How to break a heart and not feel guilty

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I never thought I would be on a forum asking a relationship question.

I have been married for quite a few years now and I do not want to be married anymore. There is no one else involved. I just do not love the person like I used to. I have brought the subject up on more than one occasion and he does not want to hear it or talk about it. I know it would break his heart (I truly believe that based on the past). I really do not know what to do. I love him, it is just that I am not in love with him anymore. I find myself wanting to be by myself.

Even though I am married I am asked out on dates quite often. This is not tempting to me. The compliments are flattering, but I would not leave a marriage for another guy. Any advise? (no marriage counselor, tried that and he will not go). I am at a complete loss.

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I'm sorry to hear about this situation that is tearing at your heart. There is not much I can say to advise you as I have not been in your situation before. As a matter of fact I have been on the receiving end. Even though there was someone else involved I know deep down it had to hurt him knowing how badly his choice hurt me.
Just know that you need to do what is best for both of you regardless of the pain it will cause. I say this because there is no way to prevent the hurt. It sounds like you have tried other avenues by counselling. Even though he wouldn't go did you try to go by yourself? I'd suggest this, it may help a great deal. A counseller can help with that guilt issue and possibly how to make this break easier.
My ex and I were separated for 2 years befor the divorce was final. It was two years of pure hell. My advice to anyone getting a divorce is get it done quickly. The sooner it is over the sooner everyone can start to move on. Now that the divorce has been final for over a year, I know that it's best to not be with someone who cannot fully love me the way I deserve to be loved. Now I'm free to find that and to find myself!
Good luck.

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Tryknot--

Welcome to A2K.

Do you plan to start divorce proceedings or to start dating and see whether you can develop replacement for your present spouse?

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Are there any children in the picture?

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Okay ... you don't want to be married, and he doesn't want to be married ... so what's the issue? What do you think a marriage counselor would do for you? Why don't you try to reach an equitable agreement with him on division of your assets, and shop around for a lawyer that can draw up the paperwork at a price you can afford?

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Well, a lot of questions at once.
martybarker, thanks for the well wishes. I really appreciate that.

Noddy24, thanks for welcoming me here. In answer to your question about replacement. I am not looking for a replacement. If I wanted that I could just cheat. If you are talking about divorcing and dating right away, I don't know. I haven't thought about that yet.

JPB, no children involved

Ticomaya,
I don't like to just give up. The marriage counselor I went to see said he thought I should just leave. Division of assets is not a problem and no attorney is needed. The issue is a bit more complicated. My spouse does not want me, but he does not want anyone else to have me either. The thought does frighten me a little and normally I don't scare so easy. In the past I wouldn't care, but things have happened in this area where there have been similar situations and the threats were carried out. Most people were shocked when it hit the news, I wasn't. When I saw what was most likely to happen I tried to do something, but it was already too late. Then before I knew it I was powerless literally. Authority was used against me. I cannot say too much right now for fear of being found out. Certain people think that those in position of authority will not, could not and won't use it for the wrong reasons. I know for a fact these authority figures do. They know I know and so I am watched. In fact it has been made sure that documents have been created and fabricated so tracks are covered and no door is left unlocked. I can be pretty resourceful and try to find an unlocked door. No one is perfect, I am sure it is there, I am still looking even though I haven't found it yet.

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Well, good luck.

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Yeah, that seems to get into territory that we couldn't possibly advise you on. (I mean, are you implying that your life is in danger if you leave him?)

To just answer the straightforward part of your question, breaking someone's heart involves guilt, as it well should. It's unfortunate if it just happened and wasn't anyone's fault, but the guilt seems like the price to pay, if it's really worth breaking someone's heart to leave.

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Re: How to break a heart and not feel guilty
Excuse me, but I'm confused. In your first post you indicate your love for him has changed and you want to leave to be on your own, and that he won't listen to you... in your last post you say that he doesn't want you and doesn't want you to leave and is somehow threatening you.

Which is it? If you can't or won't leave because you're afraid, there's nothing anyone here can do.

I don't think it's advice you need - more like a couple of bruisers.

I'm not being flip but I really can't see what anyone here can do for you. You're between a rock and a hard place. If you stay, you're unhappy. If you leave, who knows?

Is this a correct summary?

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and your assertion that your leaving will truly break his heart does not jive with the threats.

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Mame, I don't know what a bruiser is. Threats are implied and maybe it is to make me feel guilty. I do not know. I know deep down he is still good or maybe I am just naive.

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Hi.

