe she never will.

you are scared to be alone and thats understandable, but there are a lot of positives that will reveal themselves once you get there.

we guys have this thing about us where we cant accept that our woman wnats someone else more than us.
it is natural; we all want to be the alpha male and if our woman chooses to be with another, then we are not top dog.

you need to get over the idea that you have somehow, "lost".
you have not.
you have won your freedom and that is very important.

the more confident you become the more you will realize that SHE was the one who didnt know what she had, and will probably realize it later when it is too late.

do not go back to her later.
maybe you guys can still be friends, but dont hurt yourself to do it.
good luck,
loosecannon

Unfortunately-- well actually, FORTUNATELY, since I was able to find the real love of my life thereafter-- I've had exactly the opposite experience. Hanging around, hoping and wishing, trying to do everything to please and receiving nothing but disappointment and disapproval everytime, day in and day out for year after dreadful year. Trust me, that'll kill your soul in the long run. I know mine was at death's door by the time I left...

If I had it to do over, I'd not have wasted-- yes, wasted-- the years or weathered the emotional scars (or footed the therapy bills, either!).