oristarA
 
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 10:06 am
(Please check out the grammar and rhetoric of the paragraph below)

Regarding the question of my graduation, my teacher has plainly told me that is allowed to transfer my studentship/collegian membership from the local college to the place I work. Therefore, my graduation thesis and the competitive examination can be finished at the place I work.

(Please improve the paragraph with your good writing skill. Thanks)
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Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 1,868 • Replies: 9
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cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 10:40 am
My teacher told me that my student/college membership may be transferred to the place I work, and that my graduation thesis and competitive examination can be finished at work. c.i.
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Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 10:50 am
I like ci's re-work of your paragraph.

I've made three minor adjustments to ci's suggestion:

My teacher told me that my student/college membership may be transferred to the place where I work -- and that my graduation thesis and competitive examination can be finished there.
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roger
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 01:04 pm
Re: Is the paragraph clear?
oristarA wrote:
(Please check out the grammar and rhetoric of the paragraph below)

Regarding the question of my graduation, my teacher has plainly told me that is allowed to transfer my studentship/collegian membership from the local college to the place I work. Therefore, my graduation thesis and the competitive examination can be finished at the place I work.

(Please improve the paragraph with your good writing skill. Thanks)


Really not clear what this pertains to.
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Wy
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 03:39 pm
Frankapisa -- I don't mean this as criticism -- why do you prefer the dash to a comma? thanks.
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Roberta
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 06:17 pm
cicerone imposter wrote:
My teacher told me that my student/college membership may be transferred to the place I work, and that my graduation thesis and competitive examination can be finished at work. c.i.


The comma after "work" is incorrect. My teacher told me that this and that that. Both clauses are subordinate to My teacher told me and shouldn't be separated by a comma. The dash isn't wrong, but it isn't necessary.

I would also change "can be finished at work" to "may be finished at work."
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cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 06:24 pm
Roberta, Thanks for catching my error. Always had problems with subordinate clauses. c.i.
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Roberta
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2003 10:33 pm
c.i. I'm incorrigible. Can't help myself. Over thirty years of finding and fixing mistakes.
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Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 21 Jun, 2003 07:18 am
Wy wrote:
Frankapisa -- I don't mean this as criticism -- why do you prefer the dash to a comma? thanks.


I'll defer to Roberta's comments about the comma -- which initially I removed as incorrect. But when I read the paragraph without the comma (and without the dash) -- it appeared to be run-on, so I added a dash.

(I love -- and admittedly overuse -- the dash!)

I also like Roberta's suggestion to change "can" to "may." I missed that.
0 Replies
 
Roberta
 
  1  
Reply Sat 21 Jun, 2003 08:00 am
Frank, Without the comma and dash the sentence is long, but it's not a run-on. If Oristar wants to break up the sentence with a dash, it would be fine.

I'm easy. Well, not exactly. Okay, I'm not. I'm picky, picky, picky.
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