Marriage

You have a big question that needs many answers.

Alot of your answers will not be given to you 100% from here because there are very few people from India here.

In america, we dont have to have arranged marriages.

Getting a divorce is not a shame to do, and we dont have to pay to have another arrangement made.
So I dont know what that truly feels like.

Having said that, I truly believe if you are that uncomfortable and that unhappy with your marriage, you should find a way to divorce.
It is not fair to you .

And what if he starts cheating? He could bring you a disease. Then you would be the one sick because he isnt happy.

Im sorry that he seems to ( from what you are saying) completely judge you by looks alone. That has to feel terrible.
But, he is not the end all, say all of everything. He is not the last person you will ever meet.

And I am sure you know someone who has had a divorce? And remarried?
They are probably happier this time around huh?

It might be hard to deal with your societies hard rules about a divorce, but it would be easier to deal with that then be in a relationship where you are made to feel bad because you are not what someone else "wants".

I am sorry you got dealt that crappy hand.

No. Most marriages are NOT like that at all. I think there is a real sign, from what i can tell with this post alone, that there is something wrong.

There is no shame in making yourself happy by getting a divorce.
If you feel that is a good answer, then do it.

I am so sorry you are having this experience. I live in Vancouver, which has a very large Indian community, and I have heard of this type of situation. A woman I work with, in fact - Binder - is in an arranged marriage. She professes to be happy but she doesn't look so. I know better than to ask... she has her own family and friends to comfort her.

I am really, really sorry that he turned out to be this way. One of the rudest things a man can do is to look (never mind comment!) at other women while he is with another. That is a sign that he has no class.

The fact is that you both made a deal and so far no one has broken it. You either have to give up on a future of the two of you together (which would be my choice) or get used to it the way it is.

Only you can decide. But what shewolfn said is true - love and marriage is not necessarily this way. Actually, not usually, for and so seem many of the people who post here.

If we can help you in the coming weeks or months, let us know. In the meantime, just know that you have a sympathetic ear here.

Cheers.

scorpio2 -- As a typical American, I do not really understand arranged marriages. Can you tell me what is expected?

Do the partners expect to "fall in love" (Western terminology, I suspect) with each other after they marry...or is the marriage more of a commitment to build a family together?

Considering the failure rate of marriages in America, I'm not sure one system is necessarily better than the other. But I don't think it would be very wise of me to comment on your relationship until I know more about your customs.

Urgh!

Hi, scorpio2. Sorry to hear your story. Makes me glad (once again) that I don't live in India anymore.

This is a placeholder. I'll be back with questions/ comments.

As a very wise person on this board would say: Hold your dominion.

In america, we dont have to have arranged marriages.

not true. some parents in conservative christian communities arrange marriages for their kids. however most christians i know don't do this.

Thanks for all of your advice, though i couldnt make any decision at this moment but I am feeling better reading your advices and comments. Atleast I am not feeling heavy hearted anymore and i know now i can live for myself without feeling guilty.
I would like to share my observation with you all regarding arranged marriages i have seen in India (Its just my observation) . I dont know much about American culture but here we get married ( talking about arranged marriages only) because others feel we are a perfect couple. These others are none but our parents or relatives. while searching for a partner they keep age as the main criteria, for girls its 23-25 years, for guys its 28-30 years. Any so callled suitable person they find during this tenure of their child and they will consider that person as perfect match.
After marriage in 80% cases the couple realises the problem like may be interest mismatch, mental incompatability, background difference etc. As a result of these differences their life becomes boring and meaningless. For parents and relatives, these differences means nothing. And if anyone wants to come out of this relationship because of those differences then there again will be a social issue as this marriage was supported by your parents and relatives so they will try their best to keep them together forever whether they are willing or not.
So conclusion is you have to behave what society thinks right for you and they dont give respect to others feelings and independence. Or else you have to discard the society, family and everyone and live in a world of your own.

Re: Marriage
Hey, scorpio2:

I was thinking about your question. Yes, I do think that we get married in India for social reasons. We get married b/c our parents decide we're the right 'age' to be married at. Your emotional maturity does not matter. If you're (female or male) not married by a certain age - there's 'something wrong' with you. It really blows my mind that even the educated elite think the same way. So many of my friends, of both sexes, have actually said to their parents - look, I'm not ready yet. And the answer has been frustratingly similar across the board: doesn't matter. You're supposed to be married by a certain age - you & your partner can learn together. Do you want to be 30-years old by the time you have your first kid?

Most recently, I have seen my husband's brother marry through the arranged set-up. He was married last July, and I am already very close to my new sis-in-law (SIL). She comes from pretty much the same demographic that you have talked about....affluent, educated parents and SIL herself is 'professionally qualified.' She's attractive and fun. She is married into a family similar to hers...but where people are far more conservative (than they admit to being) when it comes to the daughters-in-law of the house than with girls of their own family. She confides in me quite a bit, and I am frequently taken aback at the degree of 'adjusting' she has to do.

As to the second part of your question:

I'm not quite sure how to answer this part of your question. I have only a second-hand perspective on how arranged marriages work. But, most of the set-ups I've seen, the passion part doesn't seem to be a big problem. At least, not very many people have talked about it. Can you be little more detailed about the conversation you have mentioned here...
What did you say to him in that conversation, and what did he say in response?

