help me plz, the deadline is coming to town :((

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This is my personal statement.
Looking for ur unEXPLAINED censorship :wink:

Whoever says "You never miss your water till your well runs dry" is a loser.
I did be a loser. I just realized my having been in the real happiness when dad, my idol during last 15 years of intelligence, fortitude and sacrifice, in order to run after his new love glacial pushed my joyful family into the being hardly noisier than a funeral parlor with emotionless staggering shadows. His abandonment of his once-beloved wife and three children not only hurt them inside but also teach the children from the early years of age, what does it really mean to a child born from an once considered infamies family in Vietnamese traditional society: they understood profoundly pity and contempt.
The time when the wind and waves of this small family storm swept away its happiest days is also the time I nearly confronted imminent secondary graduation exam and high school entrance one. I knew that I would not DO the exams, but I have to FIGTH them with all of my effort, simply because I was always one of the top students in my class, and more importantly, because I was all of mom's pride and expectation. However, the inferiority complex about special family situation locked me in a dumb shell where I found myself shrinking into my familiar corner to abortively dispel the breaking glass's sound bitterly echoing from mom's room. It was harder at the end of the day since I was surrounded by such nightmares of being separated from my beloved that I could not remember how many times I suddenly woke up at midnight and started to cry. Silently the sound arrived the throat yet was stuck in the nasal cavity, suffocating my breath while the tears were running on cursively on my cheekbones. I tried to caress myself that these tears would bring out the entire ghastly obsession, and then left me even part of a peaceful night.

I knew that no one would reproach me if I, an immature 15 year-old girl eventually, like many people in the same case, gave up everything to run after the pacification of psyche. But where would I have been eventually but the abysmal chaos where once again I could regurgitate the loss of my only remained treasure? No, I don't want to be a loser any more. Whenever coming back home, seeing mom's emaciated figure and my brothers' unusual sluggishness, I knew that there was nobody but me having to restore and invigorate this family. Stepping from the used to be carefree life, I bent my feet into a very new role, to be a mental backbone for my family: a firm shoulder for Mom to lean on, a patient guider for my brothers and everything I could to fulfill the hole Dad left.

When days faded and everybody fell into sleep, I persistently struggled with restlessness under my blue kitty lamp to finish the homework, do extra puzzles preparing for the imminent exams which day by day squeezed out my power. Maybe I could not live with my initiate interests but the indelibly engraved image of Mom's joyfully alight smile and my brothers' happily admiring eyes in the day I got the accepted letter of Hanoi Amsterdam High school for the Gifted has excelled all tiny selfishness. Looking back of the seemingly passed crisis, I do not have the feeling of experiencing a severe tragedy but the mercy that I was tempered by life's bitter challenges. If I hadn't fallen into that situation yet lived happily and care freely in my parents' careful protection, I could have not reached this mature status. Success is sweet but failure has its uniquely precious lessons from which I learnt to appreciate the things I have a pleasure to possess, learnt to stand tall after hurts.

Now, with the support and encouragement of family and friends around, I confidently put my legs on a new voyage no matter how risky it is because that is exactly my life-long dream, more important, the passion I've been ready to please. I'm GOING on as I know that "He who is afraid of hurting his own leg dares not to move on, but if so he stops, his legs are worthless.".

Feel free to give the most acrimonious comment Neutral

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Obviously English is not your native language. Your sentences are all much too long. You write like you are being paid by the syllable. In fact, that piece is very similar to the "word soup" produced by spamming computer programs. Was it written in Mongolian and translated by a computer into English?

Were you drunk or stoned when you "wrote" it? What the hell does it mean? What does "FIGTH" mean?

You missed out lots of conjunctions and articles.

This is just pure nonsense

Quote:

I tried to caress myself that these tears would bring out the entire ghastly obsession, and then left me even part of a peaceful night.

In fact it all is! Why did you post this trash?

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Thx u, contrex, for reading this "pure nonsense" 'til the last sentence Very Happy

I can feel the first stone Very Happy

Quote:

Obviously English is not your native language
yeah, that's why I need you ("you" here might not be you )

Quote:
What does "FIGTH" mean
I mean FIGHT. That's a stupid typo, huh

And, there's one thing I need to take note: It's not easy for me to make this stuff public.

Is there anyone else having somethign to say?

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Hi my really me and welcome. I know that what you wrote was sincerely felt, but you are trying too hard to make it sound "important." You need to simplify the language and write shorter sentences.

