Help I have fallen, My 11 year old hates me!

Binky--

Your daughter is behaving like an unhappy child.

Her parents are divorced--and the divorce is unpleasant.

Your description of her tantrum this weekend sounds more like the behavior of a frustrated toddler than a pre-teen. Yes, she was out of control and said hateful things to you--and possibly to her stepfather as well. She did this because she is unhappy.

Rather than arguing you love your daughter so much that you are willing to undergo the inconvenience of moving her out of her new room, why not announce that you love your daughter so much that no matter what is happening with your new husband, your stepson or the new baby you and your daughter are going out for sodas and conversation every single Saturday at 11 a.m.?

You would not be rewarding her for bad behavior. You would be contributing to her happiness and preventing more bad behavior.

Your seven year old should also have guaranteed Private Parent time every weekend.

From your description of their father's house, they don't seem to have a lot of attention or love during the week. During weekends, you must do what you can to bring their lives back into balance.

I am not trying to ungrateful for all the advice, but I don't think everyone understands one thing. I have quality time with my daughters. I spend one on one time with them.
We have movie time, we go garage saleing, we do crafts and our nails. I even took them out for pedicures. If you look at when they are here and soccer practice and soccer practice and soccer practice and games there isn't a whole lot of time do do a whole lot of stuff. In addition, I have no family here so I have no one to help watch the kids. My husband usually works weekends.
Sometimes they go so much I don't mind giving them down time to just chill and color or create jewlery with beads and watch TV. It's not like I am napping while we have our weekend visits and the 11 year old is watching the baby.
My daughter just did this behavior the other day. There has never been anything so severe not even close, if she has acted out 10 times in 16 months I would be suprised. She is a great kid. She is always the first to help with her brother because she loves him. She even wanted her 11 year old pictures taken with him. I think everyone has a diffrent and negative picture of what the relationship is. Until Sunday she was calling me all the time at home and work, wanting to talk and not hang up. She wanted and kept asking her dad to let her come over.
The new developement is she went home to dads, they called the police and said that I smacked her. This is my x husbands idea of parenting.
Once again, unfounded charges. He let her tell lies and he encouraged it, all for his benefit.
I am very comfortable with the relationship and bond I have with my daughters, the other day was not like her at all.

Binky--

Your first post indicated a major problem. Now you say there is no problem.

I'm a little confused.

Okay. My thoughts are organized now. Here is what I'd like to say.

Sometimes, ya just need to step back from an involved situation and take a deep breath. Then assess the situation objectively. I wonder if you can do that without defensiveness.

Your daughter is a child. Not an adult. Maybe that is becoming blurry bc of circumstances. Really, I have no intention or desire at all to make you feel bad or 'nail you down' about anything you have done not done. I only know that IF she is unintentionally being forgotten or unintentionally given the responsibilities/expectations of an adult - it will negatively affect her. And she is acting out now, so maybe there is a corrolation.

I don't see her calling all the time and not wanting to hang up, or trying to get herself in a pic with her brother as an indication of how well she is doing - I see it as needy approval seeking behavior.

But that's just me, and if you stick around here a while you may find that I speak how i see it even if it is sometimes jumping the gun. At least it generates movement.

The entire video taping her scenario scared the crap out of me. That is inappropriate. I don't care what is going on with the grown-ups.

Whatever is going on between your ex, your ex's mom, your hubby-other kids-baby-your time- your whatever:

She is a kid. She should be insulated against that crap as much as possible. She needs one-on-one attention and caring. She needs to know she is important. She needs to feel she has a voice that will be heard through all noise and not forgotten by omission.

At 11 years old emotions often rule over eloquence of speech. It's damn hard to tell a grown-up what you mean even under the best of circumstances.

Especially since you say your ex hubby is a powerful negative influence on her. If he is, all the more need she would have for a safe place to express herself.

You could be putting superhuman efforts into keeping things running and she still may be missing out. Let's face it, you have a lot on the go and on your mind.

Maybe
she isn't okay. Maybe she is lost and scared of what is happening around her. Maybe she needs her mom's love and attention more than ever right now.

She is seeing a therapist and she is a child. Ding ding ding. Clue right there.

Maybe not. But wouldn't it seem foolish to ignore that possibility when it could mean the happiness and well-being of your little girl?

And if she is needing a safe place more than ever right now - punishing her too hard could hurt her.

Just consider the situation carefully please. That's all my post is asking. Don't dismiss it even though that would be the easy, and least guilt-inducing thing to do.

As an aside; i grew up in a home where i was 'a great kid' until one day I burst. Don't take everything at face value. Kids don't like to 'burden' their parents with their troubles. You have to take a lot of time sometimes to get that stuff in the open. You may be shocked at what is going inside her head!

Best wishes.

Then that is reason to take the situation seriously. Obviously, something is going on with her that is causing her to behave this way. If I were her mother I would be trying damned hard to find out what it is.



I don't think I'd be comfortable with the bond I had with my daughter if she was telling the police that I slapped her. I will say again that it sounds like she is in distress. This has nothing to do with what you have or have not done to parent her. Obviously, you don't have much control over what happens to her at your ex's house. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to find out. You said your daughter still has accidents. That's a huge flag for me. Has she seen a doctor about it?

I clearly don't know much about your life or your schedule but I can say that if I were presented with this behavior in my child, I would fear that something major is going on with her and would try to schedule some one-on-one time with her to find out what it is. Even if I'm wrong and it's just preteen hormones, this is an age where she really needs you. She's going to go through puberty soon, she's entering the bridge to adulthood, she's entering middle school (or has already). This is a major time in her life and she's not getting the adult guidance at dad's house, it appears. Can you take her to lunch, just the two of you? You don't have to grill her with tough questions, just provide her the opportunity to say what's on her mind, without the distractions of her hectic life.