My wife's old boyfriend

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I've been married to my wife for 12 years. I am 39 years old and she is 36. We have two wonderful kids.

Eight months ago, my wife started emailing her high school boyfriend. The boyfriend found out that my wife's dad died, and emailed her to pass on his condolences. They emailed for a short while. After a few emails, I told her that I didn't think that that was such a good idea. She said that she needed to catch up on old times and that it was just a friendship. The emails stopped for a while and then resumed a few months ago. I told her that this has to stop for the good of our relationship. She asked if she could go out once with her old boyfriend and his sister in order to break it off. I thought that this is what she needed, and agreed. A little later, I found some deleted emails that showed me that she loved him and he loved her. This really hurt. I was totally devastated.

We talked, and she said that two years ago, she had decided that she would no longer expect me to provide the fun and excitement in her life. She would go out on her own. I realize that I had not been the best husband that I could have been. We should have gone on more dates, and I should have paid more attention to her. But I told her that I've always loved her, and she says that she's always loved me. This thing with her old boyfriend is filling a need for her that she doesn't get with me. She's said that it's not a romantic relationship, just a friend that she loves like a brother.

We agreed to be loving friends and I have told her that I will spend more time with her. I've always maintained that she needs to break it off with her boyfriend. She couldn't bear the thought of that, so I told her that initially it might be best to contact only once a year. She said that she would try, because she sees how much it hurts me. Recently, she has not been doing very well. Short tempered with the kids and crying from time to time. She said that her dad dying still bothers her, she has a strained relationship with her mom and one of her sisters, and it's all just too much. She asked if I could just give her some time to work things out with the boyfriend. She basically said that she had to do it, and was going to do it anyway.

After some time, I agreed to let her work things out. She still feels that she can be in love with me and just friends with him. She says that she wants to find a way.

Was this the right thing to do, or should I have stuck to my guns and told her that I don't want her to have any contact with him? Even if that makes her miserable.

Thanks in advance.

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I think yours is the better way. I had a somewhat similar problem in my marriage, but I feel that by trying to stick by it, I feel OK about myself, and did my best. You have to look inside your own conscience. Lots of people told me I should kick him out and change the locks, but that I didn't feel was the way of the progress of the soul - not that I'm religious, it's a metaphor!

My husband is dead now but my conscience is clear and I have a good life. No regrets.

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While I think it's totally ok for either spouse to contact and keep in touch with old flames, I think it inappropriate in this instance.

Keeping in contact with someone who you still have feelings for will only allow those feelings to grow.

She should just tell him good bye or tell you good bye. She can't have both.

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Did it work out between you and your husband?

I hope that giving her some time to figure things out is the way to go. The danger is that instead of figuring out how to be friends and contact only once a year, they will want to contact all the time. Their friendship, which I believe is actually more than just a friendship, will grow stronger as I give her the freedom to figure things out.

On the other hand, part of me thinks that if I give her time to figure things out with him and act happy, go on dates etc.., she will see what kind of a connection we can really have and no longer need him to fill what was missing.

It's almost like this will either be the worst thing for us or the best thing.

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Bella Dea wrote:

While I think it's totally ok for either spouse to contact and keep in touch with old flames, I think it inappropriate in this instance.

Keeping in contact with someone who you still have feelings for will only allow those feelings to grow.

She should just tell him good bye or tell you good bye. She can't have both.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) both of us are too committed to our kids to break things off. We've both recently said to each other that divorce is not the answer. I feel trapped. She knows that I won't divorce because of the kids. But I've told her before that someone is going to be hurt in this triangle. She has to choose between me or him. She says that if I give her time, she knows that she can figure out a way to be only friends with him. The difficult part is that I don't know if I can live with the idea that she gets most of her needs met by me, but still has a soft spot for him that she cannot give up. It seems like she is keeping him in her back pocket to give her the excitement of a new relationship.

