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Thu 28 Sep, 2006 01:40 pm
I currently find myself in a bad situation, and I am not sure exactly where to go from here. Let me start by giving a quick background.
For a long time now I have been friends with a married woman. I originally started off as friends with her husband, but came to despise him when I realized what type of person he was. I have stuck around as her friend, because she has really needed a friend. Though I eventually realized that my feelings for her had grown well beyond friendship. I didn't say anything to her about my feelings as I felt that she needed to deal with what she was going through first.
However there came a day when she expressed that she had feelings for me that grew beyond the friendship that we had. Though still concerned that she was not in the right frame of mind to explore such feelings, I allowed how I felt for her to override my better judgement and I expressed that I felt the same way. Since that point we have been inseparable.
We have spent many nights together, talking, laughing and just having fun. I find myself thinking about her every minute, and she is constantly making up reasons to see me, or talk to me.
Last night, after a huge fight between her and her husband, she had to make a decision as to whether or not she was going to move out of state with him, or if she was going to leave him. I told her that before she could make that decision, she needed to let him know everything so that if they did try and work it out he wasn't doing it blind.
She told him everything that there was to tell and told him that he had a choice to make. He said he was willing to look past it all and try their relationship again but she needed to make the choice for herself.
Here is the crux of the problem. She has told both him and me what her decision is, but it's not the decision but what she said about it that bothers me most. She told her husband, and me as well, that she wants to be with me, that she loves me, and that she would rather spend the rest of her life with me than another day with him, but she will go with him and try to work their relationship out.
She says because they have a child involved that she owes him that much, but she really doesn't want to go. Now I am stuck, because I told her whatever she decided I would accept, but I can't help but feel like I should fight for her, because I know her going is a lie.
Now I know so many people will be more pissed that she was married than anything else, but please try and look past that and see the situation for what it is. I am very much in love with this woman, and she with me. Married or not before we met, we don't get to choose what status in life people are in when we fall in love with them. Since it has already been done it can't be undone, but what to do now?
Sounds like all you can do now is accept it, Random Acts.
It's her decision to make, and deciding to try to work it out for the sake of the child is not necessarily a lie. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't, but it's out of your hands, IMO.
Re: What to do now?
Random Acts wrote:... I told her that before she could make that decision, she needed to let him know everything so that if they did try and work it out he wasn't doing it blind.
She told him everything that there was to tell and told him that he had a choice to make. He said he was willing to look past it all and try their relationship again but she needed to make the choice for herself.
You told her she what she needed to do before she made her decision? You insisted he know everything? Have you found a way to insist she know all the info (from you prior posts) that you discovered about her husband? I might be misreading your tone, RA, but isn't this the woman who was in the abusive relationship? I hope your telling and insisting was a bit gentler than what you've posted here.
Quote:...Now I am stuck, because I told her whatever she decided I would accept, but I can't help but feel like I should fight for her, because I know her going is a lie....Since it has already been done it can't be undone, but what to do now?
While it's true that you can't undo the fact that you've gotten involved with a married woman (although I'm sure many of us on your other thread saw this coming), there's nothing that says you can't tell her how much you want her to stay. Go ahead and fight for her but it's still her decision.
Just QUIT telling her what she must do.
I will never understand why people stay in a marriage that isn't good 'for the sake of the children'... that's one of the worst reasons, in my opinion, to stay. I don't see even ONE good reason to stay in a bad relationship of any kind. I always think this explanation is used as an excuse by someone who can't or won't decide what to do.
Sounds like she needs a good boingy-boingy.
Just thought I'd add an alternative suggestion.
She is the person in the center of the tangle.
She is the person with the responsibility of deciding between two men.
You recognize that she had this responsibility.
She chose her husband.
You don't like this decision and think that she should--based on your position--choose you.
You have trouble accepting that you aren't in charge.
Mame wrote:I will never understand why people stay in a marriage that isn't good 'for the sake of the children'... that's one of the worst reasons, in my opinion, to stay. I don't see even ONE good reason to stay in a bad relationship of any kind. I always think this explanation is used as an excuse by someone who can't or won't decide what to do.
Well said.
If the marriage was worth saving they should have made an effort before th eargument and her telling him everything.
Why should another guy in the background make any difference.
I say she should leave him, then the kid wont have to deal with the unpleasent atmosphere.
Just coz they have a kid together doesnt mean she owes him anything, surely he owed her a good marriage.
Re: What to do now?
Random Acts wrote:
Now I know so many people will be more pissed that she was married than anything else, but please try and look past that and see the situation for what it is. I am very much in love with this woman, and she with me.
I don't see how 'looking past' the facts that she is married and has chosen to go and try it make it work with her hubby would be seeing the situation for what it is.
Life and personal decisions have this nasty habit of interferring with love, eh?
I do have a question though - if she were to stay with you, do you think that hubby would put up a fight to take the child? That may be a motivating factor if this is the same woman you spoke of before. Fear seems to be a large motivator for that lady.
Re: What to do now?
flushd wrote:Random Acts wrote:
Now I know so many people will be more pissed that she was married than anything else, but please try and look past that and see the situation for what it is. I am very much in love with this woman, and she with me.
I don't see how 'looking past' the facts that she is married and has chosen to go and try it make it work with her hubby would be seeing the situation for what it is.
Life and personal decisions have this nasty habit of interferring with love, eh?
I do have a question though - if she were to stay with you, do you think that hubby would put up a fight to take the child? That may be a motivating factor if this is the same woman you spoke of before. Fear seems to be a large motivator for that lady.
I agree with FLUSH'D. That IS part of the situation - her marriage, I mean. You two being in love came AFTER the I DO part! lol
Why don't YOU try and look past your "LOVE" and see the situation for what it is? You're horning in on a marriage and whatever she SAID she feels for you is irrelevant to her decision to try and make it work.
And BTW, I am NOT judging you. I don't care who is married to whom... but you need some objectivity on this and that's why you're here, n'est-ce pas?