Where does this come from?

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Hello everyone.
Here's my story.

I am 21 years old soon and have been living with and dating my man for the last 2 - 2 1/2 years. He's 28 and is extreamly grounded, knows himself and what he wants out of life. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs at times but overall, he is wonderful to me and I always hoped that we would get married one day.

But

For along time, I've been wondering why him and I have not been able to hold a conversation about our feelings or our future for very long. He has told me that he doesn't feel comfortable speaking of these things, he's not sure what to say and, in my opinion, has a 'I'm a man and don't have feelings' type thing.
One day about two months ago, before he was to go away for a military training excersize, I reached my limit and let it all pour out. I asked him why after 2 years couldn't we ( and by we I ment he Razz

) open up about our feelings and such. I let him know that I didn't want to feel like #2 to his computer anymore and basically that my heart was not a joke. It even led into doubts of why we were together anymore. He did not say anything during the 'discussion', only sat and listened. Afterwards, we were fine, there were no feeling of resentment or anything. I just needed to get it off my chest.
So, he goes away for 2 weeks (in which he didn't call me/made me worry) and when he comes back, explains that there was little/no phones there. I trust him and so this wasn't an issue. We then take a trip to the mall even tho he's EXTREAMLY exhaughsted to buy him an ipod .. but while we are there, he pulls me into a jewlery store, asks me to choose a ring I like and buys it for me!
So, yes, we are enganged now, thank you. Smile

((yes, I'm young but have been thru a few long term relationships and am well rounded and mature))
I did try and have a small talk about the ring and what it ment and how he felt and such, as there was no formal proposal or anything, but all I got was that it was an engagement ring.
Then he goes back out for another military excersize practically the next day, this time for Afganistan training. He won't be back from the training until somewhere in between Nov 21 - 24 and will have a few months with lots of time off before departing in Feb. to Afganastan for 9 months. When he returns would be the point we had decided would be a good time to marry.
I gave him my cell phone this time to take with him and he calls me everyother day, sometimes everyday, which is nice, but today our conversation really terrified me.

He asked me to get in contact with a priest or minister of peace or someone who could preform a wedding. Naturally, I probed and asked why and he replied that he wants to get married when he gets back... from his training excersize! - within the next 2 -3 months?!? Shocked

- I became completly overwhelmed with terror. I'm not sure why exactly I became so frightened, I don't believe that it was him personally or the idea of spending my life with him.. I could feel my fear down to my bones, - perhaps excitment mixed in? I have no idea - it was just so sudden and I didn't know what to think for the longest time.
I've given it some thought since then and I feel that watching my parents get divorced when I was younger could be part of what sparked my fear. I also know that my man is experiencing the fear of losing me when he goes away and I don't believe that is a good reason to get married in a hurry. Although he has said he was afraid of losing me, he also told me that it wasn't the main reason for him wanting to marry me. He said it 'just feels like the right time. It just feels right.' He said he does't care if his family ( living on the other side of the country) are there or not or where it was or anything. ... I told him we would have a good conversation about it when he comes back from his excersize.

I really need someone out there to please help me sort out these thoughts and fears.
I can see myself living in a home with him, it makes me smile inside to think of him holding our children.. but why all this fear?
We understand and repect eachother very much and I can see us making a marriage work, thru thick and thin but where does all this terror come from and ... what the hell does it mean .. and what do I do about it?!?
I can see us being married enriching our lives ... but I need to deal with this dam fear ! Ahhhhhhh!

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I could be way off, but the first thing that came to my mind was why the sudden readiness to get married. Marriage is a lifetime commitment which should be thought out and not rushed into. Yes, I understand you've been together for quite some time, but more communication may be key in feeling content and secure with finalizing the commitment between the two of you. He should be a little more open to discussing your concerns. Marriage should not be an answer to the fear of losing someone. Two people should be together because they can live without the other but choose not to. Does that make sense?

PS..Welcome to A2K

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Oh, definetly makes sence. I don't feel it's right to get married b/c you're afraid of losing someone and communication in the field of emotions and our relationship have always been scarce (if non-existant)

But I mean, what would I ask? What would we talk about regarding our relationship?

"Do you love me?" "yes"
"Are you committed?" "yes"
"Are we compatible?" "yes"
"Do we have similar goals in life?" "yes"
I mean... Rolling Eyes

it all seems pretty obvious anyways...

Tho, now that I think about it, I would like to know what his idea of a marriage is.

He's a 'in-the-moment" kind of dude, you know? He knows he wants a house and a family.. but doesn't really plan it all out. So asking him what he see's our future as is like asking him what's on the other side of a wall.

/sigh I'm not even sure what to talk about in regards to feelings and our relationship anymore.

