They call me Mom, James Mom.

Congrats, boomer. And good for Mo.

Perhaps the next time someone from bio-mom's side of the family calls, you can let them know that you need to speak to her before any further arrangements are made with Mo - and can they please tell her to get in touch with you.

That should goose somebody.

I dunno. I'm thinking maybe they DO know but think that it changes nothing. Maybe you could find a way to have a sit down and discuss "new arrangements" now that the adoption is final. Say you want to work out a way to keep them informed about Mo and for Mo to stay in contact with them and his sisters. Emphasize the sisters so they know that it's hard to stomach going out of your way to include them in Mo's life when the same effort isn't made for him with regard to the twins.

My take is that while they are his bio family, they opted out of his life. No one rushed forward to adopt him or try and help his bio mom keep him. Maybe I don't know the whole story (probably don't) but in any case, I can't STAND it when bio parents try and interfere with the childs real parents. And by real, I mean the ones who are not carrier and sperm doner but are mom and dad.

I know that sounds awful, but they need to realize that YOU are his family now and that they come second to YOU.

I guess I feel like I can say that because I know you won't just say "HA! Mine!" and never let them see him again.

But I see no problem in saying that the holiday's are YOURS and only YOURS. If they want to see Mo, they can call you and you can arrange a meeting. They can be a part of his life without being intrusive.

Oh and congrats!!!!!!!!!!

Boy, I sound like a real heartless bitch, don't I?

I guess it's the whole "what boomer went though to get here" thing. I'd hate for someone to mess that up.

I'm agreeing with FreeDuck and Bella. I've followed the Perils of Mo since Abuzz days, and all this caring and bonding sound a bit after the fact - sort of like a jailhouse conversion just before the parole board convenes.

Yeah, and you could also explain how disruptive it is for Mo to have to split up his holidays.

I would just assume that they do know about the adoption and then proceed as if you need to revisit the holiday situation with that in mind. If they act surprised then it's your turn to act surprised. What? She didn't tell you? Sorry, I thought you knew.

Yeah Boomer, you have earned with flying colors and leaps and bounds the right to be the one calling the shots.

Boomer--

I think you have two problems, wrapped up together.

The first is Christmas. This problem is taken care of. You have plans, you have tickets, you're going out of town. To my mind there isn't a lot of difference between Parent of Fact and Legal Adoptive Parent. The family with custody makes holiday plans.

As for Little Miss Dodge Reality BioMom. First she gave up her responsibilities to Mo and then she signed away her rights. Ideally she'd be your mouthpiece with the Bio Family, but this world is not ideal.

Obviously, communication is not BioMom's Forte. If you want to keep Mo in touch with her family and with his sisters, you're going to have to do it.

You get to call the shots--and then announce the shots.

Happy Holidays! Hold your dominion.

And don't forget to take a shot somewhere in between. :wink:

I'm sorry it took me so long to get back here. Thank you all for your comments.

Our travel plans are for Thanksgiving so I will still have Christmas to deal with.

I don't want to cut him out of any holiday celebrations they might want to include him in but I also would like for our family to start establishing our own traditions - ones that aren't Mo go here, Mo go there, Mo see people he only hears from on the holidays and doesn't really know how to deal with.

I think I'm going to have to wait until we get a bit closer to the holidays and talk to Mo about what he wants to do and take my cue from him: if he wants to go, fine; if he doesn't, I'll do the dirty work of letting them know.

Boomer--

Your plan makes sense.

Don't be afraid to make your own plans early and then schedule the Fringes of the Family around your convenience.

Ah-ha!

I think I have figured it out!!!!!!!!!!!

So.

Mo's p-biogrands were supposed to pick him up today. Mo had spent a great deal of time making a birthday card for p-biograndma. They cancelled at the last minute (due to illness).

Mo insisted we mail the birthday card. I addressed it filling in the return as "Mo B" followed by our address.

"Mo B."!?

Eureka!

We always send out Christmas cards and this year the return will be Mo B. If they pay any attention they will notice this.

It won't surprise the p-bios but it is the m-bios that have had me scratching my head.

Does this sound okay or am I being a chicken?

You're being a chicken.

Take a page from Bitchy Bella. Be straighforward, honest and keep it short. Make it clear that you don't have a problem with them seeing Mo, if that is what he decides he wants, but that it will have to be around your plans.

You will have to stand up for Mo for many years to come. You have to buck up. He'll be watching and learning how to stand up for himself, so make him proud.

You can do this! You've already gone through tougher things. What are they gonna do? It will be by phone. They aren't gonna hurt you.

I hate you squinney. You're always right.

I know I'm being chicken and for the life of me I can't figure out why this is so hard for me.

I swear -- I used to fire people and they would hug me and thank me upon their firing. I'm tactfull. I'm good with words. Firing them made me happy but they still felt good about it. I never sugar-coated it. I told them what was what. They respected me for that.

Why can't I do this?

I just don't want to hurt biomom I guess.

She is the one who should tell them and if she cant.......

You have to.

Sigh.

Biomom can't--because she isn't grown up yet.

You have to--Mo deserves to grow up strong.

Yep.

What the wise women said.

boom, I think you said what needs to be said here. the most important part is "establish our own traditions"

Send out early xmas cards with a note saying

"As you may be aware our adoption of Mo was finally legaliised on such and such a date. We definitly don't want to cut him out of any holiday celebrations you might want to include him in completely but I also would like for our family to start establishing our own traditions. To this end please feel free to call us and let us know if you would like to include Mo in your plans. We will offer these suggestions to Mo however the decision remains with us and will be dependant on our own families plans.
Look forward to hearing from you soon.
regards the Boomers.

Boomer - are you feeling some obligation to bio family or at least biomom tied to their having provided you with Mo? Avoiding hurting them/her because you feel a debt of gratitude? Are you feeling the need to protect biomom? Or her family from having to acknowledge their daughter didn't turn out so well? Are you protecting biomom as a connection to protecting Mo? Are you feeling guilty? I think if you can figure out why you don't want to have to be the one to tell them, you'll be able to acknowledge that and then move beyond it, reason through it.

It's no longer about asking biomom to do what she should. You are Mom now, so you should.

I went through similar biomom situation with Bears oldest son. When I finished with the not hurting anyones feelings, avoiding conflict, going with the flow at the expense of both him and me, and blew up everyone was shocked. Cub and I were relieved. Decisions were forced that in the end worked out best for all involved. I had to acknowledge that I couldn't make her be a better mom. And I couldn't keep feeling guilty for taking her place.

So, figure out why you hesitate (fear?) to tell them. Then do it. No pussy footing, cards, return labels. Just give them a call and tell them you realized after your last conversation that perhaps they were not aware...

Pfft. As strong and "together" as yu are... You're gonna laugh at yourself afterwards for fretting so much over this.