You have a big vocabulary, but you don't always use the words correctly. For example, I don't understand what "abortively dispel" means. There are many sentences that are not constructed in proper English:

"I did be a loser. I just realized my having been in the real happiness when dad, my idol during last 15 years of intelligence, fortitude and sacrifice, in order to run after his new love glacial pushed my joyful family into the being hardly noisier than a funeral parlor with emotionless staggering shadows."

Although the words are there, this makes no sense. I think I know what you want to say, but you're not saying it. For example, "I did be a loser" is not correct English. I assume you mean, "I was a loser." I have no idea what "glacial" is doing in this sentence or what it means. But the whole sentence is constructed incorrectly. Make it shorter. That might help.

I understand that English is not your first language. I don't expect you to be able to write perfectly, but you're making it harder for yourself than it has to be. Please simplify.

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I was the loser. My dad, an idol of ours for his fortitude, intelligence and sacrifice over the the last 15 years had wrapped me in real happiness. Now we were alone as he froze out his family. Prefering instead to persue his new love.

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Thanks Roberta. I know my problem. Indeed, my writing is very bad ( even in my native language) and English has never been my strength ==> that's why this essay so messy.
Because many people told me that in such stuff (SoP) you should use a variety of sentence structures, so I think a long sentence with relative pronouns will sooth the my innate "formal" tone.
About my "big words" problem, I admit since I'm studying SAT, OMG, big words are part of my life Crying or Very sad

After all I really appreciate the comments you made, even of contrex whose comment annoyed me at first. Can you please show me more stupid blunder?

PS: I did be a loser==> I think that DID here will do the emphasizing function Shocked

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my really me wrote:

Thanks Roberta. I know my problem. Indeed, my writing is very bad ( even in my native language) and English has never been my strength ==> that's why this essay so messy.
Because many people told me that in such stuff (SoP) you should use a variety of sentence structures, so I think a long sentence with relative pronouns will sooth the my innate "formal" tone.
About my "big words" problem, I admit since I'm studying SAT, OMG, big words are part of my life
After all I really appreciate the comments you made, even of contrex whose comment annoyed me at first. Can you please show me more stupid blunder?

PS: I did be a loser==> I think that DID here will do the emphasizing function

(What I say will be in red.)

mrm, "I did be" is not acceptible English. If you want to emphasize this, you can say, I was indeed a loser or another phrase. Yes, it's good to vary sentence structure, but that doesn't mean the sentences have to be very long. I used three different structures in the first three sentences here. None of them is long.

Let's look at what you wrote a sentence at a time:

Whoever says "You never miss your water till your well runs dry" is a loser.

This makes no sense. Why is the person who says this a loser?

I did be a loser.

We already discussed this. It's not acceptible English.

I just realized my having been in the real happiness when dad, my idol during last 15 years of intelligence, fortitude and sacrifice, in order to run after his new love glacial pushed my joyful family into the being hardly noisier than a funeral parlor with emotionless staggering shadows.

Here again the sense is muddy. You now understand what happiness is because you lost it? Your father was your idol because of his intelligence, fortitude and sacrifice. This is a sentence. The next part makes no sense. Did he fall in love with another woman and leave your family? The last part of this sentence is melodramatic. Do you know that word? It's too dramatic. You were trying to hard to find a dramatic way to say what you mean. The sense is lost. Is your family now silent? Like the silence in a funeral home? Why not say this?

His abandonment of his once-beloved wife and three children not only hurt them inside but also teach the children from the early years of age, what does it really mean to a child born from an once considered infamies family in Vietnamese traditional society: they understood profoundly pity and contempt.

This sentence is very confusing. I understand the first part. His abandonment hurt his wife and children emotionally. I truly do not understand what you mean by the rest. "to a child born from an once considered infamies family in Vietnamese traditional society." The English is awkward. And the meaning is very unclear. Is there some kind of stigma attached to being abandoned by a father in Vietnamese society? Some kind of shame? What does the word "infamies" have to do with anything here? The last part--they understood profoundly pity and contempt--is clear. I understand this. But get rid of the colon. Make it a separate sentence.

The time when the wind and waves of this small family storm swept away its happiest days is also the time I nearly confronted imminent secondary graduation exam and high school entrance one.

Here again the construction is awkward, and the language is melodramatic. Are you saying that your father left at exam time? You could say something like, This painful event happened just as I was to take my secondary graduation exam and my high school entrance exam. The winds and waves and storm are unnecessary and take away from rather than add to the meaning.

I knew that I would not DO the exams, but I have to FIGTH them with all of my effort, simply because I was always one of the top students in my class, and more importantly, because I was all of mom's pride and expectation.

