My husband controls me

Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 04:04 am
My husband loves me, and I do love him. I had to leave my job when we got merry and then continue to graduate school while he is working. He loves me and cares about me, but he loves to control. After half year living together, he started telling me to do everything just like the way he wanted. He loves everything in order, he arranges everything in our home, the living room, even our bed position, at first, I think it is okay, It was not a big deal. But then, I feel that I don't have my space anymore, only his idea is ok. To make him please, I have to clean up everyday, in details, because after that he started to find some part of the kitchen is dirty and start complaining. He doesn't like if I go out with friends. So I started loosing contact with my friends and family. I only can go out with his friends, so we always go out with his friends. It has been two years now since we're moving to other country as he got transferred. This place makes me feel worse, as I don't have a car to go out, he also controls our finance and decide this one I can buy or not. I cannot talk to anybody, sometimes I even have to wait till he went to office, to call my family if I missed them. I am trying to get a job here but he said that he can provide everything, no need for me to work. I sometimes feel like I am in prison. Few days ago, we had a fight, and he hit me (this is the third times), one of my eyes is swelling and red, I am so sad. I hid myself in the room, while he was throwing things. Please I need your advice. I used to be a happy, cheerful woman, but now, I just don't know what I am into. He is taking control in everything in my life. I really love him, and try to avoid arguing with him, as I scared he could get angry. What do you think I should do?
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 05:00 am

He already hit you three times?
Don't even consider working things out!
At least not while he is on top and you are dependant on him.

Get out, get a job, get friends, get a life.
As equals you will have a point to start a discussion.
Not sure I would recommend it even then...

He does not love you!
You do not deliberately hurt the people you love!

Where do you come from, where have you moved to?
If money will be a problem, there are always ways!
Do not subject youself to such a life any longer!
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 05:44 am
you do not say which coountry you are in however if you feel safe to do so you should tell the police, you should go to a doctor who can rcord your injuries and perhaps get a friend to photograph you injury.

You must leave this man and your house for your own safety.

Think of a friend who your husband wont know and ask for short term accomadation.

There is no excuse for violent behavior between a husband and his wife.

It is important to remember this is not your fault you did not cause your husband to hit you. NOTHING gives him the right to do so!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Leve NOW! before he does you a major injury.
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 09:10 am
I hope you do not have children, or are pregnant. Not that it's impossible to leave then, but it's a lot harder.

Since you are able to get Internet access at least occasionally, check either online or in a telephone directory and find out about women's shelters in your area. I am sure that there is somewhere you can go. If you don't know, call 411 (information) if you're in the US and ask. Tell them at the shelter that you don't have a car and are in danger. You should be able to arrange with them that they'll pick you up whenever you want. If not, try another shelter. It's not like you are a princess, it's that you just don't have other options.

Now, also, mentally (don't write this down, just know it) prepare yourself to get out. Know where a small overnight bag is. Know what you're going to pack in it (and, by the way, recognize that you are going to leave a lot of things behind and may never be able to get them. You have to accept this as it's more important for you to be able to cut and run). Know where your passport, visa and any working papers you have are located. Get together any money you can, even if it's just pennies in a jar.

And, when he is next out for a few hours (at work, out with friends, whatever), get your stuff together, call the shelter and leave. If you cannot get a shelter to come and get you, even if you don't have any money, a lot of US towns have arrangements with local taxi services to get women who are in danger -- often at lowered costs or even for free. It's more important that you leave than anything else you might think you need to do, but what I am suggesting is to do yourself a favor and do it in an organized fashion if you can. I assume your husband is working this week. Yes, I'm saying to leave this week. This does not require a lot of thought, a quick plan, wait for the right moment and depart. You can call your family once you are safe.

This man has hit you three times. The third time is not the charm. He will continue to hit you. He has already injured you. People who love each other do not harm one another like that. He may claim he loves you. He may write it in letters across the sky. But if he is smacking you around, the claim that he loves you is a lie. He has also shut you off from friends, family and community. He will continue to do so until your world is the size of an atom.