Like I said, I feel trapped. The only other way I can think of is to tell her that we will be living in the same house for the sake of the kids, but there will be no sex or dates. Roomates only. Would that make her see what she is missing? What a mess.

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Staying with someone "for the sake of the kids" when you don't want to be together is often more damaging than divorce. Kids know when something isn't right and is this kind of marriage and life the one you want to teach your kids?

If you aren't in love anymore, your kids know it. Don't think they don't.

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frankvf1 wrote:

Did it work out between you and your husband?

I hope that giving her some time to figure things out is the way to go. The danger is that instead of figuring out how to be friends and contact only once a year, they will want to contact all the time. Their friendship, which I believe is actually more than just a friendship, will grow stronger as I give her the freedom to figure things out.

On the other hand, part of me thinks that if I give her time to figure things out with him and act happy, go on dates etc.., she will see what kind of a connection we can really have and no longer need him to fill what was missing.

It's almost like this will either be the worst thing for us or the best thing.

I think you are a bigger person for giving freedom and not trying to control. My husband's girlfriend asked why I had 'allowed' him to go away with her (it was a full on affair) - and I said I was not on this earth to control people like that. It kind of worked out, lohng story - but we retained respect for each other's freedom, integrity and ability to make choices.

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It does sound like she's trying to have her cake and eat it too, here. If it was the boyfriend she had the brother-like relationship with while the two of you maintained a romantic relationship, I'd say it was fine and that it would be dangerous for you to try to stop her from having contact with him. I wouldn't take it well if my husband told me I couldn't have any contact with former boyfriends.

But I don't have any romantic issues with any former boyfriends, and that's another kettle of fish. I didn't quite get this part:

Quote:

This thing with her old boyfriend is filling a need for her that she doesn't get with me. She's said that it's not a romantic relationship, just a friend that she loves like a brother.

Quote:

She asked if I could just give her some time to work things out with the boyfriend. She basically said that she had to do it, and was going to do it anyway.

See him and have a physical relationship with him? Figure out where they were going? See him in person to tell him she would stop having contact with him?

Sorry if I'm being obtuse.

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Quote:

This thing with her old boyfriend is filling a need for her that she doesn't get with me. She's said that it's not a romantic relationship, just a friend that she loves like a brother.

Does the bolded "it's" refer to the relationship with the old boyfriend, or the relationship with you?

Later comments make it seem like you mean the latter, but just want to be sure.

Also, what does "work things out" mean, here?:

Sorry if I'm being obtuse.[/quote]

Your questions hit to the heart of the matter. She wants to have a romantic relationship with me, but says that she hasn't felt that way in a couple of years. The brother relationship is with the boyfriend. During their meeting where they were supposed to part ways, they held hands while they talked, hugged and cried. There was no other physical contact. He knows that she still loves me and that she would never leave the kids. She loves me but is not in love with me, if you know what I mean. We both feel that our marriage can be saved, but she is not sure how to stay married to me and leave her boyfriend.

I feel that she has crossed the line by telling him that she loves him. The fact that she can't see a life without him in the picture also really concerns me. I feel that both of them went too far (he's married too, but wants to divorce). I don't see how she could cross the line of saying "I love you" to him and then maintain just a platonic friendship with him. Eventually, I feel that her romantic feelings for him will come out stronger. She denies that she has romantic feelings for him. I really wonder though, because at one point I told her that she should only call him at Christmas. I intercepted an email in which she said to him: "I will call you before Christmas, $%#$%" the rules".

My hope is that by giving her space, and being as happy as I can be, that she will become "in love" with me once again. She wants the space so that she can talk with her boyfriend without me asking questions which lead her to feel guilty. She has said that she wants to find out if her and her boyfriend can just be friends.

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Ok, thanks for clarifying.

That makes it much harder for me to advise. Especially, there's a bunch of second-guessing that makes it tough. Does she actually love him just like a brother, someone she's known forever and who is very special to her? If so -- if that's all it is -- then by all means I think you shouldn't lay down the law.

