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Sun 5 Nov, 2006 07:24 am
Today is my one year wedding anniversary. Last night my husband and I had a nice dinner exchanging small gifts to one another. Food was wonderful, atmosphere amazing, conversation......heartbreaking.
A little less than a year ago my daughter and I packed our bags to move to my husbands native country. Though we knew there would be challenges such as language and culture we both felt it was doable. Immigration has proven to be a little more complicated than first expected as we (my daughter and I ) have permission to stay we don't have resident numbers. Without this resident number I cannot work, open my own bank account, ect. ect. Again this was not going to be a problem as my husband salary is in the top 10 % of the country.
Here's the heartbreaking part...
My husband has informed me that even though he has a high salary by his countries standards it's not enough to support us without having to dip into savings each month. Last night he told me within six months we would be broke. He feels guilty for getting us into this situation and is now thinking of selling his company to the highest bidder just so we wont go under. He suggested perhaps I should go back home (US) and work but it will put an even bigger strain on things because I'll either have to rent or buy a car, rent an apartment and find suitable help to care for my daughter when I'm at work. We figured it was cheaper to stay together. He also threw it out on the table that perhaps we should divorce and I wouldn't have to go through this.....even though I'm already in it.
This was quite a shock to me because for the three years we have been together money was never an issue. I stopped working about a year ago and began teaching my daughter at home due to traveling with him so much. Never during these times did we live a financially strapped life. So as I said before this all came as a huge shock esp. the divorce part.
We really have no where else to go for I don't have family in a position to take us in like that. I do have a couple of friends but mostly all men who I know would like nothing better than start something out of my miss- fortune. It sickens me to be put in such a position with a young child.
Guys I really don't know what to do. I love my husband but can't live on the streets. To sell his lifes work off to the highest bidder seems extreme as our history is not that long together. Home sounds good but my options all come with strings....what the hell do I do?
Advice would be great to help me make this most difficult decision.
Hi slonie, sorry you're in such a tough situation.
I think the first thing to do is to demand transparency in finances. Find out how much your husband makes, exactly, and how much is being spent on set costs like mortgage or utilities. Then budget. Live within your means.
There is a lot of room between "Never during these times did we live a financially strapped life" and going broke. You can live a financially strapped life, especially if you have the essentials (home, enough food). Stop buying new clothes, new toys, etc.
Then, once you have a budget in place, you can start figuring out how to get a resident number. You say that you don't have one but not whether it's obtainable.
It does sound like you have options, even if you're feeling overwhelmed now.
Good luck.
Thanks for your reply sozobe,
In an effort to make my situation clear but short I've left out many key elements, I'm sure.
Of course the first thing we did this morning was look at everything and where the money is going each month. Since moving here we hardly do any luxury things (movies, theater, salon, dinning out) like we use to because the cost here is enormous compared to the states. From what I could tell the only extras' is my daughters gymnastic lessons. Other than that it's just the basics. So as far as the budget it's his salary plus savings just to make ends meet. We don't have any credit card bills, just car and insurance. Theres socialized medicine here so that's not even an issue. It seems to be only monthly expentures that are necessary for life that is killing our future. Even our housing is very modest and on the low side for renting.
Could be so right saying, Theres a lot of room between, "Never during these times did we live a financially strapped life" and going broke. But I have to admit I was behaving pretty naively in retrospect. I just never imagine this would be an issue. Neither of us are very young and both have been married or in longterm relationships before. I just don't understand why he couldn't see this along time ago so we could have made a better plan than divorce.
In the states I'm trained as a Cardiac nurse so getting a job there won't be much of a problem. It is the fact I've shut down my life to live one with him. It didn't have to be like this and I worry so much about the trauma my child will have to endure because of her mother's choice.
And yes, the resident number has been approved and we're just awaiting it's arrival though it's proving to be a long wait.
Thanks again,
Slonie
Erm, why can't you go to work? Not necessarily as a nurse, as anything?
And, what about finding a less expensive place to live? Or trading down for a less expensive car?
The solutions are to either spend less money or make more, if you want to stay together. Even the fixed expenses do not have to be so fixed and there may be ways to lower them.
Oh, and there's also the question of getting a loan, either from family or a bank. I don't, personally, love debt, but it is another way to bring in a cash infusion for now, until other things right themselves, so long as you are both clear that there will come a time when you will have to pay the piper.
slonie -- so sorry to read abt your situation. stay together. stick it out together. it will work out, and you guys will all be stronger and wiser for it. i have no words of wisdom, because i am an inexperienced fool, but i do believe that things do work out in the end. they will for you. make it work.
Hm, I cannot help but think that there is something desperately wrong in your relationship (or the way you are portraying it).
Throughout your marriage (and even before) money seems to have been an issue. Why does it all come as such a surprise to you?
How does it make you feel, when one of the first ideas your husband always seems to have to resolve this issue is separation/divorce?
Which country did you move to, by the way?
Personally, I think if your husband wants a divorce over this and isn't willing to do everything he can to make ends meet, this is an issue that has nothing to do with money.
I know my husband would get a second job to make sure that we kept the roof over our head and food on our table.
I think you need to do some inquiry as to what is really going on here.
Hey sloani, were have you gone?
Bella Dea wrote:Personally, I think if your husband wants a divorce over this and isn't willing to do everything he can to make ends meet, this is an issue that has nothing to do with money.
Um. I tend to agree with bella on this point.
Would your husband prefer you both get a divorce so that he can save face? Is it a culturally more acceptable where you live for a man to be alone & divorced, than it is for him to be poor with a wife & child? Is this about his ego ... or is there something he is not telling you?
I find the option of divorce rash and irresponsibe - particularly as there is a child involved.
Bohne wrote:Hey sloani, were have you gone?
sloani's not here because jespah busted her.
read j's links, and what sloani's saying now....the 2 stories don't match.
sounds like a third world country somewhere in asia...
Heh, thanks! Happy hollandaise.
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