It's time to leave. While you still have both eyes. While you still have all your teeth. While you still have a chance. You can do this.
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 09:19 am
Internet access
My sympathy for you in this situation. The advice given here is wise. Get out while you are still able to. This man is a jailor and doesn't love you -- not in any way that is safe for you.

That is, if this situation is REAL.

My question now is somewhat skeptical in nature. How did you find this site and know about how to post this information here? Have you been here before? How can you be on the Internet without his permission? He must know that you can talk with others through the Internet and get help. I smell an inconsistant rat here.
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 09:25 am
Concurring with the others. Sad You have a textbook abuser for a husband. The longer you stay, the more you'll pay... and it will never, ever get better. It will, however, get worse. A lot worse. The longer you stay, the more he'll convince you it is your own fault as well... and the harder it will be to leave. It's not your fault. Not in any way, shape or form.
Click HERE to learn more... and just how bad it will get if you stay.

Please... don't say a word to him... just find somewhere to go and get there. Your life is in grave danger and you likely haven't seen anything yet. Crying or Very sad
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 09:28 am
Re: Internet access
Ragman wrote:
That is, if this situation is REAL.

My question now is somewhat skeptical in nature. How did you find this site and know about how to post this information here? Have you been here before? How can you be on the Internet without his permission? He must know that you can talk with others through the Internet and get help. I smell an inconsistant rat here.
Don't be a damned fool. This site operates the same as thousands of other message boards and the zillion threads from abused women who post here make it come up in searches. Give suffering people the benefit of the doubt, will ya?
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 09:34 am
Yes. Summon all the courage in your guts and leave. Leave leave leave.
Jespah gave you the map. Follow it.

You are not alone and this does not have to last forever. It can end. You can have something different. You deserve something different - a life of your own, to feel safe, to know you will not get hit, to be respected and loved.

I hope you come back and post again when you can.

If you have any specific concerns for how to get out, there are people here who will do everything to guide you in the right direction. It can be done through personal messenging so that it isn't on the pubic forum. Or email or any way that works for you.

And if you thinking 'ohh, maybe I am just overreacting, it seems better today'...please don't be fooled.
It won't get better.
There is always a lull before the storm.
It will get worse.

You need to leave as soon as possible.

If there are specific things that scare you about leaving or that you think will prevent you from leaving: please don't give up there.
That is what the Shelters are for. And we'll help to offer perspective and point to options you have.
And of course to care and listen if you wish.

Hoping you're well.
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 09:45 am
Re: Internet access
Ragman wrote:

That is, if this situation is REAL.


I understand your skepticism as there have been false postings in the past on this forum in particular. There are people out there who do love to see what some sympathetic souls will do, as an outlet for their own amusement.

I am not suggesting that this poster has done this but, if she has, my take on it is always to take such things seriously because, even if this particular post is untrue, there are enough people who could post something like this where it would be true, so I write what I do for them.
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 09:50 am
Brooke had a really good post on signs of an abuser, but I'm unable to find it in a quick search.
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 09:54 am
osso, it's here: http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1051381#1051381
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 09:55 am
Ah, here it is -


quoting JustBrooke -

Nobody is immune from being abused.

The sad things is....many victims do not have a clue, what signs to look for, until it is too late. Abuse is simply not a male problem. Or a poor mans problem. It's not a drug users problem. There is no such thing as being demographically immune from abuse.

Who abuses? Big people/little people do. White/black people do. Male/female......Rich/poor.....Police do. Criminals do. Therapists do. Republicans do. Democrats do. Christians do. Non-believers do. In essence, you could say that abuse is an equal opportunity problem.

Many women/men are interested in ways they can predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive. Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who are potentially abusive. If the person has several of the behaviors ...(say three or more) there is a strong potential for physical violence ....the more signs the person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases..... a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that you can recognize, but they are exaggerated (e.g., extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

At the time of a relationship.... an abuser might say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love, it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. He/she might question their partner about whom they spend time with....such as family or friends. As the jealousy progresses, they may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly.