I know I don't want to rush into a marriage like that.. but others have pointed out that if you love eachother and know that we are going to get married anyways, why not now? It has benifits for us when he goes to Afganistan aswel, and if something were to happen to him (God forbid) at least there would be a level of income support or whatever ( my mother thought of that?)

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Common law relationships seldom last after marriage. Most guys don't want to get married till their late 30's. Those are what I gather from statistical reports also know from a male perspective.

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I get the benefits part. Can you try to ask him open ended questions that don't have a yes or no answer?
How do you forsee our future together?
How would you describe your love for me?
What are things in life that make you happy?
Are you happy?

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Quote:

Common law relationships seldom last after marriage.

Yes, but reports also show that those who move in with eachother with a clear intention of one day marrying fall under the 'normal' (but also extreamly ugly) catagory.

Hmm, I can see how open-ended questions is a wise choice nand have tried some on several occasions. Most answers are .. short and don't really answer the question at all.

How would you describe your love for me?
"Uhhh.. I'm not sure. I just.. do."

Those types of responces.

Marriage is not a new thing for us. We did talk a little about it before we moved in together, in fact, he asked me within 3 - 4 months of knowing eachother to marry him.
He's explained to me before that he just doesn't have the right words to say anything.. or can't think of anything. His work takes alot out of him so I don't blame him for not really thinking about any of it.. until he goes away. When he goes for training, he tells me how much he misses me. He comes back and he tells me the things he's thought about... which is only if I brought the topic up first awhile ago.
Hehe iono. We both have been in a serious relationship before in which both have ended in cheating/breaking up. We're both scared but also both independant people and leaders. So, we just haven't found what makes our convo flow yet I guess..

What should I ask him when he gets back regarding marrying too fast? Would I be crazy if I agreed? Do I even want to agree? Razz

I'm just not sure what to say ..

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What I'm really concerned about is the intense fear I felt. Where did that come from? Does it mean anything? ...

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You two sound like prime candidates for premarital counseling.

It's a good thing. Your relationship could really benefit from it. It can help with your communication difficulties and make sure you are both on the same wavelength re: marital responsibilities, expectations, etc. It can also help you define what is causing this fear, and help you work through that.

I recommend it highly. Find a good counselor or a clergyman with training. There are lots out there...just ask around. In fact, many ministers/priests will not perform a wedding ceremony without insisting the couple attend a few counseling sessions first. It can prevent a lot of difficulties down the road.

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Definitely pay attention to your fear. It doesn't necessarily mean that this shouldn't be happening -- people in fabulous, successful relationships get nervous about this kind of thing too -- but it shouldn't be shrugged off.

What I dislike most about this whole account is that he seems thoroughly in control of the whole process. He acts, you react. You try to take a little control (get him to talk about stuff), he comes back with the grand gesture instead of really talking. What do you want from a wedding? Has he asked you?

You NEED to talk. IMO there is no way to have a viable relationship if one person wants to talk and one person is given to caveman grunts. I just can't see that part going anywhere good. For now, the talking can be silenced by waving a ring around. What about when you have kids and disagree on fundamental parenting issues? Etc., etc.

I agree with Eva that premarital counseling can help get you talking, in a supported way.

Quote:

We did talk a little about it before we moved in together, in fact, he asked me within 3 - 4 months of knowing eachother to marry him.

What did you say then? Why? Have things changed that much?

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Well, at the time we had a pregnancy scare. Rolling Eyes

Actually, I was pregnant but had a miscarriage a month later.
When I told him I was pregnant, instead of the reaction I was expecting (a stress thing), his face lit right up and he couldn't stop grinning and he told me how excited he was. He was deeply happy and asked if we should get married. . .I asked why. I don't believe that just because someone is pregnant it should result in marriage plus I had only known him a very short time. But in the end, I said yes.
After the miscarriage, it wasn't clear if we were still on for the marriage thing.
Later, we moved in together and had some rough times adjusting but we worked it out.

Quote:

What I dislike most about this whole account is that he seems thoroughly in control of the whole process.

