Is it common to "outgrow" your spouse?

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I have been married for almost three years (this time). It's not like I am new to the whole marriage thing, I was married for almost 13 years prior and I have 4 boys... the youngest is 15. I am totally new to this, accidentally found A2K.

Anyway, when we met he liked to have too much fun... mostly partying. But it seemed ok because he was a single man with pretty much no responsibilities to worry about. I figured he'd grow up once he had a "family"... a life.

I don't know how much more I can take. He misses work on a regular basis. Won't help around the house... not even with projects that I think he'd enjoy. I hire my dad to do any work that I don't have time for. As far as finances... he blows all of his money while I take care of the bills and hand him money hand over fist.

I am finally at a point in my life where I feel things could really turn out good. Bought a house last year, have a job that pays well and I happen to enjoy. I have some small investments. Recently paid off several bills... some of his from before we were together. My credit is great... his sucks.

Oh my gosh... I could go on and on. It's not about the money. It's more about the feeling of him not caring and his lack of respect. He has a drinking problem too. Ok, I will stop for now and see if anyone may kind of know where I'm coming from. Did I just outgrow him?

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Re: Is it common to "outgrow" your spouse?
Hi runninglate, welcome to A2K!

runninglate wrote:

Anyway, when we met he liked to have too much fun... mostly partying. But it seemed ok because he was a single man with pretty much no responsibilities to worry about. I figured he'd grow up once he had a "family"... a life.

Unfortunately, that pretty much never ends well. Marry the person you see in front of you, not the one you hope that he or she might become, because all too often they DON'T and then what?

And sounds like the person you saw in front of you is the one who is in front of you now.

Why stay?

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Give his marching orders.

Either..... toe the line, make a contribution financially and physically.
spell out exactly what you want

Or...... Hit the road jack

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I hope I clicked on the right thing... not sure how to do this. Anyway, the person I married was not half as irresponsible as he is now. He led me to believe that he only really parties on weekends and that he wanted to improve his life. Another divorce would make me feel like such a loser. I am not perfect but I try to improve myself and my life every day.

I have told him how I feel and he seems to improve for a "minute" but then it goes right back to the way it was. Even simple things, for example he is a smoker and makes his own cigarettes. Every time he makes cigarettes he also makes a mess with tobacco all over. The kitchen table, the coffee table, even the bed when he is in there watching TV. I have begged him to at least pick that up... like I said... it works for a minute.

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Why stay?

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Why stay? Good question... again. Obviously I am on here complaining but he does have some really good qualities also. I do love him and I realize that all relationships take work. I keep thinking that there must be something I can do to get through to him.

Also, I am scared.

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Wow, I just realized the time. I have to go to work for a few hours very soon. That's another thing... he hates his job and I love mine. I think he is actually resentful for that.

I can't wait to come back and check this out some more. I spent hours reading posts before I signed up. I think I am going to like it here. Smile

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That's understandable. (About being scared.)

Really, from what you say it sounds like he was pretty bad when you married him and you hoped he'd get better, and he not only didn't get better, he got worse.

I always like counseling as a way to smooth a separation if not heal a rift, so even though this guy really sounds hopeless to me from what you've said, I recommend it here too.

As for your title question, I think people can grow out of relationships, sure. From what you say here, I'm not sure if you grew out of this so much as finally were faced with evidence that what you hoped would happen ain't gonna happen. But I guess recognizing that is a sign of maturity.

Good luck...!

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When i was younger I bought several cars that were absolute lemons. I bought them because I had very little experience. One I even thought I could fix up a bit I ended up spending so much money on this car it wan't worth it.
I bought these cars because i was inexperienced and optomisticly hopefull.

I too felt like a loser

Having those experiences behind me helped me to make better decisions.

Of course there is a big difference between cars and people.

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runninglate wrote:

Anyway, the person I married was not half as irresponsible as he is now. He led me to believe that he only really parties on weekends and that he wanted to improve his life.

I don't know the answer to this so you'll have to decide for yourself but is it possible that you are an enabler? Not that you've made a willful decision to enable his actions but that, simply by being there, his opportunities to slack have increased?

If he now has you to rely on to be responsible does that give him more freedom to be irresponsible?

