Man Sues Catholic Church for Non-Abuse

Written by NickFun

Harry Pinkerton, a 39-year-old school teacher and former altar boy, is suing the Catholic church for failing to abuse him. Pinkerton claims the lack of sexual assault has damaged his self esteem.

"I served mass almost every week", Pinkerton said. "I was never fondled, never touched and never even had a dirty look cast my way. The priests all had me believing it was all about God and Jesus and the Virgin Mary and all that crap. I see all my friends driving really nice cars and living in really nice houses from their settlements and I'm driving an old Toyota and living in a $600 a month apartment. It's just not fair!"

Dr. Maureen Jenkins, a prominent behavioral psychologist, said Mr. Pinkerton suffers from "Not good enough" syndrome. "Men like Mr Pinkerton feel that they were not pretty enough or athletic enough to be abused", Dr. Jenkins explained. "This causes feelings of inferiority later in life as is clearly demonstrated in Mr. Pinkerton."

Mr. Pinkerton's attorney Melvin Greenberg discussed terms of a possible settlement. "We are requesting $3 million dollars from the church for Mr. Pinkerton's ongoing psychological counseling plus an additional $20 million for his pain and suffering. Oh, and an apology."

Mr. Pinkerton insists it's not about the money. "It's about respect", Mr Pinkerton said wiping a tear from his eye. "They abused all the popular kids, the athletes, the good-looking kids. Kids like me were ignored and made to feel like second class citizens".

Father Richard Fuller, Pinkerton's pastor from his former church, would not comment due to the pending litigation.