Mummy almost DIED real funny this is

It was real funny the first time I heard it, around 1972, and it was less and less funny all the times I heard it since. Now my mother is dead, it doesn't make me laugh at all. Funny that.

excuse me ?*? contrex ?*?
I didn't know that joke was so old !*!
I didn't mean to UPSET you !*!

I was only trying to use my account with this site to make people laugh !*!

but I see it hasn't done that with you !*!

Malm, I wouldn't worry, as you've done nothing wrong.

It would appear that contrex is/was having a grumpy day, and let fly when, IMO, he shouldn't have.
He obviously saw the thread (or joke) title, also saw that it was in the humour section, and it was HIS decision to click on it and read the joke.
He then admitted that it was funny, but that it was an old joke.

Why he then chose to make you feel bad by bringing his personal stuff into the equation, I don't know. If he is so sensitive about this subject, he shouldn't have entered your thread.

I have also heard the joke quite a while ago, but it is still quite amusing.

Please don't let this put you off from contributing to A2K in the future.

Nice to see another fellow Brit on board, by the way.

LE for president

Thankyou "Lord Ellpus"
Ok Ok
Everyone who has seen these jokes before I am sorry if you no longer see humor in them !*!

but you don't actually have to reply and tell me that kk thank you

and "Lord Ellpus" nice to see a fellow Brit in this also lol

Everything is relative. I remember my father telling my niece (at the time she was about 8) some very old jokes that probably dated back to vaudeville. My niece thought the jokes were hysterical and that my father was a comic genius (he's actually pathetically not funny). However, it was all new to her and thus she got a good laugh and we all laughed watching her laugh.

MALM, you might want to consider make one long joke thread instead of starting so many new ones.

Thankyou "Green Witch"
I will try that, thank you very much
that just never occured to me
im too tired to think at the moment lol
so ill try out your advice tomorrow

When I wrote this, I was actually joking! The bit about my mother was a J-O-K-E, guys. Dark humour, maybe. Dry certainly. Maybe you foreigners don't understand the English sense of humour. Sure seems that way!



I nearly ended, "especially since she died being f*cked by the milkman!" but I thought it was a bit tasteless for this forum. I should have included it, then maybe all the self-appointed web-forum wise guys wouldn't have needed to write all that cr*p.

A guy at the office told that joke, and I kept a straight face, and said, "My mother died last week" in a doleful voice. He went, "Oh God! Really?" and I said "No" and we all burst out laughing. Don't other cultures have humour like that?

no we don't
and what are you on about cultures for ?*?

We all like humor, but everyone likes it in their own way !*!
and what I got from you in that first reply ... wasn't exactly humor !*!

we scots like humour and so does every other culture hopefully.
also do you honestly beleive Englishmen are better than everyone else
because thats the picture I am getting from you, (especially after calling us foreigners) if this isn't the case i seriously advise you to think on how other people might Interpret your words, make every word in your reply's understood to their highest value and then we won't have this problem again kk ?*?

Sorry MALM, I got the idea you were a Yank. I didn't see your location. I love the Scots esp. Jack and Victor, and would never say a word against them.

An Aussie walks into a pub and announces to the barman, "Hey, mate! Have I got some terrific scottish jokes for you blokes".
The barman leans over to him and says "Listen; if I were you, I'd watch your tongue: All of the bouncers are scottish; I'm scottish, and I ain't no midget; and almost every man in here is scottish".
"Oh, that's okay," said the stranger cheerfully, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y.

gd joke
thats a pretty good joke dadpad, mean but good !*!

Not mean MALM designed to find out if you can laugh at yourself. It works better if it an irish pub.

Whats long and hard and f*cks englismen?

kindergarten!

Friends of ours just came back from a visit to Scotland (among other places) said glasgow was scary but the rest of the country was good. Ran into Billy Connelly at a restaurant.

At the circus, the ringmaster announces, "This evening, ladies and gentlemen, the lion-tamer will perform a daring act which has never been seen in public before! What's more, there'll be a chance for a lucky member of the audience to win a cash prize!"

The lion tamer gets into the lion's cage, where a lion is sitting on a pedestal. He cracks his whip, and the lion gets down. The lion tamer gets up on the pedestal and unzips his fly, getting out his penis. He cracks his whip once more. The lion advances to stand before him. Another crack of the whip, and the lion opens its mouth, revealing a set of fearsome teeth. One more crack, and the lion closes it mouth almost completely over his penis. The audience falls silent. Eventually, the tamer cracks the whip one more time, and the lion opens its mouth, retreats from the tamer, and slinks off to a corner of the cage. The audience claps enthusiastically.

The ringmaster announces, "There's five hundred pounds for any member of the audience who'll do what you have just seen." Silence. "Seven hundred and fifty pounds." Still no response from the audience. "One thousand pounds!" At this a voice is heard from the audience. "Aye! I'll dae it fer a thoosand poonds!" A fellow with a tam on his head makes his way down to the ring.

"You do know this is not only dangerous, but you are prepared to do it in front of all these people?"

"Aye, I'm sure. For a thoosand poonds, mind!"

"You're quite sure you want to go in that cage?"

"Aye. Mind ye, I cannae promise tae open ma mooth as wide as yon lion did!"

Love it!

Really funny !*!
Love it !*!