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Have you tried letting him be and seeing what happens?

I mean...not paying all the bills. Not handing him money. Not searching for things you think he would enjoy and expecting him to do them. Not expecting to do everything yourself?

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flushd wrote:

Have you tried letting him be and seeing what happens?

I mean...not paying all the bills. Not handing him money. Not searching for things you think he would enjoy and expecting him to do them. Not expecting to do everything yourself?

Im thinking one of the issues here is that all of the money that goes to the bills is coming from HER account and HER check, and not his because he has squandered it.

It might be that if she doesnt pay the bills, the lights will be turned off.

But that is just a guess.

My thoughts is that Yes. A marriage does take work, but it takes equal amounts from equal sides and from your stand point , it doesnt feel or sound like he is working as much as you are. And that is a huge problem.

Even if both parties only want to put minimal effort in to a relationship, it needs to be an equal amount.

Is there a BIG age diffrence between you two?

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Quote:

Another divorce would make me feel like such a loser.

In 20 years, how would staying with him make you feel?

BTW, Welcome to A2K!

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shewolfnm wrote:

Im thinking one of the issues here is that all of the money that goes to the bills is coming from HER account and HER check, and not his because he has squandered it.

It might be that if she doesnt pay the bills, the lights will be turned off.

But that is just a guess.

That was my guess too. Except she is paying for him as well - squandering bill money on his beer and old bills!

My point was to see if she has ever allowed him to be accountable for his own actions in the relationship - or if she has been rescuing and taking care of him the entire time? You know, being controlling basically.

Maybe rather than a case of outgrowing, she chose someone she specifically knew she could feel superior over. Nice boost to the ego to feel someone needs you so baddd, oh how would they live without you?

It would seem unhelpful to dump him out on the streets now that she 'feels like she is going somewhere' after using him. Yup, using him. It's damn disrespectful to treat your spouse like they are incapable of providing.

Marriage has to mean something. At least trying to make things work - and I'm wondering if she has even tried to yet?

If she had tried already and he is how she says...he'd be on his own and out of that house by now.

-standing in as the resident jerk for a while --

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Wow, lots of interesting replies. I am going to like this place. I can't stay on long... again, but I wanted to check in.

flushd: I appreciate your view point but I was beyond needing an ego boost by the time we got together. Yes, I have been there before but at that time in my life things were going good. I have given him many opportunities to be accountable for his own actions. I will take a deeper look at myself though and think about what you said. Thanks.

phoenix: thanks for the welcome and the input. It is helpful to me to see things from many different perspectives.

Several of you indicated that I am in one way or another "helping" him be irresponsible. Maybe you are all right. I am going to try to be less of an enabler and see if that helps.

shewolf, dadpad, and sozobe... FYI: I read a lot of the "strings?" is that what you call them? I liked the way you all seem to give really honest opinions. It was part of what made me decide to join. I appreciate your opinions as well.

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Dont forget that some men are like children. My teenagers think there is a bottomless pit of money.
You need to be strong and say NO sometimes.

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@runninglate,

Hi.. I have been married for six years. Im 29 and my husband is 40. In the beginning we had soo much fun, partied alot. Lived without care and concern of course i was 20 or 21 when we met, and married at 23.. Throughout the yeats Ive been feeling like our ambitions are not the same. I dnt respect him because je is addicted to both cocaine and heroin. Im tired of being embarrassrd and feeling trapped. I know i have out grown this man and this marriage, but i still dnt kno wat to do..

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@runninglate,

Hi runninglate,

The person you date is the person you marry - especially when they are at least into their 30's, but perhaps around the 40 year old mark. Basically, the older they are when you first date them (including for the period after that) - the more likely that is exactly who they are.

Many women marry a man expecting they can change him. It usually fails (trying to change them)

Many men are on their best behaviour up until they get married - those usually end up unhappy.

But as others mentioned - if you want something, you have to go about moving towards it. That includes not enabling his behaviour. It may also include you speaking your mind more. And standing firm (even if any of this results in an argument - stand firm, respectfully towards him - for your needs). Otherwise you simply have to put up with his behaviour.

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Is it common to "outgrow" your spouse?

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