Major dilemma in my life... need advice... please help :(

Hello.

I'm in the middle of a very complicated dilemma that's happening in my life at the moment. I'm a 41 year old married female (been married for 19 years) with 3 children (two of which are under 10).

I'm currently facing extreme depression. My life is leading it's way down a spiral of self-destruction, and i feel that it won't be long untill it hits rock bottom. I'm indulging myself in things i'd never done before, like drinking & eating excessively per day, smoking, abandoning my residence, using narcotics, etc. I even used to be an ardent health freak, and would wake up each morning for the gym... but now, i can't even find the motivation to partake in a single workout. I've basically lost interest in things i used to fancy. I'm also a very emotional woman who often has trouble controlling her emotions, and have recently been contemplating suicide. I just don't know what to do anymore. Let me explain my dilemma:

My husband and i have never really had a passionate relationship - it's always been insolent & distant. We first met at 17, although i moved in with him at 18 in escape from an abusive father. At the time, my husband would literally do everything for me (something i regret). He used to cook, clean, act as a chaffeur and even pay my bills. We went on and had 3 kids - one of 17, another of 9 & the other of 6 - over our marriage spans, albeit, it seemed as if our relationship dimished per child that we had. Part of the reason was because of his passiveness & lack of strictness towards our childrens' misbehavior - he hardly put discipline & would let them get away with murder. This would literally bring out the worst in me, and made me yell & scowl at him with every chance that i got. It got to the point where i thought about divorcing, but objected those thoughts after figuring that i probably wouldn't have been able to survive on my own (he always did everything & made me feel secure).

Our relationship grew worse overtime, and he was finally showing his true colors; colors that were quite blurry to me when i was younger. I'll admit that i was very naive and completely oblivious to many of the negative features that my husband possessed. With age however, came wisdom, and i've now fully realized how big a role my naivity has played with the bad decisions i've made in life.

My husband is a manipulative liar who uses people for his benefit. He hasn't but one bill under his name - he puts them all under his relatives' names to avoid longterm financial conflict. He owes money to a trillion collection agencies and is constantly late in paying our house rent (we've almost lost it twice). He's the epitome of a close-minded dunce who lacks the intelligence capacity to reason logically. He's extremely bitter, and will fight with anyone, anywhere, anytime - even if he's dead wrong at point. He puts emotion in front of reason, and likes injecting fear into people (especially into me). He's recently been calling my mother and leaving threatening messages on her answering machine; messages aimed at "destroying" her with "witchcraft." And when she doesn't pick it up, he mocks her and goes on about how she's scared to talk to him. He drinks & drives at night, and once actually crashed while intoxicated. He woke up the next morning and couldn't remember what he'd crashed into. He was paranoid because he thought he'd hit an animal or human and left them for dead. He fails to learn from mistakes, and has since began drinking and driving again.

I've had enough, and want to pursue happiness. I don't have any feelings for my husband anymore. We've basically been living together because of a stupid marriage document saying that we have to do so... and because of our kids. Other than that, there is no relationship. There hasn't been in years, and i've been very depressed and unhappy since. I try as much to avoid him when in the house, and when we do come in contact, we start to argue heatedly. It's literally gotten to the point where he doesn't allow me to eat the food he cooks anymore. We've neither slept in the same bed nor have had sex in years. And all the while, our children are living in this disgustingly unhealthy environment, absorbing all the negative energy & elements within the. I ardently cry & beg him for change each day; for a divorce, separation, anything that would take us away from ourselves - but he won't comply or agree. He wants me to simply "leave the house," however, i've been told by several that i could lose my children & marital assets if i did so. He's a coward - fueled by fear - who'd rather continue fighting each day in front of his children and leading his wife closer to suicide than doing the logical thing and separating/divorcing. I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm leaving every other day as a result of my depression, going to my mother's house, drinking /smoking excessively - anything to avoid him, and now he's hinted hiring a private investigator who's supposedly taking pictures/video of me when i do leave, boasting about how he'd use this as evidence to prove that i don't "provide" for my children. And he's doing all this with hopes of attaining custody over our children in court somehow. I could tell you that my children are my first priority, and that i probably do more for them in a few days than he's ever done in a month. I prepare them for school, feed them breakfast & lunch, help them w/ hw, etc. Infact, the only reason i do leave is to avoid the daily, heated arguments that succomb between us, and the unhappiness that comes in knowing that the source of my depression is just a few yards away from me, living & breathing in the same house.

Yet, no matter how many times i cry in front of him, or beg for change, he remains completely unemotioned & unmoved. Instead of helping a vulnerable, depressed human being who's killing herself each day with cigarettes & alcohol, he threatens & injects fear into her of future instability. It's as if he doesn't realize how depressed i truely am, or how much collateral dammage we're actually doing by living together. And no matter how hard you try reasoning with him, he'll revert back to his infamous one-liner: "you have to leave." Ergo, I want change; a divorce, separation, something, anything... but he doesn't. Instead, he wants me to leave the house, and that is something i disagree with (and with good reason). As a result of these differences, we're constantly going back to square one, and the vicious cycles of destruction continue. He's completely closed to any negotiations.

With that being said, i sincerely ask: what can i do to help myself in this situation? How can i remove myself from this complicated dilemma; this cancer that grows per day? I want to pursue happiness, i don't want to continue living in misery. Should i take the children to my mother's house, and when/if he calls the police, explain to them my situation? Should i just leave? What can i do?

Sorry for the long message.

Thank you