But you seem to be worried that it's more than that, and I can see why you might be concerned, especially this business of her friend (NOT currently her boyfriend, remember -- I think your terminology is part of the confusion) getting a divorce. Why now? How does that fit into everything?

Have you considered counseling? As much as I want to help in these situations, I nearly always run into the brick wall of not enough info.

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But you seem to be worried that it's more than that, and I can see why you might be concerned, especially this business of her friend (NOT currently her boyfriend, remember -- I think your terminology is part of the confusion) getting a divorce. Why now? How does that fit into everything?

Have you considered counseling? As much as I want to help in these situations, I nearly always run into the brick wall of not enough info.[/quote]

No, your help is good. It helps me to clarify my thoughts.
Yes, we have considered counselling but right now she feels like the counsellor will tell her that she must give up her boyfriend. She has said that she can't do that, so counselling would be a waste of money. Perhaps later on, if things don't improve.

As for the ex-boyfriend's Smile

divorce, that relationship has been on the rocks for many years. They have been staying together for the sake of the kids, but now that he has found out that there are women like my wife out there that are interested in him, it has given him new found courage. My wife has said that she hopes that he finds someone who loves him, even though it can't be her right now. She says that she would be happy for him, but sad for herself because he wouldn't call her very much anymore. I think that she may leave me, for him after the kids move out (10 years). She says that she hopes that this is not the case, but it is not out of the realm of possiblity.

I'm still working on figuring out if I made the right decision to give her space to talk to him. I know that she wants someone who is strong and confident. I used to be that, but now I've taken a major blow to the heart and it is difficult to pretend to be happy when I know that she can't wait to talk to him sometimes. My goal right now is to be as strong and confident as I was when we first met. I've already shared my deepest fears and shown her that I am sorry for my part in this whole thing. We have both been through a lot of grief. I carry the burden of regret and she carries the burden of guilt. She says that sometimes she feels that she should be happy in our relationship. She feels like a spoiled baby. But her feelings are the way they are and she can't deny them. Just like I can't deny mine.

What do you think? Thanks.

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I had a similar problem in my marraige. Except, it was an old girlfriend. I allowed the relationship to bloom little realizing my wife was a closeted lesbian. I came home one day and, well, you know the rest. The three of us had a good time.

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Oy...

frankvf1, I think you're well within your rights to insist on counseling. You can have her choose the counselor, or whatever, but there are obviously problems and you can't be faulted for wanting to solve them.

For what it's worth, I've done semi-amateur counseling (I am not trained in the field but had a job that included a lot of informal counseling), and you've seen that I'm sympathetic to the idea of her maintaining contact with someone she's close to, platonically. A good counselor can help figure out a way to go forward that you both are comfortable with.

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Quote:

No, your help is good. It helps me to clarify my thoughts.
Yes, we have considered counselling but right now she feels like the counsellor will tell her that she must give up her boyfriend. She has said that she can't do that, so counselling would be a waste of money. Perhaps later on, if things don't improve.

Counsellors don't give orders. They rarely offer direct advice. They act as sounding boards and mirrors to help their clients see more clearly and act upon the insight.

Your wife doesn't want to see a councellor because she doesn't want to change. This does not bode well for a growing, flourishing marriage.

Once again I notice that one partner is full of her needs. Is she giving any attention to your needs?

As for you trying to impose rules on her relationship with this romantic figure from the past...stop it. "You may correspond once a year"--you aren't a father or a headmaster, you are a tormented lover and exasperated husband. You can't impose rules and expect them to be obeyed without resentment.

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It looks like I will give her the freedom that she needs to work things out with her ex-boyfriend, and take it from there. If at some point we need counselling then so be it. I'll cross that bridge when we get there.

In the meantime, I'll do my part to spend as much time with her as I can, and try to enjoy our company as good friends. This will take some time, but we are both willing to give it a shot. Hopefully the relationship gets stronger from here on.

Thanks everyone for your good advice. I appreciated it.

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My wife's old boyfriend

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