LITTLE JONHNY JOKES

Paste em here....

Few from my side...

1)

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"





2)The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.



3)

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out ... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"



4)

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the fuXXing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"



n the best one!!

5)
A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.

6)
A first standard teacher was having trouble with one of her
students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"


Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first standard. My sister
is in the third standard and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third standard too!"


The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's
office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the first standard and behave.

The teacher agreed.


Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agrees to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"


Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

J ohnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third
standard kid should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I
think Johnny can go to the third standard."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does
a cow have four of that I have only two of?"


Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."


Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"


The principal's eyes open really wide but before he could stop the
answer, Johnny was taking charge.

Johnny replied, "Pockets."


(Now no reactions on Johnny's face. He was so cool!)


Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer...

Johnny: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"

Johnny: "Bubblegum."


Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down
and a dog do on three legs?"

Johnny: "Shake hands."

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I?' sort of questions.
Ok?"

Johnny: "Yep."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get
me up. I get wet before you do."

Johnny: "Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. the best man always has me first."

The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Johnny: "Wedding ring."


Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
you feel good."

Johnny: "Nose."


Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver."

Johnny: "Arrow."


Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of excitement?"


Johnny: "Firetruck."



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Johnny in the fifth standard, I missed the last ten questions myself."

7)
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Well, OK, you had already heard that one...

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Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

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Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards". Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" The dad answered, " Your mom".

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?" The sister answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" She answered, "My boyfriend."

A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards." The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?" Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

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Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly." So Little Johnny asked, "Why the **** didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

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The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. "Mary, what does your parents do?"

Lil' Mary replied "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse."

"That's very nice," said the teacher," Robert, what do your parents do?"

Robert proudly exclaimed ,"My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"

"That's very nice," said the teacher ,"Johnny, what do your parents do?"

He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.

"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher. Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

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Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'"

Little Johnny: "I is..."

Teacher: "No, Little Johnny. Always say 'I am.'"

Little Johnny: "All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living. Little Mary got up and said "My Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect".

"Great." said the teacher. Michael got up and said "My Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife". "Good." said the teacher. Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mommy, she is a substitute". Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "You mean she is a Prostitute."

"No." Said Johnny, "My Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."

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Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

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Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. "What's that, Mummy?" asks the child. "Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?" the child asks. "That, son, is the elephant's penis." replied his father. "Mummy said it was nothing," the child then said. "Your mother's spoilt, Son."

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Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." ; "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." ; "Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her what happened. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

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Little Johnny and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture frame while his mother made lunch. About twenty minutes after they went upstairs Johnny came downstairs crying. "What's wrong?" His mother said. "Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!" Said Johnny. "Well..." Johnny's mother started. "...That's nothing to cry about, daddy will be alright. Its actually kind of funny, I don't know why you didn't laugh when it happened."

"I did!" Johnny said. "I did!"

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Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

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Little Johnny and his older sister were sitting at the breakfast table and Little Johnny was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Now here is a great sale on tires!"

"What do you want tires for?" his sister said, "You don't have a car." Little Johnny replied, "Hey, I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra!"

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Little Johnny's Dad sees him sitting with his head down. He heads over to talk to him, "Hey Johnny, is something wrong?"

"Yeah,... I'm really depressed"

"Why, what's the matter?"

"I caught my girlfriend in bed with my best friend."

"Wow, that's terrible. What did you do?"

"I dragged her out of the bed and told her it's over."

"So what did you do with your best friend?"

"I sat him down...tied him up...looked him straight in the eye...and said...Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. Then Little Johnny, the youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He then decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." Little Johnny replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then Little Johnny asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

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Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"

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Little Johnny is playing in the street one day when this stranger pulls up in his car. The stranger says "Psssssst! Hey kid!"

"Yeah?" replies Johnny. And the stranger says, "Kid, I'll give a piece of candy to come in my car." Little Johnny replies, "Give me the whole damn bag and I'll cum in your mouth!"

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Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. Obviously his best friend little Benny wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: "I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parents bedroom. I walked in and saw the bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."

Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says "I want a watch.". The dad sighs and says: "Alright but go and stand in the corner and don't make a noise."

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A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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Little Johnny starts necking with a pretty girl and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "No." He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, " you know how people shake up a Coke bottle and spray it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back, and he starts writhing and screaming in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your thumb off the end!!"

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up: Little Johnny and a slightly older gorgeous blonde. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies Little Johnny, "just get that lion out of the way."

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Little Johnny asks his Dad, "Why do men die before their wives?"
"They want to."

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This couple was worried about the size of their young son's penis, so they consulted a doctor. The doctor told them that the only thing he knew that would correct this problem would be for them to feed Little Johnny wheat toast for breakfast. The next morning Johnny came to the breakfast table where he saw a plate on the table with a huge stack of wheat toast on it. He asked his mother what the big stack was for. She replied, "The top two slices are for you, and the rest is for Dad. "

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Little Johnny asks his dad," What's the best thing about a blowjob?"

"The five minutes of silence."

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Little Johnny's sitting in a coffee shop, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young lady looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me dinner..."

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Little Johnny goes on his first date. "How did it go?" his mom asked. "Great. I gave her an Australian kiss goodnight."

"What's an Australian kiss?"

"It's like a French kiss, but down under."

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Little Johnny is trying to pick up a girl, but nothing seems to be working. She finally tells him that she wants to go home. Little Johnny then tells her that if she will go home with him, he has a frog that is trained to eat pussy. Intrigued by this prospect, she agrees to go home with Little Johnny. When they are at his house, he tells her to get undressed and to lie on the bed while he gets his frog. He brings the frog into the bedroom and puts it between her legs but the frog doesn't do anything. Finally Little Johnny grabs the frog and holds it up to his face and says to the frog, "Look! I'm only going to show you one more time.

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Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

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Little Johnny had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of his left foot. His girlfriend called her mother from the hospital. "Mom," she sobbed, "my boyfriend has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's all right dear, your father has only six inches."

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One day Little Johnny was in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate "Whatcha doin?" he asks. Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."

"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Little Johnny shouts back, "That's because he's inside your ******* cat!"

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Little Johnny's friend stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his golf partner nuts. Finally an exasperated Little Johnny says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the ball!!!" The other boy answers, "My mom is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." Little Johnny ponders this for a moment and then replies, "Forget it dude, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

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A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word "indefinitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class, but the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim. Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?" Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely." The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... maybe he really does know the answer, so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against her buns, I knew that I was in definitely!"

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In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"

"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

"Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then Little Johnny, sitting behind the little girl, gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

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The final examination for an English class was two hours long and exam booklets were provided. The teacher was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, Little Johnny came rushing in and asked the teacher for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the teacher stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied Little Johnny. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the teacher called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. Fifteen minutes later, the last student came up to the teacher who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." Little Johnny looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the teacher. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" Little Johnny said again. "No, and I don't care." replied the teacher with an air of superiority. "Good," replied Little Johnny, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

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Little Johnny's sitting on his bed and says to his girlfriend standing in the doorway, "My little boopey-boo - I'm so lonely." So she crosses the room over to Little Johnny. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls flat on her face. Little Johnny, with a concerned look on his face, says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?" She gets up, gets into Little Johnny's bed and the two have passionate sex. Afterwards the girl rolls out and crosses the room over to the bathroom. On the way she catches her foot on the carpet and once again falls flat on her face. Little Johnny mutters under his breath, "Clumsy bitch."

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There was this young girl that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said, "Grandmother, I didn't let Little Johnny disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."