There have been alot of issues in our relationship in which he has had control in which I end up eventually submissing to, not just this marriage thing. For example, he is the jealous/rage type when it comes to me having other guy friends and it eventually led to me not speaking with some people anymore and even not going out to bars anymore. For a time, we lived with a girlfriend of mine for awhile who has a bit of obsessive compulsion. My man couldn't deal with her need for sparkly clean and her tentendcey to speak to me about what we should be doing in the house, in a negitive way, when he was not around. Eventually, she moved out and we haven't talked since.
It's not that he directly ever said 'Don't see those people, never speak with another man, never go out to bars' or anything, it was just the only way I could figure to make things work better between us, after much thought and after trying to make it okay with him for a long time.
I know this is not a 'good' thing persay, but I love him and adjusted these things for him. I didn't intentionally decide 'Ok I won't go to bars anymore' but he never wanted to go out with me and I didn't have many other friends. It became a hassle and so I eventually stopped going out. Things are more relaxed at this point and our trust in eachother has grown. I know I could go out and such with no problem at this point but it seems that the friends I once had are non-existent.
When I do talk to him now about the things I need to talk about, he does come sit with me and listen. He doesn't say much but it's better then him not listening at all, which he used to do by continuing on with whatever he was doing before (usually the computer).
Oddly enough, we can talk about anything under the sun and have decent conversations. When it comes to relationshipa/feelings or anything in that area, he just doesn't have anything to say.
I tried not to push him into opening up to me very much, I figured it might have to do with fear, but he just says he can't find words for any of it. I wouldn't mind going to counseling but I do not believe there is enough time right now to make much difference. (he comes back on the 23(ish) and leaves again in Feb. with work inbetween and I doubt he will want to spend the last month or two that he has here at home visiting a counceller. I spose it doesn't hurt to bring it up with him.

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ALTab, Listen to your own conscience. You should know by now the pros and cons of marriage for you.

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Gosh, ALTab, I could barely read that post for all of the red flags that were waving around in it. Shocked

I'll say more strongly than I usually do for these kinds of things to NOT make any decisions until the counseling has happened.

Your situation reminds me of one that came up in Savage Love recently (an advice column by Dan Savage, adult language et al so a warning to those who aren't familiar with him):

http://www.avclub.com/content/node/54197

(First letter and response. Further responses here:)

http://www.avclub.com/content/savagelove/green

There are many elements to your story that could be fine in and of themselves but make me really nervous when combined. Just for example, if your bf was all of the things you describe but you had a lot of friends and a good solid life of your own, as an individual, that would be one thing. The fact that you don't currently really have any friends of your own is a big EEK for me.

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Yeah, soz, red flags here, too. It sounds like she's gotten herself into a situation where she can't see any reasonable course of action other than marrying him.

I will do you a favor, AL Tab, and tell you this straight out. If you marry this guy, you can count on having serious problems down the road.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, or that anything is wrong with you. It's the relationship, the combination of you and him, that doesn't look like a good bet. The two of you have serious communication and control issues, and those always get worse with time, not better.

Get professional advice, even if it's just a few visits. You need a clearer picture of what you're about to get yourself into.

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The way and situation under which he proposed is very sketchy. I don't trust him.

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I don't distrust him, exactly. I trust him to be who he is at this time..

I too see a bunch of flags, and one of them is AL tab's sense of them both being well rounded and mature, despite their young age and communication gap. To me you are both just beginning, and you're considering this big leap. I don't think any potential financial benefits are a reason to marry.

Given my perspective, I see both of you, AL tab, have a lot of self understanding and exploring and changing and maybe changing back... but self independence to gain, before you match up for life, or not. Maturation doesn't happen zip like that. I think your fear is justified, given that you undertake marriage as a long term thing.

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Adding, wanting to be loved, to have sex, to love... are not enough reasons.
Not to diminish your relationship, but to say life can be long and these decisions matter.

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All of the above below my post just about covers it for ALTab's conscience. She should sleep on it for about 24 months before making a decisioin.

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I was going to add, I think you need the time apart. Even going to Afghanistan is not reason to marry, at least in this circumstance.

I don't mean you shouldn't love him. But I think you both need time.

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Hey.
Your fear sounds like a very normal smart response. It's worth checking out, and getting to the root of all of it, before taking the plunge to get married.
There is no rush.
Take the time, it'll be worth it.

You are making a lot of sacrifices for this man at a very early age. I wonder if you have connections with many women who have/are further along in your shoes?
Besides all the regular issues to deal with, you fell in love with a man who is in the military. Marry him and your life will be largely formed around all the challenges that it presents. And any potential children, as well.

I don't see the harm in pre-marital councilling. It could be really good.

If I were you (and I am not, nor have I been in your shoes) I would be searching out support network of women who have military bfs/hubbys.
Really consider what sort of life you would be commiting to.
And if you do go ahead with the marriage at some point, it will only be a bonus to have some friends to commiserate with on the unique circumstances.

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Aside from all of the red flags that everyone else sees, I see the military flag. You asked where did this come from. He's going to Afghanistan some time soon. He might die. He wants to get married before he dies. He probably wants to have a child before he dies. Maybe I'm being cynical, and clearly I don't know him, but I just think this is a very common mentality for people who don't expect a long life. And I'm sure he's not the only one. If I could count the number of young men I know/knew who got married and had children at exactly this point in their lives -- on the verge of overseas deployment and danger -- it would be a fairly large number. The instinct to procreate often accompanies danger, IMO. And that's what I think is happening here.

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