Oh, What-ev-er!

I am soo sorry, you are right, not for you, but for your children.

However, just think, if they are a burden to him anyway, they will feel it and be much better off with you!

I was living with a boyfriend and his daughter for six years.
It was me nearly all the time looking after his daughter.
He wanted it all.
He wanted to the great dad, who is taking care of his daughter all on his own (i.e. without the biological mother), but he also wanted to go off and do whatever he felt like, whenever he felt like it.

The fact that I had my own life, university, up to three jobs (since he never had money either and lived on support), and was only between 20 and 26 at the time, never meant anything to him.
Whenever I said no I cannot do it, I was selfish, only thinking of myself.

Even when I finally managed to leave him, I never thought of the poor child.

Funny enough, he nearly drove me to suicide, but I can't HATE him either.

Hope you are feeling better already!

I've seen this a lot....the non custodial (if that's the word) parent distancing themselves.

You're right, it's for the kids.

Do they miss not seeing him when this happens? If they don't, and he's backing off, it might be a natural progression.

When they are older and have big events in their lives, the chickens will come home to roost.

question...when he does this, does it mess up your work schedule or anything?

Sorry, can't remember their ages....they're old enough to take care of themselves while you're at work, right?

You know what Martybarker, things like this piss me off! I bet he would have plenty to say to you if you told him the night before that he couldn't have his kids the next day. Aaaaargghh men! They think their lives / work / careers / relationships are so much more important than ours.

My daughters dad is just like this.

Tell him that in future you need much more notice than this so you can make alternative arrangements. He is out of order.

DP

x

BTW - by behaving like this, he is the one missing out on precious time with his kids while you get to be with them. That makes you the lucky one. One day he will realise this.

x

yeah, that's what I meant when I said his chickens will come home to roost.

From an early age neither of my parents were there for me during times of confusion and typical problems everyone has growing up. So, I learned to deal with them myself. As problems became greater, they were less and less there.

Then, as an adult, they were upset when I didn't particularly want (definitly didn't need) them around in times of joy and accomplishment.

Hey, you can't have it both ways.

Marty--

Get out of the middle.

I divorced when my sons were 10 and 12. At first their father didn't want to see them because the visits were "too painful".

This phase passed.

Then he drifted into a "regular" schedule according to his convenience. He wanted to tell me about last minute cancellations and have me tell the boys.

Nope.

I refused to be in the middle. If he were going to disappoint his kids, he had to take the responsibility of contacting them to break/change arrangements.

Suddenly he became much more reliable.

Being the custodial parent doesn't mean that you have to do his dirty work. Get out of the middle. Insist that he make his excuses to his kids personally.

Thanks everybody. I thought I was just ranting and whining about my issues but you all truely came through and encouraged me to smile today. I was in a bit of a slump yesterday.
My kids are 12 and 14, so they are old enough to be home alone. However, I don't like them to be home alone while I'm working a late shift. The night I'm scheduled to work late(on-call once per week) is the night he takes them to dinner and runs them around, and helps with homework. So when he doesn't give me adequate notice I have to either make phone calls to arrange carpools or cancel my son's tutoring.
Here's another kicker...He is renting a really nice apartment with beautiful water/mountain views but it's a one bedroom. When the kids stay with him one sleeps on a futon and the other on the couch. I've told him numerous times that he needs to provide them with a private sleeping area of their own. Are you all bracing yourselves?? About 5 months ago he picked up the kids for his weekend and took them to his apartment. There they were met by his"friend" and her son. All spending the weekend in his one bedroom apartment. The kids had no warning that they were even going to meet someone that weekend. (This is the woman he left me for...what an a$$)

Thanks Mame

Marty--

Believe me, the kids will notice. Where did the potential step child sleep?

Stop telling him how to treat his kids. Get out of the middle on all fronts.

Hold your dominion.

Noddy, you're right. It just sickens me that I thought that I really knew this person and he turns out to be the exact opposite of what a partner represents in my opinion.
For the most part I've gotton over his leaving. Every once in a while I get this wave of sadness that my life is nothing like I had envisioned it to be. Knowing what I know now, he wouldn't be the man I'd choose to have children with.

Marty--

He's a louse and you're better off without him. All the same, you wouldn't trade the kids you have for other kids, would you?

As for the lemon you picked, remember he was going all out to play Prince Charming. Unfortunately, he decided one performance of Prince Charming wasn't enough. You're divorced. His actions do not reflect on you in any way.

He's obviously living in a bachelor pad, ignoring that he's unmarried-with-kids.

The mills of the gods grind slow, but they grind exceeding fine.

Get out of the middle and Hold your dominion.

Awww I'm sorry to hear you are going through this marty. It's tough I know. The cool thing is even though the tendency is for his "antics" to tick you off, it doesn't have to. Just let him be the irresponsible person he is being and enjoy some extra time with your kids. Make it more fun for them. Laugh with them, play games, you know... what ever you need to do. Because we can't control the other person. But we can control how we react to them. Ya know?

Yeah, you're right. What I have a hard time with is the fact that here at home they have chores and pet responsibilities. And yes, they get scolded from time to time when they slack off or argue with each other. But when they go there it's all fun times, no chores. I know that I'm a great mom but he gets to be the fun one.

Marty--

I found myself Single Again with two children and a non-existent social life. I'm not a Christian, but for a few months I attended a discussion group for Christian Single.

Christmas was coming and one woman was frothing rabid that her husband was getting 10-speed bikes for the kids. She wanted the cards on those bicycles show that the bikes were from both of them.

I was asked for my reaction. My response was that I didn't think I could be replaced by a 10-speed bike.

Fun and games are all very well, but loving mothers make the best memories.