Hard relationship

Welcome to A2K! Sorry to see such a conflicted post for your first one....

This is a touchy subject. 7 years together, especially starting so young, is quite a history. However, from what you have stated, in terms of her changes towards you, you may have to consider that she may have found someone else in your absence. Perhaps she is just trying to break it to you gently, in a way she feels you will understand. I would not confront her about it. I would suggest moving on, and enjoying the full life that is ahead of you. As they say, "if you love somebody, set them free."

How did you maintain the relationship while you were away? Did you call regularly, send gifts,.....?

This is another shot in the dark, but - 7 years, now she ignores you, said she doesn't want to be married to you, treats you with disregard...I'm betting she's been cheating on you, and not just a little.

She does NOT love you a lot. People who love you a lot do not treat you badly. This relationship has ended, you just haven't accepted it yet.

You and your girlfriend have both changed a lot in seven years and I'd guess that much of this change has happened during the last 12 months when you've been geographically separated.

Your former girlfriend has made it very clear that she doesn't want to marry a man with a disapproving mother. I'll bet that she also wants to be married in the near future and not wait for you to finish your education abroad. Sugar may well be right in feeling that she has been test-driving suitable bridegrooms while you've been away.

Your declarations of love under these circumstances seem to me to be a denial of reality. For this summer I suggest that you spend one night every week at a place where you can meet people--men and women. You shouldn't be looking for a new girlfriend--you should be exploring the world without your old girlfriend and finding out what you've missed.

Good luck in this summer of discovery.

Hard Relationship...
Thanks you all for your nice help and advice. Yea i wrote to her at least twice a month, normal mail, no emails. I talked to her at least 4 times for about 30 mins each time every month while I am in uk doing my studies. I did send her goodies for her b'day....
As for cheating on me, i know she has not as i've asked her, not confronted her about it. And i know when she lies or not. i virtually know her like my pocket....and i know she has not been cheating on me.
I will once again stress two things : my mother and her pain at me not being there for her.
These are the two greatest factors making her react like this towards me.....and this time i cant find the right words to make things right. its an irony....i've always been helping othersand sorted out their relationship or personal life problems and issues. Everyone got out happy and what they wanted....funny how this comes to me at such a bad time in my life and i cant find any solution...as the saying goes....medicine cant cure itself.
Am sure there's someone among you who is older and more mature than me, and knows how to tackle this situation i am going through with my gf....am not sure that person has read my post or not, or maybe i have not given enough information.
7 yrs....yes its a long time. seems like a lifetime already. one of the things i've gathered when i was on holls back home, is that one bitch talked crap and influenced her heavily concerning me. Said things like she'd never get to be with me coz my parents, that there's better than me, that am after all just a guy....The reason she managed to influence her that much is that she opened up to her with tears and cries when she missed most last yr in october for her b'day.
And i noticed the change when she was through with my gf coz i call her regularly, every week, and i could notice a change in her tone, the way she talked to me. distant....as if i never existed in her life.
am trying to uncover the person hidden behind that present mask that she's putting on and forcing herself to believe in. Its a difficult task coz she's someone who's so sensitive and fragile inside that she's hiding it as best as she can....
For the moment am keeping a cool head as much as possible to see clearly but am sure and certain my life will implode on myself if i cant make her turn back to the person she's hiding inside. I aint gone out for studies for myself, but for us both so that i could marry her and support the both of us independently. Without her, all my sacrifices are useless...and i'd probably return back to my country and break all ties with my relatives and parents and lead a single life for the yrs to come i have to bear my loss...

Phobotek

If that is the situation, some sensitive but cool-headed talk may be in order. If it was a friend of hers who "turned" her against you, you must walk into the situation knowing that the bond between you and her is stronger. Play it gently, and perhaps it will all work out in the end. If you know for a fact she has not been unfaithful, then she still carries feelings for you. If she is as fragile as you say, you have to be delicate but firm. She probably wants to know that you are not going to run out on her. She will need a lot of reassurance here, probably more than you may even feel neccessary. You are older, but you are both still young. These times will be precarious, but if you tread carefully, I think there may be hope. Good luck.

I'm with everyone who's posted. I think she's found someone else.

Having a disapproving potential mother-in-law is a reason for sadness, perhaps, but it's not a reason for breaking up. People marry without parental approval all the time. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Besides, the girlfriend didn't have this complaint before.

The real difference is your absence, which in many ways has been a huge blessing, although you may not believe this at this time. It's far better to break up (and far easier) than it is to divorce. Your girlfriend has decided that she doesn't want to commit to you. Whether that's due to someone new or her maturing or your maturing or something else is more or less irrelevant. What counts is that she doesn't want a lifetime commitment.