While it is troubling that he has said he would like to marry again, it is encouraging that you seem to be able to communicate your feelings/ concerns to him. And that he seems responsive. How do you get along with your in-laws? Do you live with them?

Hi Heatwave,

In response to your querry............In our conversation I told him what i realised....i told him that i felt that our marriage is a compromise, i might not be the person he thinks to spend his life with and though i love him but i would not like to spend my whole life with someone who doesnt love me. I even told how i felt ignored at the get together and how i felt about his attention to my elder sister. I have told him that i thought you are like this but lately i realised u have all the qualities that i am looking for in a partner but since you dont feel the same for me, its missing in our relationship.

In response first he told me the things he does for me on daily basis like dropping me to office etc which he said he does because he cares for me. I told him he cares for me and i dont have any doubt but love is missing. Then he cried and said he is sorry if i feel that way and asked me to give him another chance. He never had anyone close in his life so, he doesnt know how to love or express.

But my point is when we got married even i didnt have any feelings for him over the time such feelings have inculcated within me and i beleive such feelings cant be generated as per your wish. If you love someone there will be many things you will do for that person.....may be first time in your life.....and not if asked for.


when i said passion is missing....i meant.....many things he wants to do which i might not be willing but i agree to be a part of it for his sake but when i ask for something he simply says no giving some or other excuse like headache, not today etc.

Then one more question that i would like to ask is what could be the standard frequency level of sex in husband and wife...........though i agree there can never be any standard but is it normal if its once in 3-4 months may be.

No we stay seperate, not with in-laws and my relationship with them is fine, they consider me lucky for their family. I am not facing any problem from them.

Not at your age. NO WAY is that anything close to normal... whatever normal may be.

I'm profoundly unqualified to comment on the specifics of arranged marriage, but do have some thoughts about Society. Too often, it is a dirty word used to coerce people in negative ways. It doesn't matter if it's the Church or the State or your family and friends; when guilt is applied to make you do something for society, you are being wronged. Society can be defined most simply as everyone but YOU. Since I happen to place great importance on my own happiness, my decisions will not always mesh well with Society's wishes. So be it. A great woman once wrote; "I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine." There is nothing wrong with putting at least as much emphasis on meeting your own wants, needs and desires as you're expected to society's. Moreover, I personally think the relative consideration should be inverted.

Best of luck to you, and welcome to A2K!

Hi there scorpio2, I'm sorry you're having to face this problem...I'm from India and I sure undersatnd where you are coming from. Mine was not an arranged marriage (but I've had my own problems but that's another story). Lots of my friends have had arranged marriages and I have heard accounts of what they're facing.

No, I don't think sex once in 3-4 months is normal at all....I would think *at least* twice a week is closer to normal when you're young...though, of course, you're right - there's no such thing as normal, I s'pose.

It's difficult to gauge the reasons for your problem. Your problems could be because your husband has a low sex drive or because he is lookist and wants a wife who looks like a supermodel...
In arranged marriages, I guess you need to work that much harder at making the marriage work. If the lack of passion if the only problem in your marriage, and if you think this marriage is worth saving, you could try and work at making kindling some passion....(I dont have too many tips...you could ask people here on a2k, read some books...whatever).
Having said that, IMHO, lack of passion and attraction in a marriage is a serious problem..if you feel he's just like another good friend...and that there's no passion, maybe you should consider parting as good friends...
Good luck, scorpio2.

I've never heard of that. I'd be interested in some stats and a link to resources backing this.

I think that happens with some Mormon communities, too:



(Wikipedia.)

I very much agree with the general concept that America is too big and varied to say that arranged marriage "doesn't exist" here. From what I know, a similar concept applies to India. It's huge and incredibly diverse, not a monolith. So there are villages where divorce is almost literally impossible, and then more urban and educated communities where it's not great but it's not that big of a deal.

So, scorpio, how possible is divorce for you, in your community? What would the implications be, the impact on your life?

"So, scorpio, how possible is divorce for you, in your community? What would the implications be, the impact on your life? "

I stay in Metropolitan city and I am independent financially so getting divorce is not a big thing as far as legal and financial issues are concerned. But in India, specially in case of arranged marriages, families dont support divorce on the ground of lack of passion.
I am very much attached to my parents and i wouldnt like to hurt them. And i know they cant take this news. I tried to make it mutual by sorting out obvious reasons with my husband.
Once i asked my husband to leave me and start life fresh, but he is not ready to accept that there is anything abnormal about our relationship, he seems to be very contended with the way we are.

He says that there is nothing like that in his mind, its only that i feel so. And for lack of sex he says because we are very busy in our life, 5 days working and weekends goes in household work and socializing, thats why its normal.

Which Metro do you live in?


Not to make more trouble for you...but are you sure he isn't getting it elsewhere?

You might be surprised at your parents' reaction - if you do decide to confide in them. Mine have constantly surprised me as I've gone from a divorce to marrying-for-love a second time.

Have you considered marriage counseling? I know - let's see - 5 couples in India right now who are in counseling, that I know personally. And for most of them, it's been helpful so far.