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Fri 20 Oct, 2006 02:28 pm
My step son had some birth problems, some delays, may have adhd, may be some other type of problem... The school is aware, our family therapist is aware, his dad is aware, but whatever it is, it's minimized here at home. He simply doesn't think of the consequences of his actions. After a bout of unsafe behavior last summer, I made sure our baby isn't left in his care unless someone else is in the same room supervising him w/her, and that has kept her safe since then, but yesterday something completely unexpected happened: he let my parakeet out of its cage. It has been a caged bird for its whole life. It seemed to prefer the cage to being out (I tried to make it a friendlier bird when I first got it, but it liked staying in its cage, so I left it there.) I had the bird 4 years. I got home last night and was told he had just taken it out, and it flew away into the trees. We have a cat and so does the neighbor. It's not likely to last long in the wild. I am very sad. I am angry about him thinking he could do such a thing. His dad's suggestion at punishment was to make him buy me a new bird. I don't want another bird! I don't want this to be another nonconsequence! I don't want him to buy another bird and then feel even more entitled to let it out of a cage I'm incredibly angry, almost speechless over this. He's always so sorry, but it's almost one-dimensional. And if he does feel the correction deeply, it's led to him becoming so distraught his father goes overboard comforting him (which is one reason I didn't make a big deal out of it, simply pointed out that my bird is as good as dead and that no, I don't want it replaced.) I'm beginning to not want to be here, but we have a baby together, and without documentation that this 8 year old is unsafe for her to be around, if I were to leave, my partner would want partial custody and probably get it, so she would be in too much risk for me to ever seriously leave... So, I am stuck in this situation being step mother to a boy who has broken a car window, stepped on a 4 month old baby, pinched a 9 month old baby, shaken a 9 month old baby, stepped out in front of traffic on a street nearby, can't tell nice kids who'll play w/him from the ones who'll throw rocks at him. The family therapist said that I have to treat every day as a potentially dangerous day for him, that he will forget the rules, just as he does the rules to complete his homework, that some days he will be fine and able to do everything independently, but other days, maybe most days, he will need supervision at every step along the way. There are other, physical, problems. I love(d) his father, I thought blending would improve all our lives. Maybe I was persuaded by the idea of having a baby (I love having babies!) But I really thought this was all going to be a good thing, that I could help my partner and this child, that my partner would help my children and me. And we are helping to the best of our abilities, but we overestimated our abilities and underestimated our partner's impediments. I want to want to be here, but I'm beginning to want to be here less. It's going to be disasterous if I don't change my attitude! I expected to shake off my negativity with the new day, but today I felt it like a mantle around my shoulders. Chocolate and a donut didn't shake it off, and I must parent in spite of this heavy feeling. I need to get it together, be the best mom/stepmom/partner/pet owner I can be, in spite of the obstacles in my way. Any ideas how I can do this?
Just reading along with sympathy, Princesspupule. I have no gems of wisdom to offer, I'm sorry. Hang in there. /hw
This is quite a difficulty and I don't have any thoughtful remedies right now.
It bothers me somewhat that you - for good reasons - see yourself as trapped as far as options. I say this while understanding why you do.
All I can suggest is talking to some expert(s) - just whom I don't know - about the matter of protection for your baby if there would be visitation if you would walk from the situation. Even if you stay, protection of the baby and others is a potential problem with the boy's behavior being what it is. I know you work hard to alleviate things.. but the boy is getting older and stronger. Going may not be "worse" than staying.
Also it seems like with all of that documentation of problems it might be reasonable to have a condition of custody be that your daughter and this boy not be together unattended -- but I understand that's easier said than done.
Yikes.
Not a fun situation, PP, sorry you're in it.
That is part of what I was getting at, a condition of custody.
Documentation, keeping a list - that is a good idea in itself, I think, for both dealing with help for the boy, and what to do about leaving or not.
Has he been properly diagnosed with ADHD and therefore can he try medication?
Really sorry to hear about your troubles.
x
I gather that the eight-year-old has always been an impulsive person? I'm guessing from the hostility shown towards his baby sister that right now he's a jealous, impulsive person.
Whatever his character, like any other seven or eight year old he should not be left alone in charge of a baby. He's just barely out of babyhood himself.
Unfortunately his father doesn't seem to be very aware of his son's needs for love and for order. All kids need structure and unhappy, impulsive kids need more structure than most other kids.
He's undoubtedly picking up on the extra tension in the house with your older stepson and his girlfriend moving in. Your husband's haphazard approaches to discipline and to household repairs aren't helping, either.
You can't change your stepson or his father. You can do your damnest to create serenity in your living conditions. This may nor may not result in indirect changes in your stepson.
Is your fiance aware of just how flat out disgusted you are with the chaos in your daily (I nearly typed "deadly") life? You two are seeing a therapist about your blending problems. What does the therapist say about the eight year old and his problems?
Dorothy Parker wrote:Has he been properly diagnosed with ADHD and therefore can he try medication?
