How to confront my wife? (I've been spying and caught her..)

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I got more than I bargain for recently! I installed "spying" or keyboard logging software on our home computer to monitor my teenage daughter online activity (IMs, email, chats, websites, etc.). I didn't necessarily suspect anything, but I just wanted to check. Come to find out, she being a perfect angel. The ethics of this are a different topic, so let's not get diverted on that.

Anyway, what I came across as I was checking the logs was that my wife actually has been communicating with a guy from high school via email for quite some time. The tone and topics of the emails is in appropriate in my opinion. There are actually several issues that concern me. 1) She must think she's doing something inappropriate because she deletes any record of emails sent and received with this guy. 2) When I ask general questions about her activity online, she lies about what she's doing (I already know the truth). 3) She's puts up a front and will act like she's concerned about what I'm doing online, which is exactly what she's doing. So she's being dishonest and very hypocritical. 4) She only emails him at his work address and during the day when she's home alone (me at work, kids at school).

This guy lives several states away, so I know they haven't been together since they started communicating. I know who the guy is but I've never met him. She isn't cheating on me physically and the emails aren't explicit. It's just there seems to be a lot of flirting and inappropriate conversations for two married people (not married to each other) to be having. The tones seem to be making a turn and they are growing more and more comfortable with this situation.

I don't know how long this has been going on, but it appears to be for some time how. So, I have no idea what went on before I became aware.

This is killing me. She has never done anything like this before (to my knowledge). Every time I see a new email I want to confront her and ask "what are you doing?" However, I've let it continue to see what will happen. When I consider ending it by confronting her, I don't know how to go about it.

So this leads me to my question. How do I confront my wife about this? My real dilemma is I don't want to tell her how I found out. If I tell her I was spying on her it seems I would need to show I've stopped the spying once she's ended this. But then I'll never know if she's actually stopped. I was considering just asking some direct question just based on a "feeling" I've been having. I don't necessarily want to get nasty, but I've also considered emailing the guys wife (I found this online during some investigative queries on Google) and letting her know what's going on. Or anonymously emailing her and telling her to ask her husband about ________. And then see what happens.

I've just confused because this caught me so off guard and I've never experienced anything like this. I don't what to allow this to continue any longer just for the sake of seeing what she doing. Any help, advice or suggestions (and prayers) are greatly appreciated.

If you've read this, please give me your opinion.

Thanks!

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Maybe try: If you have his address (from the logs?) send him an e-mail, with copy to her, and ask if they wouldn't mind copying you in on the correspondence in future.

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Does your wife know about what you installed to check on your teenage daughter? If not, is it because you knew she would disapprove?

If she knew about it and just didn't put two and two together, I think you can just be pretty straightforward about it. "Look, I installed this stuff to check on [your daughter] and make sure everything was OK, and then I happened to find this other stuff. It really threw me for a loop and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I should have quit right away but I didn't. Meanwhile, what's going on here?"

All the other stuff you talked about sounds like really bad news to me. And at some point, you're going to have to find some trust or get a divorce -- if you need to have spying software to relax, you are probably not in a mental place to stay in a relationship.

Good luck!

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I am curious as to the content of these emails.

Not for personal sick thrills.. Laughing

But what one considers 'innapropriate' ,the next one might not.

I am sure your feelings are tainted by the fact that it is an old b/f from highschool, and it could make anything sound ' wrong'

are they discussing SEX?
'Old' times? Friends? How they used to talk to each other?

Or are they talking about thier sex lives now ?
HOw they could meet?
How they miss each other?

My first concern is that you are looking so hard into your wifes private space.

Email is just email.

If there are no flight plans, then she is free to speak as she chooses to whom she chooses.

I am married, and I flirt. Sometimes quite openly.
But .. it is just that.... flirting. Simply because I am married, does not mean that I am not a sexual being.
I still find other people attractive.
I still think about old lovers.
I still fantasize about strangers.

That doesnt make me a cheater. And it definatly doesnt mean i WILL ever cheat either.

Are the letters just flirting and nothing else?
Or are they explicit?

And, if you did approach her, and you thought of a great way to explain how you found out.... what are you going to ask her to do?

Stop emailing him?
I am not so sure that is a great option as she is a grown woman.
But if it makes you that uncomfortable ( not being rude....) then stop reading them.
By reading them you are asking for information you dont want to handle.

She isnt going any where. Obviously. Wink

( I know this sounds like a rude post, but I am not trying to be rude with my responce. Just giving my opinion )

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McTag wrote:

Maybe try: If you have his address (from the logs?) send him an e-mail, with copy to her, and ask if they wouldn't mind copying you in on the correspondence in future.

oooooooo......I like the way you think.

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Quote:

Maybe try: If you have his address (from the logs?) send him an e-mail, with copy to her, and ask if they wouldn't mind copying you in on the correspondence in future.

oooooooo......I like the way you think.

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I've also considered emailing the guys wife

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Or anonymously emailing her and telling her to ask her husband about ________. And then see what happens.

The above are all terrible, immature ways of dealing with it, and they will come to no good. You don't want to go about this the wrong way because that will make you the bad guy, and you don't want her to turn the tables on you here.