A bruiser is a person who can provide physical protection. A goon, a tough guy, that sort of thing.

I don't understand what your situation is. Are you saying you are in an abusive situation (or potentially)?
That you are afraid to leave?

If I go by your first post the impression is quite different.
To tell you the truth, I don't quite get where the guilt comes in. To me, the guilt would come with knowingly staying with a man who you know you no longer want to be with. Hence, depriving him of a chance to actually be withh someone who wants to be with him.
Otherwise, it is straightforward having to be a big girl and deal with discomfort of having someone you care about not like you for a while.

I suppose one might feel guilty if they feel they have made some errors or not done all they could within the relationship?

Not sure without more info. But, well wishes.

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A bruiser is someone you'd employ to put the fear of God in any and all who might be considering harming you. Think body guard.

If your gut instinct tells you that you may be in danger if you leave; listen to it. Take every precaution to maintain your safety because although most threats are nothing more than threats, that doesn't mean it couldn't happen to you.

A while back, I wrote about a girl I knew named Sonata... let me just grab what I wrote and paste it here.

OCCOM BILL wrote:

I remember meeting another girl once named Sonata when I first moved to Florida. She was a pretty girl who smiled constantly, the kind of girl you like before you even meet. I can't remember which country she and her husband came from. He was not an abuser as far as my friends and I knew, just a very controlling prick who liked to be in charge of everything. I'm guessing they were married for a long time because her accent was barely noticeable and they had come over together. Finally, she got tired of being subservient and told him she wanted to get a divorce. It was then she got the first beating the idea was to beat into her the knowledge that if he couldn't have her no one could. Serious love, right? Shocked, she didn't know what to do. With the help of some friends at the restaurant she worked at, I remember that she had moved out in secret and avoided him as much as possible. He constantly called and fussed and once he even hid in the back of her car because she was refusing to see him.

The witnesses at the sidewalk restaurant heard her screaming for help from the car at stoplight in front of the place, but didn't know what to do. Finally, she tore herself from his grasp and with her shirt torn half off her body ran for the restaurant screaming "help me" "help me" but he was much faster and caught her by the hair, just as she reached the sidewalk. He put not one, but two bullets in her head before putting one in his own. I think she was 27 years old.

If you've decided you want to leave; breaking hearts should be a secondary concern. You'll have more than enough on your own plate to worry about. Be honest and take all necessary precautions to assure you put yourself in a reasonably safe place to start over. Preparation is your best friend.

Best of luck, and welcome to A2K!

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I would suggest that you give some thought to the distinction you made between "loving" someone and being "in love" with someone. The first sounds to me like a mature feeling; the second sounds rather immature.

May I ask your age?

JLGeezer

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I don't mind you asking my age. I am in my 40's. I love him as a person because I know deep down inside there is good. I am not "in love" with him because I can't be myself. He is very controlling mentally. He is also in a position of power. I know I have to make my own decision and no one has the answer but me. He has never hit me, for that I would hit back. I am just not the kind of person to play mental games.

Occum Bill that is very similar to what happened here where I live.

I appreciate everyone's input. Sometimes it is hard to stay objective when you are in the situation. I try to put myself in my shoes and be an outsider and give myself advise. Easier said than done. I do know the answer and that is to leave, what I can't figure out is why I don't. It could be that I hoped things would change. It doesn't appear likely to happen. So, soon I will leave. I have to if I want happiness and that is what I want.

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Tryknot--

If the marriage is dying and only one partner is interested in making changes, then the funeral of the marriage is essentially by agreement.

The non-flexible, non-growing partner has no right to insist that the status quo must be maintained.

Does your husband realize the extent of your unhappiness? Joint marriage counselling would be best, but if he won't go with you, go alone.
Don't allow his potential reactions to restrict your life.

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tryknot wrote:

I don't mind you asking my age. I am in my 40's. I love him as a person because I know deep down inside there is good. I am not "in love" with him because I can't be myself. He is very controlling mentally. He is also in a position of power.

So, why did you marry him in the first place?

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Tryknot, I think a major reason we cannot advise ourselves is that objective insights usually instruct us to do things that have downsides which we do not want to endure. An outsider does not have to endure such downsides and so it's relatively easy for him or her to be "objective" regarding YOUR problem.

Frankly, I do not think divorce is so terrible, especially if there are no children. Indeed, some divorces are made in heaven.
My wife and I divorced each other (after 11 years) in our late twenties and remarried 23 years later. Been enjoying each other for the last 16 years.

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How to break a heart and not feel guilty

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