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Fri 22 Dec, 2006 12:19 pm
my husband and i have ben married for 2 years and 4 months. we havehad some prblems but managed to get through them, or so i thought. a few days ago he told me he's not happy. he says he loves me and can't leave me beacuse he doesn't want to hurt me. we had talked aobut some things just a couple months before. he thought that te problems were basically wiht me and i needed to hange. i did and he tlls me so and that i've been great, but he realizes that he was just trying to blame me for our problems when there is no one to blame
the next day he says that he is going to leave. as soon as he has the money to get his own place he's goingto go. but unitl then we are still together. he says that ther isn't anyone else. he loes me but isn't in love with me. he misses his freedom and doesn't want to be tied down this yung. he says we got married to young and it as a mistake. he doesn't want us to really tell anone until he is leaving, but i can't just pretend everything is fine. he says that there isn't anything we can do to stop this. he's not happy and thinks that if we weren't together he may be ahpier in time. he assures me that he'll always be here for me and our 2 daughters. i want him to be happy, but i don't want him to leave.
he says that he knows i'm not happy either and that maybe he shouldn't treat me the way he does. it's not like he hits me or anything like that, and we don't scream at each other. i want this to work. i don't want to be 24 and have a fialed marraige. he says that he'll start saving but there is a small possibility that his feelings will change and that he will stay. but he doesn't think that will happen.
i want him to be happy and i don't know what to do. i love him, i'm in love with him. i want him to stay but not if it means he won't be ahppy. i don't know what to do. it's so hard not to think about it. and when i do i cry and one of those times he huggesd me and tried to comfort me but the rest of the time he tells me to stop crying and to not be upset. how can i not though? there has to be a way to fix this. i need him.
our sex life is much better than it used to be. communication isn't the greatest but it's better. financially we are struggling but he's at a job interview right now so hopefully that will work out. i'm on maternity leave so we arent getting too much money
i just fell so empty and alone and unloved. please i need advice. and i really hope that it's not advice saying that thre's nothing i can do and tht sort. i want to make him happy! i can't be without him, i just can't. i know myself and know that if he leaves i'll fall apart and wouldn't be able to be myself. i would get depressed and not be able to take care of my kids the way i should. sure i'm not as happy as i hoped i'd be, but i'm happier now than i would be if he left. he thinks it would be better in the long run. well maybe for him it would be, but if he leaves me, then i'll never get over it. i'd be miserable and worse off.
please give me some advice on how i may be able to fix this
Fallsapart--
Welcome to A2K. I'm sorry for your troubles.
Let me be sure I have the facts straight. Two years and four months after the wedding (with two kids and a third on the way) your husband has decided that he misses the single life and intends to move out as soon as he has the money saved to do so.
Meanwhile, he doesn't want you to tell anyone that the marriage is on the rocks. I assume that "anyone" includes both your family and his family.
He thinks the trouble is your fault...or perhaps he was too young to get married...or perhaps the mess belongs to Mr. Nobody.
This guy is not going to win any Blue Ribbons for Logical Thinking and Accepting Responsibility and Keeping Marriage Vows.
Is he willing to consider counselling?
One person alone can't save a marriage.
I appreciate your horror of being 24 years old with three kids and a failed marriage. Single life wouldn't be easy. On the other hand, living with Peter Pan isn't all that wonderful.
Where do the children fit into his dream of needing to be a bachelor again?
It may be that he just needs some time to think about his actions. If you hold him back from leaving he may resent you for it for the rest of his life. My ex and I went to a counseler and she told us that if he didn't move out then our marriage was destined to fail. Well it failed anyway but for different reasons then the issues you are describing. Sounds like the two of you need some professional counselling. Sounds like he is having issues with his committment to you that he needs to figure out. This is a very difficult situation to be in and I hope you stay strong in whatever happens. From my own experience and from what you have described this is not something that you should even think about blaming yourself for. Be strong and write back if this helps you. I am not all wise but am here to listen and offer words.
Take care!
update
btw i only have the 2 kids, no third on way
so he had spent the night at his friend's last night (just cuz he had no way back, and a guy friend btw) but he and i had gone to the movies earlier in the day because i had really wanted us to do something together. i got all dressed up and he told me when we got home that i had looked beautiful. i normally don't get really dressed up, mainly cuz he and i don't go ut much unless it's to the store.
anyway. later on his friend called wanting to hang out so he went over there. then when e got bck earlier today he told me had done a lot of thinking and that he's not leaving. i cried soo much and asked if he was sure, cuz he would say he was going then say he was staying and i waned to be sure. i also commented on how he had said he's not in love with me anymore and he said that he was. HE brought up the concelling part. i had always thought that i would bring it up and he would turn it down. but he suggested it. i said of course, i didn't care, i just was glad he was staying.
so now i'm on my toes though. i don't want him to say he thinks he should leave again. it takes too much out of me. we'll probably have to wait til after the holidays for conselling, but i do think it's a good idea. i just hope that it's not recommended that he leave or anything. i've had conselling twice before but both times it was before i met him and it was nothing to do with relationships and such, not really. and both times they thought i didn't need to continue coming. and they were maybe 3 years apart.
if anyone has advice on how i should continue to deal with this please let me know
This is hard to read because of all the IM type language.
Will try again when I'm more awake.
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