Help I have fallen, My 11 year old hates me!

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How to do I put this in the long story short version. I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage. They are now 11 and 7 and were 4 and 7 when we separated. Let's just say dad x tells them way to much, along with his family.. including how much they don't like me. He tells them about the courts, calls Childrens Services all because he doesn't want me to see them at all.
Well, through this all I have put my children first and take the high road. Ask anyone who knows me!
Last year this time I found out I was pregnant. I am remarried and have been with him 3 years. And yes, my kids love my new hubby. We also have his son who is 4 full time (no mother involved, I am mommy and he doesn't know). CONFUSED YET?
I had a son in June and so last year we made the carport into a garage and half into a room for my oldest. We had problems with her sneaking snack food during the night and hiding it everywhere in her room (the wrappers) and I mean everywhere. We took care of it and the baby came my daughters are thrilled... great helpers and my 11 year old is like a little mom. I spend lots of time still with my girls and haven't missed any soccer games or practices so it's not about feeling left out. BUT .. my 11 year old is having problems with his mother being all BOOT CAMP on her and she has been acting out. We had a problem with her on Sunday and there were the dreaded words I HATE YOU.. because I wanted her to clean up and take off the expensive jacket I didn't want at dads house.. there was the whole debate blah blah..I thought when they came back on Tuesday it would be okay, she would apologize NO SUCH LUCK... it was worse. I lost count on how many times I heard I hate you, your evil, call 911 your abusing me, You're a blank, You never loved me. I remained calm, but while she was behaving this way we told her we lost the privilege of having her own room ** this went on for 2 hours with screaming, yelling, running out of the house, pushing past me with baby in arms etc***
SO HERE IS THE QUESTION, because everything else I have solutions for... Do I take the room and put her and her sister back in their original room, Keep her in her room but move her sister in?????????? and they are not her full time. Not even half. I have learned never to make empty threats. We gave her so many chances but she was the worst I have ever seen her with no remorse as to watch she was saying and she got her sister involved. Please help, be honest but not brutally, already been knocked down with the I hate you part! Confused

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I got "I dream of killing you" when my daughter was 14.

At 18 I get hugs.

1. Tell your daughter that sometimes parents make mistakes, and that she wont always agree with decisions that get made. however it is important for her to understand that you are trying to make sensible decisions that are good for all the family.

Hang in there.

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I dream of killing you..... Shocked

That's a good one, I wish I'd have come up with that.

I could probably work that into a conversation with someone today.

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Yeah, don't take the 'I hate you' to heart. Uh oh, you've got a preteen on yo hands...and a girl!

I don't know about your bolded Q. You and hubby probably have a good idea of what is best, and it kinda seems like no choice at all. Either way, she will lose her solo room priveledge and be with sister.

Wondering what you meant by momma being all BOOT CAMP on her? Laughing

Has she been getting a lot of **** lately, i mean, excessively so that the negative attention lately is more than the good?

You seem to be doing pretty good!

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My x husbands 70 year old mother is always at his house. And she is always on my daughter. Besides the fact they have always talked bad about me in front of them she is always yelling at her.. not that she probably doens't deserve it sometimes but one day she even took off in the car down the road and made her run after them. She use to have a great relationship with her grandma but when she is at the house it's not fun. It's now to the point she is not allowed to talkto GMA or eat her food or come out of her room because she has disrespected her so much. I blame it on my x because instead of co-parenting with me, he makes his mother drive over 100 miles to watch the girls. And for the record, my daughter still has accidents and Grandma still washes her between the legs.! Figure that one out!

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Definitely counseling. Yes, she's a preteen and some of this is normal but she sounds like she is taking her anger out on you because she can't express herself at dad's house. If she's still having accidents, barring a medical problem, then she is in distress.

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Unfortunatley my daughters have been in counseling to cope with the divorce and she went to one of the best. But she won't talk to him.
I don't get involved in what my x does at his house or talk bad about him or his mother, I might tell her that we dont' agree with something they did or said. I have better things to do with my daughters than bash dad in front of them. They will know soon enough what the real situation is. I just have to wait till then. But I still dont' know what to do about the bedroom issue. Should I move her, make her share with her sister again.???

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If you said you would move her then mover her. I still think there is a lot more going on here and I think you need to find out what it is. That doesn't at all required you to bash her dad.

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tough one. grandma is crossing some serious boundaries there, i think you should have a talk with x about that.
as for the room, dunno. can you ask your daughter how she would deal with the situation if she was in your shoes? get her to see it from your perspective... ugh, i don't have any other brilliant ideas, just expressing support.

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There is a reason I am divorced, well several. One being that grandma has always crossed the line and he has always stood by his mother. He is a momma's boy through and through. He doesn't care what he tells the kids, he wants them to not want to be with me. He just told them they were moving to Georgia even though he can't legally.

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well yes, but when grandma's behavior (knowingly or unknowingly) crosses over to border on abuse or psychological damage, it becomes serious. your daughter could have to deal with consequences for lifetime.

