How to Fix It When You Do Something Stupid.

Not enough information. Nowhere near.

That's the problem with Agony Aunts. They advise abstract concepts and end up using the column to jack their own egos off and justify their own actions.

On what little you have offered I think you should say that what's done is done and if you can't leave it behind blow. The beach is full of pebbles. If he doesn't know that women are a bit devious and that it is a part of their charm, their duty some would say, he's a bit in the slow lane.

Once you've lost someone's trust it is difficult to earn it back. Not to say it can't be done though. If his trust in you and in your relationship was based on you always doing things right, I'd say there's something not quite right with that either. There is no perfect relationship, or perfect people. We all screw up sometimes. It's just a fact of life. If he's willing to remove all his trust from you because you screwed up once, there's something not right about that too.

Be careful because trust can be used as a control factor in a relationship. You can easily fall into a place of constantly trying to earn it back, and end up completely dissatisfied in the end because you're needs became unimportant in the effort to try and meet his. It's a two way street you know. If he really loves you he will forgive you and move on. Completely. If he can't it's obvious that he's not what you thought he was. Friends are different outside of a relationship. The stakes get raised when you become a couple. The expectations for the other person get raised, and sometimes can become impossible to meet.

He doesn't trust you but wants to marry you? (topic of your other thread - young marriage)

Seems like you need to sort out the relationship before you consider marriage. The current state of your relationship sounds like something ready to implode.

Good grief. Nice catch ehBeth. I had responded to the marriage question, but failed to note that she had also posted this thread.

My take on this is that, aside from the damaged trust, it's an issue of maturity. If you behave in such a juvenile manner over something so minor, how's the marriage (assuming there is one) going to weather any major issues that arise? And trust me, they WILL arise.

What you're really asking is, "How can I erase the past."

You can't. You can either ignore your mistakes or learn from your mistakes.



Omar the Tentmaker said it well.

I know I can't erase the past. That isn't what I am asking.

I want to know if there is a good way I can go about regaining trust in a relationship.

And we were thinking about getting married - then this happened. I'm not irrational; I know that I have a lot of stuff to sort through with him before I consider that again.

- Roethe.

If you're rolling a boulder up a mountain make sure it isn't so big.

Roethe--

There is no shortcut to establishing a history of being trustworthy. You'll have to build a new reputation one day at a time.

do 8 other stupid things so the first stupid thing you did doesnt look so stupid in comparison

Good lord, just show up at the door naked holding a six pack. If that doesn't fix it, he's gay.

thanks for ruining the surprise for us. douchebag










just joking note the smiley faces

I'm a relationship thread junkie.

But, I gotta go with the last two posts.

I agree with spendius (my god the world must have flipped! :wink: ). Not enough information. What was it you did? How much trust has been lost? Lying over something silly can break trust. Cheating can destroy it.

Roethe - I would suggest your actions will obviously speak louder than any words.

So, whatever you tell him from now on, perhaps back it up with proof. "Yes, that was my mum on the phone" .. then show him your cell phone with her number on it ... kind of thing. It's just an idea. But perhpas if you can encourage him (if that's even possible) to begin to believe you again, then that is a start. You have a long road ahead of you b/c he may doubt anything you tell him from now on. That is a heavy burden to bear.

Have you apologized to him? That you are truly sorry and told him the truth about why you lied? (that you wanted to impress him, etc) That it was perhaps your insecurities which inspired the lie?

It sounds trite, but have you asked him for his forgiveness? If he says "yes", he forgives you then you could BOTH agree to start with a clean slate.

And never, ever tell him lies again. The truth might be harder in the short term, but in the long term, it's beneficial to all concerned in my opinion. The other prob with lies is that you have to keep remembering them. I'm just lazy. The truth is easier.

That's my 2 cents worth I hope it gives you some ideas.

Finally - I agree with the others. There is not really enough information to go on - what did you lie about?

Good luck and keep us posted.

- jazzie

I think it will take time!
Just continue to be honest in everything.
He apparently is willing to give you another chance, I guess that's a good sign.
The trust will have to come back on it's own, if it ever does.

But I think if you really just amended some things concerning yourself to look better, there is a good chance that he will understand one day!

[quote="Roethe"]And we were thinking about getting married - then this happened. [/quote]

Now I don't really get it either.
He knew you were lying all along according to your question.
But you only found out a few hours after still wanting to marry him.

I do think you need to go into details now, too.
What made him stop wanting to marry you, when he seemed to be OK for a while with your lying.
Why did he not simply come out with it?
What was he waiting for?
Was there a final lie that broke the camel's back?