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Sun 29 Oct, 2006 03:09 pm
I spent ages talking to a girl at a party last night who I know through friends, and who I've met a couple of times before. We get on really well, and she clearly likes me as a friend. And she's gorgeous and I'm starting to get inappropriately fond of her. It's inappropriate because she has a boyfriend, and as far as I can tell they're very happy together.
She's invited me to thanksgiving dinner at her house, so I will see her again. I'm thinking that I should probably nip this in the bud and just give up on being attracted to her, since she is unavailable. She definitely likes me as a friend, and I should probably just appreciate that and make friends with her.
But, naturally I don't want to do that. I want to think about her every day and pine for what I can never have. I've done this a few times before. It always ends badly, and it's a very miserable experience. But it's also sort of motivating. Until the moment of rejection, there's always an inkling of hope, and a reason to get up in the morning, and it motivates you. I was obsessed with a girl when I was at school a few years ago, and on the one hand it made me very miserable and it was completely unhealthy. But on the other hand, I got 3 A's at A Level, and an an offer from Oxford, and my obsession may have had something to do with that. There were moments of joy as well as sadness - the foolish hope felt wonderful as long as I didn't tell myself that it was foolish - and when I was in those moods I got things done.
But anyway, that sort of motivation is something I need at the moment, since recently I have been feeling very apathetic and lazy and unmotivated. If I give myself a semi-imaginary love interest, I might be able to get more work done and keep the house cleaner and eat better, on good days. There's bound to be plenty of misery as well, but it's nothing I haven't coped with before. And it might be a refreshing change from just feeling very flat and apathetic all the time.
Or is that the most stupid idea anyone has ever had? What do you think?
Well, I can just say that I've done this many times myself, and I'm sure will do it again. I'm doing it right now.
I think everyone needs to keep a little fantasy/obession if you are otherwise a mentally sound person.
It's a private little pleasure....no one elses business.
Any chance of getting hooked up with a girl who isn't dating someone else? Seems to me that all this pining and obsessing is just an awfully poor substitute for the real thing.
And then she starts kissing you, and you say...wh what? But what about <name>? And then she says, I've already asked him, it's ok...and then it's all downhill.
blacksmithn wrote:Any chance of getting hooked up with a girl who isn't dating someone else? Seems to me that all this pining and obsessing is just an awfully poor substitute for the real thing.
Obviously I'd prefer "the real thing". But I'm too picky and I have no social skills.
That's a combination sure to lead to a life of celibacy.
Lack of social skills and choosiness are difficulties readily overcome. Maybe you need to examine why a life of pining and obsessing over relationships that can never be fulfilled is preferable to a real relationship. You may protest that, of course, they're not, but your actual behavior indicates otherwise.
Too picky! You chose a girl with a bf to focus your attentions on.
Pick a girl working at Starbucks or something. Still safe, you can crush and go shopping for cologne and get all that energy roaring. Then if you feel really brave you can ask her out. Got to practice sometime, might as well be now.
Your confidence could suffer from choosing the wrong ones to crush on. At least give yourself some real hope and risk. Pretty soon you'll be wondering 'I was afraid of that?'
Anyhow, I've done some pining too when needing an escape. Escape world is so seductive once you get there though.
Well, I don't know Argotes entire situation, but I never let my private fantasy romances interfer with the real thing.
I'm not entirely sure, but I think I understand what he's saying. The part of "I want to pine..." That doesn't necessarily make you unhappy, but, as he said, can enable you to become more focused.
I don't know, maybe I am nuts too.
I don't flirt with men, but I can have a relationship with them in my mind. I'm very happily married too.
He can look for a "real" girl at the same time. I don't think his imaginary romance will get in the way of being attracted to an available woman. Again, it never kept me from finding a real guy. The fantasy boyfriend stays just that.
blacksmithn wrote:Lack of social skills and choosiness are difficulties readily overcome. Maybe you need to examine why a life of pining and obsessing over relationships that can never be fulfilled is preferable to a real relationship. You may protest that, of course, they're not, but your actual behavior indicates otherwise.
Well, the pining is for a real relationship... clearly that is what I want.
flushd wrote:Too picky! You chose a girl with a bf to focus your attentions on.
Well I didn't choose her... it just happened. When I say I'm picky, what I mean is there aren't many girls that I'm ever really interested in. There are billions of girls I find sexually attractive, but that's not enough. It's rare that I meet a girl that I really like - that's what I mean by picky.
Chai Tea wrote:He can look for a "real" girl at the same time. I don't think his imaginary romance will get in the way of being attracted to an available woman. Again, it never kept me from finding a real guy. The fantasy boyfriend stays just that.
That sounds sort of promising. The "real" girl will seem like second best though, won't she?
agrote wrote:That sounds sort of promising. The "real" girl will seem like second best though, won't she?
Nope, she certainly won't.
That's because you know the difference between real and imagination, and you know imagination has no limits on how perfect something is, and it's just silly to expect reality to live up to those standards.
Her being an actual person will make her all that more interesting, more intellectually challenging. The unexpected can be much more fun, not to mention something real in your touch is much better.
Chai Tea wrote:That's because you know the difference between real and imagination, and you know imagination has no limits on how perfect something is, and it's just silly to expect reality to live up to those standards.
Her being an actual person will make her all that more interesting, more intellectually challenging. The unexpected can be much more fun, not to mention something real in your touch is much better.
Don't forget that this girl is a real person... she has a boyfriend, but she's still flesh and blood. I'm probably projecting my fantasies onto her, though... I guess I don't know her that well.
chai tea- can i ask, you said about fantasy/obesession with other people being normal.
is it also normal to do that when you are in a happy relationship?
Do you have social anxiety? This would all make a lot more sense if you do, and I'd be able to relate.
Chai, I get what you're saying, but it is different if there is social apprehension/anxiety in the mix. It can be an avoidance thing, not very helpful really.
flushd wrote:Do you have social anxiety? This would all make a lot more sense if you do, and I'd be able to relate.
Yes. Well, I haven't been diagnosed with it or anything (too scared to go and see a counsellor :wink: ), but I am terribly shy.
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