And, by the way, it's not a tragedy that she doesn't. You're 24, for gosh sakes, and she's only 20! Who said you had to make all of your commitments and get your relationship ducks in a row right now? Is there an expiration date stamped on her belly? Are you both looking to catch a train or something?

I married when I was a few months shy of my 30th birthday. This wasn't due to no one loving me or any such nonsense - it was due to me waiting until I (a) found the right guy and (b) found the right time. The time isn't right. The girl might not be, either.

My advice to you is -

* quit pressuring her. Dating is supposed to be fun, and you're both far too young to be talking weddings and whatnot. Take the discussion away from lifetime commitments and back to where you're going to go for dinner or who you're going to see in concert. Make it fun.
* Noddy gives great advice. Get out there and meet people. This isn't a push to find a mate, it's an opportunity to expose yourself to all sorts of people. You may find other women who interest you more. You may find that rather than marriage, you just want companionship (or sex, or someone to talk to, or the pomp and circumstance of a wedding, etc.). There are a lot of experiences out there to be had, and they don't all have to be with this girl.
* Why were you away? You don't talk about this. Was it due to a trip? School? Something else? She has changed but I'll bet dollars to donuts that you have, too. Look inside yourself and see where you've changed. This isn't me telling you to change back. It's just introspection - before you blame the end of the relationship all on her maturation process, look in the mirror. I'll bet you'll find you're not the guy you were in 2001 or 2002.

Best of luck to you.

I missed jespah's post, but it reflects what everyone, including myself, has said. However, I am leaving my second post as I am a romantic, and who knows....you have to play this out as you feel fit. I did post it with some reservations, however.

Hardship Case
I've been away for higher studies. Now i sense am getting everyone nervous...lolz. Do not be please. As for meeting ppl....i meet ppl all the time. I am not the person who's been sedentary in my social life. I know how things are. I dont need sex with someone i dont love. I doubt i'd love anyone else coz i've been around already without getting involved in any way whatsoever.
I shall write to her and try to sort things out. Its the best way i think. I thank you all for your help and support.
I dont know yet exactly what i am going to write in my letter...but the ink will flow am sure and hopefully clear things out...which i doubt.


Phobotek

Good luck!

Thank you sozobe and all those who gave their time and patience to reply to my post.


Kind Regards

Phobotek

Phobotek- You may not think so now, but this may be the best thing that has happened to you. You have been with this woman since she was a young teenager. She has never had the opportunity to see what it is like to be with other guys. She needs the chance to meet and date other people.

One of the big problems that she seems to have is your mother. How is YOUR relationship with your mother? Do you put mom or your girlfriend first? Women do not like men who put their mothers before them. (I know from personal experience, from my first marriage).

Sometimes, if a couple love each other, and mama is a BIG problem, it could mean cutting off ties to her, or at least keeping contact to a minimum. Could you do that? How much influence does your mother have in your life? Could you tell your mother that if she does not treat your girlfriend with respect, that you may have to distance your relationship with her?

I know a story that was similar to yours. When I went to high school, there was a couple that were together from the beginning. They graduated, and broke up, and went to college in different parts of the country. The dated other people. They ran into each other when they had both graduated college, and realized that they were meant for each other. The important thing was that they had had the opportunity to see what it was like to be with other people.

I have always been very leery of these teenage romances where the people have not really dated others, and they marry. Some time down the line, the couple think that they have "missed" something, and that can spell trouble in a marriage.

Sometimes I really wonder if "LOVE" is worth all this pain, anguish and anxiety

Oh, Gautam. Of course it is.

Talk to an old person. Go to a funeral. Read an obituary. At the end of the day, all that matters is whether we've loved and been loved.

I went to war,
my wife stayed home.
When I returned
she was gone.

I took the papers
and signed my name,
and in an instant
was single again.

I was lost
but partied on,
so in a while
the pain was gone.

Then one night,
while feeling free,
a pair of green eyes
slid up to me.

She was the softest
I'd met in my life
and for 20 plus
she's been my wife.

I could have wept
and sat on a stone
but today
i'd still be alone.

On the other hand,
I took the chance
and to this day
I've loved the dance!


Hey, if there was one, there are at least two!

Just a thought--
Your girlfriend is now ~20 yrs old. People mature a lot in their first couple of years out of high school; they get their first taste of independence from Mom & Dad, maybe their first job, etc. Therefore, your girlfriend is probably not quite the same person she was when you left for overseas. She has grown up, become more independent, started to decide what she wants for the rest of her life, . . . maybe the two of you have grown apart. It's unfortunate and painful if she feels that way while you do not, but trying to keep her in a box (limiting her to the 14 - 18 year old you knew) will not be good for either of you.

i am sick

I love this forum! reading these kinds of posts makes me happy! This is GREAT!