More awkward construction. Do you really mean that you had to fight with the exams? Wasn't the fight within you? Wouldn't it make more sense to say that you were hurt, depressed, demoralized, whatever and didn't want to take the exams. But you gathered your inner strength and took them because you wanted to remain a top student and more importantly didn't want to disappoint your mother.

However, the inferiority complex about special family situation locked me in a dumb shell where I found myself shrinking into my familiar corner to abortively dispel the breaking glass's sound bitterly echoing from mom's room.

I'm lost with this sentence. You developed an inferiority complex? Seems unlikely. Are you sure you understand what that is? An inferiority complex locked you in a dumb shell. This makes no sense. Do you mean that because of the trauma of your father leaving, you were unable to think clearly and do your best? If that's what you mean, and I can't be sure if it is what you mean, then why not say so?

I found myself shrinking into my familiar corner to abortively dispel the breaking glass's sound bitterly echoing from mom's room.

I really don't know what this means. What corner? What does abortively dispel mean? What breaking glass? I'm lost. You need to say what you mean using simple language.

It was harder at the end of the day since I was surrounded by such nightmares of being separated from my beloved that I could not remember how many times I suddenly woke up at midnight and started to cry.

What was harder at the end of the day? Did you have nightmares when you were sleeping? Note that using "beloved" as a noun usually refers to a lover. Using "beloved" as an adjective would work if you're referring to your beloved father. I assume that this is whom your're referring to.

Silently the sound arrived the throat yet was stuck in the nasal cavity, suffocating my breath while the tears were running on cursively on my cheekbones.

The first part of this sentence is both unclear and a little strange. A sound is stuck in your nasal cavity? You don't suffocate something. You either suffocate or you don't. Tears don't run cursively. You need to simplify your language. Say what you mean. You choked back crying or sobbing out loud as the tears ran down your face.

I tried to caress myself that these tears would bring out the entire ghastly obsession, and then left me even part of a peaceful night.

Here again you're trying too hard. "caress" is the wrong word. Do you mean "console"? What ghastly obsession? It didn't sound to me that your were obsessed. You were justifiably upset. A big difference.

I'm sorry that I can't go over the rest now. I don't have the time. If I can, I'll come back. But you need to fix what you've written. Make is simple. Avoid overly big and fancy words. Use words that you're sure you know the meaning of. You can vary sentence structure without making the sentences too long. I want to help you, but I don't want to rewrite this for you. You need to do this yourself. And I believe that you will try. I wish you well.

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Roberta, your effort impresses me much but I don't know how to express my thankfulness without applying wrong big words. j/k
Thanks for freeing me from the confusion of long sentences and big words. Trying to be another person is not a good idea.
I'll try to break the record, rewrite my essay within 1 day. Rolling Eyes

When I wrote "Silently the sound arrived the throat yet was stuck in the nasal cavity, suffocating my breath while the tears were running on cursively on my cheekbones. ", I tried to rephrase the feeling of crying silently. Still unclear? I guess. That's when u cry, just want to cry, to wail and even to scream, but in the next door are ur beloved ones who are so tired after a long hard day. The sounds bringing along with ur hurt cannot get over the throat, then are stuck while the flow of tears still runs on ur checks.

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my really me wrote:

Roberta, your effort impresses me much but I don't know how to express my thankfulness without applying wrong big words. j/k
Thanks for freeing me from the confusion of long sentences and big words. Trying to be another person is not a good idea.
I'll try to break the record, rewrite my essay within 1 day.

The sentences above are clear and precise. So you can do it. You need to apply the same writing to your essay.

When I wrote "Silently the sound arrived the throat yet was stuck in the nasal cavity, suffocating my breath while the tears were running on cursively on my cheekbones. ", I tried to rephrase the feeling of crying silently. Still unclear? I guess. That's when u cry, just want to cry, to wail and even to scream, but in the next door are ur beloved ones who are so tired after a long hard day. The sounds bringing along with ur hurt cannot get over the throat, then are stuck while the flow of tears still runs on ur checks.

That's when u cry, just want to cry, to wail and even to scream, but in the next door are ur beloved ones who are so tired after a long hard day. The sounds bringing along with ur hurt cannot get over the throat, then are stuck while the flow of tears still runs on ur checks

This is clearer and better than what you wrote originally. Yes, sounds are in your throat, not your nasal cavity. "In the next door" is wrong. Either in the next room or next door is right. You don't want to make noise to disturb your family in the next room, so the sounds are stuck in your throat while the tears run down your cheeks.

I'm glad I was able to help you. I hope you get your paper written in time. Good luck with it.

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help me plz, the deadline is coming to town :((

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