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Thu 4 Jan, 2007 10:40 am
Hi all,
I have been married for 10 months now and my marriage has almost broken down.There have been incidents in the past with her parents and mine and its just spun out of control.My wife has a never spoken to my family since the last one year - her argument " i am not the one who stopped talking to them".On the other hand i do not trust her parents at all cos of the things that have happened in the past but inspite of that I still talk to them , i shud be honest that i dont talk a lot but i just say a few general things about how they are getting on etc etc.people say guys are mama's boys but dont i expect some sort of respect towards my folks?? They are old and dont even live with us , they live in a different country .She says she loves me a lot but she hates my folks and a few abusive words that i am ashamed of writing in here.Offlate she has stopped doing it though and apologised for her horrific words.It had a very negative effect on my mind regarding my wife. I always think " will she react differently again if some situation arises?". On new years day she told me point blank in her own words --- "I always thought i would leave if there is the 'other woman' in this marriage and your mum is no different.You got to choose between me and your family.I dont care and wont live with you if u think they are more important than me". I tried to make her understand that its not easy and they dont trouble you so do understand and compromise.She gives me an example of her friend who doesnt visit his family but visits his wife's family and looks and cares for her family. I really dont understand what kind of example is this.I love her but she is putting conditions on me accusing me of not loving her unconditionally. I proposed marriage counselling but she has an opinion that they dont work miracles. It can be solved just two ways
1) i never ask her to speak to my folks which is rather difficuilt
2) she picks up the phone and says a few good words ( which is difficuilt) and let by gones be bygones.
apart from this i do everything for her and she does . I cook clean up etc etc and she also does it for me.She just wants me and no one else !!!
I am confused , makes me ask this question is it worth saving this marriage???
give me your opinions , maybe i am thinking one way ie my way. want to know other perspectives.
regards
1. Your relationship with your wife should be your top priority, ideally.
2. If your parents have done nothing to provoke this hostility, I would question your wife's maturity or mental stability. It could be reason enough to bail. She is liable to become even more controlling, jealous, and insecure, if that is her nature now.
3. If your parents have contributed to the situation (in your opinion), you must try to mend fences, if possible, by getting one or the other to bend, or respect your wife's determination to have nothing more to do with them, maintaining your own relationship with them on the side. Maintaining a relationship with her parents, however awkward, is the right thing to do in either case, if for no other reason than it is what you are asking of her.
4. If she insists that you break with your parents as well, you must ask yourself again whether #2 or #3 is the case; if it is #2, call it quits. If it is #3, you really must choose between your parents and your wife, and that is a function of how great a commitment you feel to your wife, as well as your parents. Brinksmanship is a dangerous game. She says if you love me, you will give up the things I hate; you reply, if you love me, you wouldn't ask me to give up the things I love. No winners possible.
Good luck.
Re: help !!
neckdeep wrote:On new years day she told me point blank in her own words --- "I always thought i would leave if there is the 'other woman' in this marriage and your mum is no different.You got to choose between me and your family.I dont care and wont live with you if u think they are more important than me".
This is the statement of a deeply selfish person or one with a personality disorder. I think you need to convince her to seek counseling to determine what is the real problem and then you have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with it.
I see no reason for you to avoid your parents. To demand you do that is ridiculously controlling. If she wants to avoid them, that is her business.
thanks everyone for the comments posted . Though its none of my business to force her to speak to my folks she has to understand that I would not call her parents or for that matter any of her relatives if she doesnt do the same.She forces me to do it and threatens suicide etc etc.Oflate i have realised that there is some kind of personality disorder she has but i never had a clue.Her parents had caused me and my family tremendous problems but inspite of them I have let it go and made peace and carried on.My parents are naturally upset with hers and hence these issues.
On my part I have kept quiet long enough inspite of her being abusive towards me and my parents which she has recently started to apologise.It was my birthday recently and just cos i got a call from my dad wishing me she didnt speak to me for 30 mins saying she was upset.A pshyciatrist friend of mine has adviced me to have patience saying this behaviour will definetly get better, and i hope so it does. Anyway I think I have wasted a lot of energy in thinking and trying to make this better .Personally I used to be liked by one and all ,used to be witty but now a days I have lost it.
Maybe i will be happier elsewhere but at the same time I am so confused cos she used to be such a lovely girl, calm understanding and mature in her thinking .Now a days its just arguments and hurtful things !! Eeven if i would leave her I wont say a word , I sincerely hope she will realise on her own.
Goddamn this is getting to be a habit, but I agree with Phoenix...
Buddy, I don't think your wife will get better. How long did you know her, date, live together before getting married? Did you not notice ANY of these behaviours prior to marriage??
Do not forsake your friends and family for a relationship that sounds so lop-sided and unbalanced... especially if they have done nothing wrong. The only time you would be justified in dumping your friends or family would be if they DID act inappropriately - and even then, dumping them would be a pretty severe reaction
I think your wife needs psychiatric help or psychological counselling...
I basically agree with all the above.
How old are you both and how long have you known each other?
Marriage counselling DOES NOT work miracles, but it might be a first step for the both of you!
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