Im worried im becoming dependant on my bf

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Hi.
Last year quite a few of you helped me because I went a bit weird about my ex boyfriend and he ended up controlling all my emotions and stuff. I felt as if he didnt love me, and i felt anxious about him all the time, checking my phone constantly for a text etc. And it turned out that i was right and he didnt love me, so we split up.

Well things have been really great wih my new bf for 9 months now, and have been really great. He went to france for 3 months and our relationship survived, and up untill now it has been quite serious (we love each other, committed etc) but also quite loose, if i dont hear from im for a couple of days i dont really worry, sometimes we go for a week or so without seeing each other.
But always, our relationship has been good. Ive had my doubts, thought i didnt love him, got upset quite a bit, but we have never argued and he has helped me through all my little episodes. Im quite complicated.

So things have been great, untill the weekend, when we had 2 little tiffs that resulted in me crying. Stupid things really, something abut me wanting to go in a shop, and then something about me not understanding what he was describing to me. Both our faults.

But since then i have been really nervous and anxious, the way i was about my last bf. I cant stop thinking about him. particually his chest for some reason. I keep checking my phone, worrying that he doesnt love me (even though i know he does) and then i phoned him last night, because i felt an impulsive desire too, and after we'd been talking for a bit i said 'oh i love you so much' and he said 'oh i love you so much too'. and i was really shocked. Because the last time i felt like that over someone they wouldnt say it back to me.

So basically, i might be making a mountain out of a molehill out of this, but the issue is that I feel that im feeling too strongly for him, and getting obsessed. I dont want to end up ruining things like getting padantic and cross with him because he 'doesn't love me', and end up ruining everything. because the problem isnt with our relationship, its with me.

I dont know what to do. I dont know whether i should tell him all about this, because i dont want to put him off me by being all needy and upset. But then again, maybe he needs to know.
Maybe i should see how things go, and if i feel myself falling into that trap, ask him for a little break to 'de-luis myself' if you get what i mean. Im sure he would understand.

I hope this all makes sence. If anyone gets back to me i would be very greatfull.

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Generally speaking, unless there has be a tragedy, such as a death in the family, it's unattractive to tell a significant other that you are either needy or upset. They'll either figure it out on their own, or they won't. Telling another that you are is more likely to put one off than not. Best case scenario, a guy would try to "fix" the problem, but his solution may not be to your liking, and it might create more problems than it remedies.

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Re: Im worried im becoming dependant on my bf
No, you've got nothing to tell him that he would want or need to hear. All you would do is confuse him and make him doubt the relationship too.

The idea to take time off of the relationship is a bad one. You either like being around him, or you don't. You can't jerk people around by turning the relationship on and off -- and that includes jerking yourself around.

It's as if you want a relationship, but you don't want any of the emotions attached to it. You aren't even complaining about bad emotions...you're complaining about the fact that you feel love for him. ??

You need to relax, learn to enjoy being yourself and being with him, and if you can't do that, and you find you can't handle a relationship...let it go.

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Nods along with stuh, with emphasis on enjoying being yourself.

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The thing is though i do like the emotions attatched to it, but the nice lovely warm feelings, not the panicky disraught irrational ones.

he is very naieve. I dont know of that makes a differece.

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The Pentacle Queen--

Your interludes of Super Neediness are your problem, not his.

From your description, your jim-jams started this time around after a day with two misunderstandings which seem to have made you feel very insecure.

I'm with the others. Learn to appreciate yourself; to understand yourself; to take care of yourself and you won't be shaken by someone else's failures.

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I agree with that too.

I question the "don't tell him you feel this way" stuff, though. When my husband and I met, we'd both fairly recently gotten out of a major (and majorly hurtful) relationship each, and we were pretty straightforward with each other about that kind of thing. It was lucky that we were in a similar mental space -- it wasn't one of us putting up with the others' insecurities and foibles, it was pretty equal -- but it actually helped craft a good solid foundation to the relationship, that we talked about this stuff and helped each other regain some trust.

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I understand where you're coming from, Soz.

Yes, ideally, it would be good not to say anything to him. Why? Because he will see your insecurity for what it is.
He could respond in all sorts of ways. He may walk away, lose trust, or question whether he can handle that. Or he may use it against you (i don't think he is this sort, but they are out there).
Or, he may accept it and be able to help you through it. He may have insecurities of his own that require understanding.

My instinct is to talk to him about this, because it is who you are right now. And who you are right now is who is in this relationship.

When you talk, simply keep it to what is relevent. You don't need to (and shouldn't) indulge in listing off everything that is bothering you or that is making you question the relationship.
You can just take a breath and say "I'm stressed and could use some extra understanding right now. I hope you understand."
That usually does the trick of dispelling the wondering "does he still care?", bc he'll most likely respond with something like "oh ok. no problem." and may even get him talking about things himself.

Better to find out how he deals with it now, and to practice communication and above all - Not Running Away! . Face it head on. Let him in on who he is dating straight-on, so he can make knowledgeable decisions without having to guess about your actions and why you may be acting weird at times.

I think the worse thing you could do is to keep this all to yourself, allow it to fester, and then do something on impulse that would hurt everyone more in the long run: like running away and coming back, back n' forth, obsessing over when he'll text, or creating an atmosphere where he starts to view you as unstable and needing to be 'managed'.

I may be wrong..this is just my opiniion..but I think you Not Hiding is the most important part of this whole thing. Even more important than whether this relationship lasts a long time or not. It could be a great chance to learn about yourself. You're scared - so keep going. See this through.

p.s. No running away! Very Happy

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Admittedly i do feel a bit better now, but what I have done is to tell him that sometimes I feel a bit werid, feel i really need him etc. but make sure he knows it is not his fault, or not his problem. Ive told him that our relationship couldnt be any better, and that there is nothing really 'wrong' just me.
I suppose the fact that we had a few tiffs in such a short period of time brought back the memories of my old boyfriend back, and i felt that way.

Thanks for all your help. He is such a lovely guy, so romantic and so caring, I do not want to blow anything or make him feel he is doing anything wrong, or to seem ungreatful, brcause that would be so unkind.
I will post on here if i have any further difficulties
pq xxxxxxx

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Im worried im becoming dependant on my bf

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