Really sorry to hear about your troubles.
x
No proper diagnosis. My partner is adamant that such diagnoses are more harmful than useful... And, since if I were to leave, I would use such documentation to impinge on his freedom to parent as he might see fit, you can see how he may have a point...
Ftr, the therapist said the boy might outgrow his impulsive behavior, but then again, he might not... And she sees him as a very loving brother, not malicious or jealous (not overly jealous,) he's just impulsive and doesn't always get cause and effect or consequences without constant repetition...
Noddy24 wrote:I gather that the eight-year-old has always been an impulsive person? I'm guessing from the hostility shown towards his baby sister that right now he's a jealous, impulsive person.
Whatever his character, like any other seven or eight year old he should not be left alone in charge of a baby. He's just barely out of babyhood himself.
Unfortunately his father doesn't seem to be very aware of his son's needs for love and for order. All kids need structure and unhappy, impulsive kids need more structure than most other kids.
He's undoubtedly picking up on the extra tension in the house with your older stepson and his girlfriend moving in. Your husband's haphazard approaches to discipline and to household repairs aren't helping, either.
You can't change your stepson or his father. You can do your damnest to create serenity in your living conditions. This may nor may not result in indirect changes in your stepson.
Is your fiance aware of just how flat out disgusted you are with the chaos in your daily (I nearly typed "deadly") life? You two are seeing a therapist about your blending problems. What does the therapist say about the eight year old and his problems?
See, the boy's behavior isn't based on hostility. He just forgets or doesn't recognise dangerous behavior unless you repeat a thing specifically. And if somebody else starts doing something, he copies them but doesn't know his own strength and it can often become a problem (except that he's a little guy, due to Hirshsprung's Disease, so it's only a problem w/kids much younger than he is.) I guess I answered what the therapist said about K's behavior to DP (oops
) She thinks he may outgrow it if it's handled carefully, in a similar way to how he's learning to read and do math (with much hands-on practice) but, otoh, she isn't sure the hands-on practice will amount to significant improvement academically, either. He's only in 3rd grade, so we're really working w/him (Mostly his dad, his older brother + the brother's gf, who is living w/us... I stopped wanting to after some disasterous exchanges between the boy and myself... I mainly speak up when it's about how to clean himself or when he comes out wearing somebody else's clothes or if he's acting unsafely.)
His dad is very aware of K's need for love and order. I have been deemed not loving enough, nor orderly enough, to be much good at this point. I must say my ability to love the little guy changed after he shook my baby in Italy and my partner got madder at my 15 yr old for shouting and stopping him than he was toward his 8 yr old for shaking the baby. It flipped a switch for me right then. Flipped it toward my partner, too. That was the last straw for me to attempt blending w/out an expert's intervention... My heart is guardedly into blending since then. Needless to say, things've gone to hell in a handbasket since then. At least B (my partner) is willing to see a therapist w/me! There is cursory effort on both our parts to make things work, but we have fallen into our old habits and they aren't exactly helping us please each other or make things work beyond the perfunctory level (does that even make sense?) I think we've fallen into "fake it 'til we make it," mode. It all seemed a heroic and romantic notion, to save each other's family, to take two broken halves and make something which would fly and be better than what we had individually... I think we overestimated and underestimated, but now we added a life in under the misguided notion that more love benefit us all, or something li'dat...
No answers here either, PP, but I'm sorry you're going through all this.
It probably isn't a bad idea to start documenting things, just in case. You won't have corroboration on some of it, but your 15 year old can attest to the shaking and probably to some of the other things if it comes to that.
Good luck!
PP--
You certainly have a plateful of complications.
Take one day at a time--just one day at a time.
Hold your dominion.
You're really in a tough place, pp.
My only advice is to break everything down in pieces and determine what's important for you and what's important for your children's happiness and well-being, the children you gave birth to, and then, act accordingly. In the end, this is where your true responsibility lies. If it means that you can't stay there any longer, that your needs are not being met, or the needs of your children, then that is, unfortunately, what it means and it may be time to find somewhere else for you and your children to live. No one can determine that but you.
Sometimes girlfriend, it's every woman for herself.
I'm sorry.
I can't understand to some extent what you are going through. My 4 year old son has been kicked out of 3 day cares, and when I had my baby all I could picture was him going to the crib and smacking the baby. My husband doesn't want to parent. Or punish he wants to be his friend. (he is my step son but he is with us full time). I talk to many many people about his behavior and finally something clicked while talking to a nurse who works in a pediatricians office. It is called ODD, Oppositional Defianance Disorder. Read up on it, there is medication for it. Maybe it will help. I am sorry about the bird. Try to find some way to keep your marriage but not feel like a prisoner. I am struggling to.
Do something for yourself, light your favorite candle and enjoy some more chocolate. And when your able, make sure you lay the law down with both of them and reward him with praise of good behavior. Maybe play cars with him or watch a movie. Also, maybe the book 1 2 3 magic will help. I read it when my daughters were young and now my husband is reading it. It has helped him. Good luck. If it's not against the forum rules I can give you my email address. We can chat.
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