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Department of Children and Families is keeping a close eye on him. He keeps calling them on me as part of his get the kids away strategy. But during the course of divorce he has been proven to be the mental abuser.

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Binkyboo--

Let me see if I have the facts straight. You have been divorced for four years and have two daughters who are now 11 and seven. Your present husband came with a stepson, now 4, and together you have a baby who is now four months old.

You have custody, but your ex-husband has the girls on weekends. He turns them over to his mother to watch and she alternately spoils them and abuses them. Both your ex-husband and his mother try to turn the girls against you.

Recently your older daughter came home from visiting her father and got into a shrieking, screaming fight with you using hateful language.
You want to know whether she should lose her private room as punishment.

First: Your seven year old has some rights. Taking away a room from the eleven year old means that your seven year old will be sharing living quarters with a very moody pre-teen. This doesn't seem fair to her.

Second: I gather during that shrieking, screaming fight that tempers were lost on both sides. This must have been hurtful for everyone, both combatants and non-combatants.

Third: Your husband and ex-mother-in-law treat this child as a pawn and an object to be manipulated.

Personally, I'm inclined to allow each girl to have a separate room. You say that they are seeing a therapist. What does the therapist say about this whole unhappy mess?

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i agree with noddy, provided that we still know very little of the complicated situation.

it sounds like the 11 year old needs support and love, rather than punishment at the moment. she may need assurance, something to fall back on in the tough age she's in and tough situation she finds herself in.

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Re: Help I have fallen, My 11 year old hates me!
Yes. That's a fine summary of the situation, Noddy, thanks.

When I first read it, this jumped out at me:

binkyboo wrote:

We took care of it and the baby came my daughters are thrilled... great helpers and my 11 year old is like a little mom. I spend lots of time still with my girls and haven't missed any soccer games or practices so it's not about feeling left out.

Two different things. First -- does your 11 year old WANT to be a little mom? How does that work out? How much responsibility is given and how much freedom does she have to be an 11-year-old (and not a little mom)?

Second, the older kids can easily feel left out/ have issues with the new situation -- new stepdad, new sibling -- even if soccer games and practices are attended. It goes a whole lot deeper than that.

There are so many issues here though that ultimately Noddy's last line is the only real response I can muster -- obviously therapy is called for, great that you're doing it, what does the professional (with a great deal more information than we have, presumably) have to say about it?

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Easiest way to put it is that Dad (ex) has primary custody girls live there we have weekends and holidays (had a good lawyer and lied but thats besides the point)

Ex wont co parent and probally feels that this whole situation is to his advantage that the girls dislike or even worse hate there mom

I wouldnt go as far as saying the grandparents spoil them but they are told way to many things about the divorce and speak bad about there mom ( i could elaborate but its to hard to really repeat but you get my drift)

The eleven year old is a good helper with the baby and we dont ask alot of her at all she only sees the baby on weekends and once during the week both girls

4 year old son and the baby live with us full time

The things she said and the I dont care attitude really makes warrent for some major changes in certain privelages

We made the eleven year old her own room but after these attacks this weekend and fair warning of consequences we have to be the Parents if they are not gonna be punished at there dads house (like i said he is probally eating this all up and hopeing the girls will side with him)

Then we have to have them realize that there are consequences for lying and temper tantrums and total disrespect for me and Hubby We have given them every oppurtunity to stop and apologize sincerely and the attacks just contiuned she wanted everything her way .So hubby got the video camera out and taped for two reasons 1. So she could see how she has behaved and 2. to protect us cause she will lie and make up elaborate stories to her dad ..So taping shows the TRUTH

No yelling from mom or stepdad just straight talking and explaing these behaviors are not tolerated here or anywhere

We feel that we made the Threat of what her actions were gonna cost her (meaning we said you will loose your own room) we should stick to our words for atleast a while its worth the inconvience of moving everybody even though it is really Devistating us (moving the kids room)

Binky

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I don't know what to say right now. Rare moment. Counting on Noddy and the other well spoken women to say the right thing.

Listening, though.

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I have kind of the same reaction, flushd, so rather than addressing the whole shebang I'll just follow up on what I asked earlier:

binkyboo wrote:

The eleven year old is a good helper with the baby and we dont ask alot of her at all she only sees the baby on weekends and once during the week both girls

That's not really the point. It's not how much work it is for your 11-year-old, in total, but how much time she gets to spend with YOU as opposed to taking care of the baby or knowing that you're watching the soccer game. I mean, don't get me wrong, being there for the soccer game is important. But there are a lot of other things that are important to that you seem to be glossing over. And again, that could just be the telling, I understand that it's a long and complicated story and it's impossible to get it all in. But there is a lot of room in what you've said here for a situation in which you're not spending enough time with your daughters in the brief time they're alotted, (which has to be its own issue, itself -- only weekends with their mom and then their dad's too busy for them the rest of the time) and they're reacting to that (especially the 11-year-old).

In terms of a more general reaction I think I'm still where I was before (and which Noddy said first) -- what does your therapist say about all of this?

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Help I have fallen, My 11 year old hates me!

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