Listen to Soz. The only thing you can really do here is confront her honestly. Regardless of whether or not your wife knows about the logger, you have to tell her: you installed this to check up on their daughter, you didn't find anything, but you discovered the emails. You have to do this in a calm and concerned way and not let temper show. I would not be surprised if she tries to sidestep her blame here and put it on you for being nosy...try not to let her divert the issue.

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Yes, good point about telling her regardless, the way I phrased it sounds like I meant he should only tell her if she already knew about the logger but hadn't figured out the implications... I did mean no matter what, though "Um I installed the logger without telling you/ even though you objected when I first brought it up" is its own issue.

Meanwhile, I do agree that what can seem inappropriate to some might actually be harmless. But a) the fact that she deleted all evidence of it is iffy, and b) ultimately, the fact that malwa thinks it's a problem means it's a problem, and it has to be dealt with one way or another.

I also agree with stuh that the initial confrontation should be as neutral as possible, to give her room to explain something that may well be explainable. I disagree though that she shouldn't be allowed to react to the nosiness/ spying issue -- I think BOTH parts can and should be discussed. In fact, it might make for a quicker resolution if both parties did something sort-of-wrong-but-not-that-terrible; malwa can apologize for spying and agree not to do it again, and his wife can apologize for playing with fire (if that's the case) and agree to be more careful in the future.

That's all "if" though, probably won't be that neat of a resolution.

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So, you're out busting your hump to support your family -- and your wife's sitting at home emailing some other guy? That sucks, malwa.

I think it sounds like she's bored. It's still a lame excuse, though.

Hopefully, when you talk to her about it, she'll be embarrassed enough to let it go.

In the meantime, if she's that bored, maybe she should get out of the house and get a job.....or something.

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Maybe try: If you have his address (from the logs?) send him an e-mail, with copy to her, and ask if they wouldn't mind copying you in on the correspondence in future.

Good one, McTag!

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I agree with Soz and Stuh, I think I disagree with Shewolf.

If it bothers you, it is an issue in your marriage. This means you should deal with it since you value your marriage. Not talking about something that bothers you is one of the best ways to create distance in a relationship.

There is a way of dealing with this problem (that it bothers you) without getting into a fight about whether it is right or wrong.

If I found my wife sending "flirting emails" to another man, it would probably bother me (this of course depends on the nature of the messages and the seriousness of the flirting. But I would also acknowledge that my feelings about these email are subjective and that other people (including my wife) might feel they were "innocent fun" (assuming there are no flight plans or something egregious).

So I would deal with this by expressing how it made me feel. My emotions should be important to my spouse, and emotions are something that can't be argued.

So I would say "Honey, I found these messages that are really bothering me. When I read them I feel..... because ......".

I like this approach because it means you are taking responsibility for how you feel without attacking or judging your spouse. It is the most likely way to avoid a fight.

But you are also requesting that your needs are met and your feelings are respected. If my spouse expressed something like this I would probably change my behavior, or at least it would lead to a productive conversation.

Two people finding a solution to a problem in your relationship is a much better use of time than arguing over whether something is right or wrong.

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Nice one, ebrown. I agree.

Talking openly about this - and your own spying on her emails - will be good for the two of you. Maybe it will bring you closer together, get dialogue going to things beyond these surface probs, too.

I'm sure it is much more painful for you to see those emails and wonder 'what if? what is going on?' than if you hear what she has to say about this.

good luck. My opinion is to have a candid, calm discussion with her about it. Just be honest.

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Malwa, there was an interesting article on "emotional affairs" recently in Psychology Today, that specifically talked about how email correspondences are becoming more of a problem between couples. I haven't read it in a while, so don't know if it has much info that might help, but you may find some useful thoughts in it: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20060227-000002.html

There was also an article recently on high school sweethearts finding each other again via the internet, and how that too is becoming a much bigger problem in marriages thanks to the 'net. People start up innocent relationships with old flames without considering the consequences and don't realize how powerful the draw can still be: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20060623-000003.html

Basically I'm just saying I think you're definitely right to be concerned; I disagree with the "it's just email" view. Your wife can start out with every intention of keeping things innocent, and heck, it might even stay innocent as far as sex goes, but developing a too-strong emotional bond with someone else via the internet is becoming a more and more widespread problem, and can do a lot of damage to a marriage.

Also, you mentioned that you don't want her to know about the way you found out, because she'll want you to give up your way of keeping tabs on her if she gives up her secret emails...well, you know, I just thought I'd point out that would be the healthy outcome here! Smile

Your problems aren't really solved if you still need to keep tabs on her after you work through this issue, right?

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I think I'd also like to point out that you should not try to use the evidence that you've discovered as little as possible. It is not necessary for you to let her know just how much of the gory details you may have known about from the emails, or to even know that you know that she deleted the emails.

You can use these facts to help interpret her responses, but the more you use that info the more defensive she will feel and the less responsive to the real issue she might be.

I'm not suggesting that you outright lie to her, but just don't start rattling off all the private details you might have picked up, and using them to accuse her...and if she asks you how much you know exactly, which she will, you might be wise to sidestep the trap by saying that it's not important, it's not the point.

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How to confront my wife? (I've been spying and caught her..)

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