My graduation speech first draft !!

Re: My graduation speech first draft !!
Hi there Vonderjohn.

I did a bit of editing of your speech. I'd like to see you add a lot more personal anecdotes to customize it to your school and your classmates. I indicated a few spots where it would be appropriate. Also, I toned down the political rhetoric a bit at the end. Hope things go well for you.

Hi Vonderjohn, Thanks for letting us see your speech. Butrflynet has fixed the things I would have fixed, except for one paragraph. I picked up the paragraph from her revised version--not your original.

Their intellectual backgrounds and outgoing attitudes with students made the contributions of each of our teachers a valuable academic resource. Even our principal (use his/her name) got involved by motivating, supporting and yes, sometimes even inspiring within us a sense of determination. These school years together were a one-of-a-kind experience we will remember with a glowing warmth for a very long time.

It's not clear what you mean by intellectual backgrounds. Do you mean academic background or intellectual interests? The phrase suggesting that contributions are a resource seems strange. Change to "made the contribution of each teacher invaluable"?

I'd delete the word "together" from the last sentence of the paragraph.

I agree with Butrflynet that you need to make specific points to personalize the speech.

Otherwise, it seems fine to me. I congratulate you on your achievement and wish you luck in the future.

Yoiks. Another double thread on the speech! Hopefully, someone can hook the two together.

Hi Vonderjohn, I just reread your speech. I'm wonder ing about the last paragraph. Are you in a military academy in Lebanon?

Oh no not at all im not in a military academy...we don't have much of them around here. I'm in a high school
Why asking by the way ?

Hi Vonderjohn,

I asked whether you were in a military academy because you said, "On the behalf of this institute, I congratulate each one of you for the commission you've earned and for the credit you bring to Lebanon."

Commission sounds military to me. Sorry to pry.

Oh ok I understand...
So what do you suggest I put instead of "comission" ?

Why not pick up what Butrflynet said and use the word "achievements." You mention diplomas earlier in the speech. Do you want to use it again?

It's a small point, Vonderjohn. If people won't wonder what you mean by commissions, then leave it if it feels right to you.

Vonderjohn, Tomorrow's the big day! Good luck.

Thank you all!
Oh well thank you Roberta and thanks to everyone who gave me a hand in making this speech, tomorrow IS the big day alright the ceremony is going to begin at 7 p.m and will last around 2 hours. I'll be giving my speech knowing that your remarks and effort has been planted in many of its corners. Thanks once again
I'll be posting the final draft of the speech before I head to the ceremony tomorrow So if you have any final remarks please go ahead.

VJ

This is the final draft. Thank you for your precious help everyone.

I'm heading to the show! Wish me luck
Bye bye

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Good evening everyone;

On this beautiful Friday evening, Saint Severius College is proud to present its class of 2002-2003 in this memorable ceremony. In the beginning I would like to thank my teachers and friends for the privilege of standing here today. I am truly honored.

Being a part of this year's class, I will always remember the fascinating days I spent with my friends and teachers; the interesting academic sessions of every week day, the entertainment of our field trips, and the rough hours of every exam.
With our teachers, every second of their presence was highly valuable for us. Their significant intellectual background and outgoing nature with the students made them a very reliable and friendly academic reference that provided us with the excellence of education.
I remember the motivating encouragement that we have received from our principal Mr. Tarazi on every crucial occasion. It inspired many of us to thrive with an ongoing sense of determination.
Our long school years were an overall one-of-a kind experience which will be remembered by each and every one of us for a very long time.

To you my fellow students I say: Congratulations. Congratulations on the great accomplishments that you?ve achieved this year. And today, as you leave with a diploma in hand, remember the encounters, the good and the bad ones, which you've experienced here. Remember the promises you?ve made to yourself and others. Keep in touch with those who have influenced you. Don't forget to drop by this school from time to time. Teachers would love to hear from former students. Take the chance today to thank those who have made this day possible.
And most importantly, keep in mind that you are heading into a society which is full of challenges and opportunities to benefit from. So be fully aware of every step you take, because those are the steps which will be shaping your own destiny for the rest of your life.

And most of all, we should never forget that our country needs us. It is our duty and responsibility to take good care of it and devote ourselves to its cause in every possible way. We fight, as we always fight, for a just peace and a prosperous country that promotes human liberty and embraces religious diversity.

Last but not least, I?d like deeply thank our teachers. Thank you for all the time you spent teaching us, for all your never ending patience and forgiveness, for all the wonderful treatment that we have received from you throughout this year. Everything you did influenced us in many ways, be sure that you mean a whole lot to us and we promise you, to leave, marked by the character of this academy, carrying with us the highest ideals of our nation.

Dear friends
On the behalf of this institute, I congratulate each one of you for the degree you've earned and for the credit you bring to Lebanon.

Oh and I'd like to thank my friends at able2know.com for the help in writing that speech

God bless you all.

Thank you

Congratulations to vonderjohn and his classmates!

WONDERFUL, VONDERJOHN. CONGRATULATIONS AND BEST OF LUCK IN THE FUTURE. I WISH YOU ALL GOOD THINGS.