The Gay Agenda Exposed, in all it's Glittering Glory

What a hoot!

Boston Globe

Blame it all on the gay agenda
By Steve Kluger | November 2, 2006

IT'S FINALLY happened. We've been exposed. With the
recent ruling by the New Jersey Supreme Court
requiring equal marital rights for same-gender
couples, the Homosexual Agenda has been outed by our
spiritual leaders -- who urge Americans to vote
Republican on Election Day in order to preserve our
few remaining national values.

What's there left to do but come clean? Although we've
attempted to keep our covert ops cloaked in diverting
sequins, there's no plugging the leaks that have
revealed our subversive intentions. It's the Pentagon
Papers all over again.

The truth began to emerge last week when a male couple
was wed in Massachusetts. Twenty minutes later, three
heterosexual marriages fell apart in Kansas City.
Under ordinary circumstances, one of our operatives
would have been present to hide the evidence under a
stack of Liza Minnelli CDs, but he was watching an
episode of "I Love Lucy" with his 9-year-old niece so
that she could go forth and recruit her young friends
in fourth grade.

And marriage isn't the only institution we've
infiltrated. In fact, we're present in every headline
that frightens you -- you just don't know it yet.

The E.coli outbreak in spinach originated in
California's Salinas Valley, known for decades as "The
Salad Bowl." It doesn't exactly take a degree in
sociology to figure out which minority would name a
massive slab of the state's geological plate after a
fresh vegetable medley. And this was before the nearby
Santa Lucia Mountains were rechristened the
Tong-and-Chic Range.

Osama bin Laden remains at large. We're not exactly
proud to claim him as one of ours, but in the interest
of national security we're morally required to reveal
that he moonlights as an internationally beloved drag
queen -- and we can't keep track of him either. He was
last spotted in Detroit as Carol Channing (his fave),
but sources in the gay Taliban tell us that he's been
working on a fabulous Barbara Bush. You go, girl.

Our president is not to be reviled for entangling us
in a war with Iraq. When US reconnaissance aircraft
flew over that country in 2002, they inadvertently
filmed the Baghdad Pride Parade. No doubt it was the
Joan Crawford float that was mistaken in Washington
for a weapon of mass destruction. It could happen to
anyone.

Don't believe that global warming is the result of
fossil fuel emissions or SUVs parked in spaces marked
"Compact Only." Check the graphs at the Environmental
Protection Agency and note that the temperature spiked
with the boxed-set DVD release of "The Complete Barbra
Streisand." Then imagine the catastrophic energy
consumption when 19 million disc players are
programmed to repeat the ironically titled "Don't Rain
on My Parade" as a continuous loop.

Yes, the North Koreans are playing with nukes. But the
threat from Pyongyang might have been avoided if those
hiding in the Pentagon closets had been monitoring Kim
Jong-il instead of super-cute Kayne Gillaspie on
"Project Runway." This was merely our diversionary
tactic so that nobody would be paying attention when
we slipped onto military bases around the world and
convinced all the troops to turn gay. The generals
were right after all. It's that easy.

Children need to be protected from the most hazardous
predator currently stalking them: "A Chorus Line." It
recently opened on Broadway to near-unanimous acclaim
-- and if legislative action is not taken immediately,
there won't be any boys left for the NFL to draft in
2016 who aren't wearing tap shoes and tights.

And since it's going to come out sooner or later
anyway, you might as well know that Ethel Merman was a
man.

So before you vote on Nov. 7, remember that the
escalating decay we suffer as a nation is not due to a
dishonest and immoral war, nor to an ethic that drives
school children to acquire assault weapons for
show-and-tell, nor to a callous disregard of the
natural resources that we've plundered into
near-extinction. Instead, blame it all on two
anonymous guys in New Jersey who just want to pledge
their lives to one another.

Then listen to your heart.

Steve Kluger is a novelist and playwright.