Many battered people dated knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married..... engaged... or living together. Everything seems like a whirlwind.

At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for the your safety. They can become very angry if you are "late" coming home. An abuser might question you closely about where you went.... and whom you talked to. As this behavior gets worse....you may even feel like you have to ask permission to leave the house.

Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all of their needs. Such as expecting you to be the perfect mate, lover, and friend. They might say things like, "If you love me, I'm all you need.....you're all I need." You are exptected to take care of everything for him/her emotionally and physically. A potential abuser really doesn't want to "share" you with anyone.

Which brings me to number 5.

A potential abuser might try to cut you off from all resources. If you are a female and you have male friends...he might call you a "whore." If you have female friends....he might call you a lesbian.... if you are close to family, you are "tied to the apron strings." The abuser might accuse people who are supportive of you....of "causing trouble."

Do you often take the blame for things that go wrong in your partners life? Even things you have no control over....or are not involved in. Such as things that might go on at your partners work place? Does your partner blame you for the mistakes he makes. Perhaps by telling you that you made him lose his concentration?

When your partner is angry..it is because of something you said or done. Therefore.......they tell you that they can't help it. If your partner is sad...you aren't doing enough to make them happy. Every emotion that your partner has.....they make you responsible for.

An abuser is easily insulted. They take the slightest setbacks in life, as personal attacks. They might "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that happen. Things that are really just a part of life, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told a behavior is annoying, being asked to help with chores.

This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. They may expect children to be able to do things beyond their ability .....(whips a two year old for wetting a diaper) An abuser might expect the children to stay in their in rooom, when he/she is home. Or they will tease children until they cry.

This kind of person may like to throw the woman down and hold her down during sex. They may want to act out fantasies during sex where their partner is helpless. The idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether the partner wants to have sex and use sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. A male abuser may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill.

In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the partner. Cursing them... calling them names and running down their accomplishments. The abuser will tell their partner they are stupid and unable to function without him/her. This may involve waking you up to verbally abuse you or not letting you sleep.

The abuser expects their victim to serve them. The abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

Many victims are confused by their abuser's "sudden" changes in mood. One minute they are nice.........the next minute they are exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

This behavior is mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The user may beat on tables with his/her fists, throw objects around or near the victim. This is very nasty behavior..... not only is this sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there's great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to frighten their partner.


Love is not supposed to hurt. Love is not supposed to be about control.

Love should bring "color" into your life. It should make you want to get up in the morning. Love should make you smile. And even on it's darkest days......love should make you feel safe, and warm.

If it doesn't.....then something is wrong.

(end of quote of Brooke's post)

Jespah's post is very useful.
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 09:55 am
JustBrooke wrote:
material girl wrote:

How can we tell between a charmer and an abuser

As charming as an abuser is.....there are signs that they can't hide. Though it is not easy for someone uneducated in DV to pick up.

So, PLEASE read and absorb........carefully.

1- Let's start with the most unrecognizable one. And that is simply their charm. Does that mean every charming guy is an abuser. OF COURSE NOT! An abuser will be exceedingly charming. You will start to think he is your knight. You will get along so well in the beginning. You may even feel that you are deeper in love with him than any man of your past. He is treating you that good.

2- They isolate you........... In the beginning it is very subtle. He may say to you "Lets not go to that party. I wanna just spend time with you" He may even tell you that he can't help being selfish. He just wants you to himself because HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH and every second with you alone is priceless. And when you give into him he showers you with love...to show you how much he loves your alone time.

Really doesn't sound so bad? Am I truely talking about an abuser? Read on.

3-Jealousy...........That in of itself does not mean he is an abuser. BUT..an abuser's jealousy is almost patterned. They will start out just simply being "a little" jealous. Not unlike what you might have seen in other boyfriends. However, with an abuser it becomes more and more constant. He will go from being jealous of a male friend to being jealous of ANY MALE. He has a very hard time hiding this from you. You will start to have possible second thoughts about him at this point. However, remember........he is still VERY CHARMING. Your thought process starts to get confused now.

4- Emotional upheaval....When you have a disagreement, and all couples do....after all is said and done....the blame process begins. Now, I know that we have all seen people that are NOT abusers play the blame game. There are simply people in life that never learn how to accept responsibility for anything. With an abuser.....even the simplist of things are your fault. VERY RARELY if ever will anything be their fault.

5- Contolling.....As your relationship develops he might start to show displeasure at how you dress. My abuser hated for me to wear t-shirts with writing on the front. He said it drew attention to my breasts. He hated that. He never wanted me to cut my hair. Not even a trim job. An abuser will slowly start to control all aspects of your life. As LOVINGLY as they can, at first. :wink:

Now.......how can you tell a charmer from an abuser? We have established here that an abuser can be VERY charming. There are many charming men out there. What an abuser has that a man that is true at heart doesn't........is a mixture of all of the above. And I might add.....his charm is EXCEPTIONAL.

That has been hard for me in trying to develop a new relationship. IF the guy is a true sweetheart.....I find myself very leary of him. But at the same time.....I now know what other signs to look for. And I'll tell ya, I love someone that is charming as much as the rest of you do. Smile

If you are dating someone that exhibits a combination of the above......and ESPECIALLY if he has ALL of them.......your antenna should go up ladies. He may not be abusing you....but his actions at least warrant you pulling in your heart strings a little bit and standing back.

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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 09:56 am
Agreed that this is pretty much a classic case, especially in terms of removing her from any support system.

pipermatt, please do find a shelter as a first step. If calling 411 seems too overwhelming or if you don't live in America, and if you're comfortable saying what city you live in, we can do some legwork for you and get some numbers.

Once you get to a shelter you can re-assess and make plans from there. One thing that might be possible though is that you could make your way back to your own country -- do you still have friends and family there? Being on your own turf and in the midst of your own support network -- and, hopefully, far away from your husband -- could be something to look forward to.

For now, though, shelter information is your first step.
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 09:57 am
(thanks, Jespah!)
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 10:06 am
Chill Bill
thanks, Jespah for your kind and sage response. I accept what you wrote and offer both to the responders and to the potential victim. It's sometimes a precarious position caring people are put in when insincere people come here occasionally and play upon sympathies. We all have seen it happen here before..and it's not all together rare. Jespah, I'll adjust my approach in future based on your guidance.

Occum Bill I'm neither a fool nor mean-spirited...just been on this and many forums for a long while and have seen trickery before. This is why I posted my initial advice to her as though it were a serious plea for help. I simply covered both possibilities. Chill Bill
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 10:37 am
Thank you
Thank you so much for all your support. I am crying now cause I am so glad reading all your advice, there are so many nice people out there who care about me. Thank you all. I found this forum last night when I put the word my husband hit me in google search. I prepared this internet line by myself, I hide the modem I bought last November, cause he hid the modem line that we used together whenever we had a fight. He also took out the phone, so I cannot use it. He is in office now, I don't know where he hid the phone. He threw everything in the living room and threw all the food I made to the garbage. I should have mentioned earlier that I was applying for a job in another city last month, so I can go away from him. I was interviewed last week, I went there, the company prepared all the accommodation and hotel. I really wish I could get this job and move on with my life.
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 10:50 am
Hello pipermatt,

having a job possibility is a real plus for you, however, you should
leave right now. Do not, under no circumstances tell your husband
where you are, and what you're doing, otherwise you'll run the chance
that he's coming after you, and men like these, always do.

Have your family send you some money to pay for the hotel, take
a few belongings and leave. Do it today and never look back!
You are in a dangerous situation, and you have to get out immediately!
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material girl
Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 10:54 am
Love is a feeling, you can love him from a differnt country.

He sounds like a grade A ***hole, a very insecure man.

Leave him and be the happy person you used to be.
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Reply Mon 15 Jan, 2007 10:54 am
Definitely...agree with previous psoter. Don't wait!..Don't hesitate. This is coming to a critical point. No news should be given about the job, either. What country are you in?
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