[B]am I at fault[/B]

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my wife and I got married when she was 18 and I was 21 it is 4 years later and now she says that she does not know why she feels the way she feels but she needs some space like a vacation so she wanted to go to the beach with her friend. I am made to belive that this is all my fault that she doesn't feel the same way about me that she used to am I at fault or not Confused

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How would we know that? We don't know anything about the relationship and you have provided very little. If you communicate with your wife this way, I would suggest that you open the communication channels.
Good luck.

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Marraige requires a lot of dedication and work.

Dedication and work require a firm understanding of why the person is good for you.

A firm understanding of why they are good for you requires having had many failed relationships and periods of being single in the past.

Having many failed relationships and years of being single requires being much older than 18.

Based on the little context that you provide, my guess is that she has had at most 1 serious relationship before you...having not intimately known too many men she is incapable of recognizing and comparing your qualities to others.

You could be the most perfect man in the world for her, but she won't know it without trying several dozen of them out...and she's going to be curious what other guys are out there. The grass always looks greener on the other side until you have climbed over 50 fences, then you learn to spot what green grass really looks like from up close.

Even if she is willing to dedicate herself to you, it's doubtful that she would be able to withstand all the different kinds of charms that men are sure to put on her in the future. Sooner or later one of you is going to cheat.

Oh well, good luck.

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yes, you are clearly at fault

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Perhaps you're both at fault for getting married too young without knowing what it takes to make a relationship work? If your wife wants to distance herself from you, let her go.

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Re: am I at fault

micheal1234 wrote:

my wife and I got married when she was 18 and I was 21 it is 4 years later and now she says that she does not know why she feels the way she feels...

Nobody knows WHY they feel a certain way, and it's not necessary to know. Feelings just ARE. Nobody can control their feelings...they're not "right" or "wrong." The important thing is how you deal with them...constructively or destructively.

You are both young. Does your wife know that she shouldn't expect to be infatuated with you forever? That feeling lasts two years at most, then it starts fading. It's chemically inevitable, and it does not mean the relationship is over. If real trust and commitment and affection are there, a deeper love will develop. One that is not dependent on fleeting feelings. My husband and I have been married for more than 20 years and have had all sorts of feelings toward each other over the years. But the trust, the commitment and the affection are always there. You build on that.

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...but she needs some space like a vacation so she wanted to go to the beach with her friend...

If she wants space, give her space. Don't make her feel like a prisoner. We all need breaks from time to time, and a few days away may very well help her perspective. Tell her you hope she has a great time, you'll miss her, and give her a big kiss and a hug before you carry her suitcase to the car for her.

Quote:

...I am made to belive that this is all my fault that she doesn't feel the same way about me that she used to am I at fault or not

I don't know enough to answer that. Have you treated her badly or given her any reason to want out?

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Micheal--

Welcome to A2K.

I've read your brief post several times. Perhaps I'm reading between the lines and coming up with something that isn't there, but you seem genuinely confused as to whether you and your wife are--or should be--independent people or whether you should both be subsumed in the marriage.

Writing is obviously unpleasant for you, but we can't help unless we know more.

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Nobody told u here before, but there is one thing which makes a man a good man-keep her on her toes. LOL
I mean, keep it hot. U should be the one who is setting the rules-take a vacation with ur friends, an innocent vacation. Tell her u need some space too. Next time when she asks for time out, tell her u r cool with that, that u will be hanging out with ur friends while she is away. Trust me, she will start getting all sneaky and suspicious. Kepp it hot. When she comes back from vacation, do not be the one jumping for joy and letting her know that u were dying while she was not with u. Be calm, be nice and tell he that u missed her but u had a very very good time.
And look how she will react.

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Sorry, NoNe, but that is the worst advice I have ever read.

Don't play games. They usually backfire.

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Eva wrote:

Sorry, NoNe, but that is the worst advice I have ever read.

Don't play games. They usually backfire.

This is not a game, this **** does work. Guys would agree with me. Razz

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She's 22 and not yet been on her own. She's going to want to assert her own sense of self and explore what life has to offer. That's healthy. That's good for both of you. You wouldn't want to be with a woman who didn't know herself or have individual interests - that's a recipe for disaster and pain.

There's no point blaming yourself. You married young: you're both still learning what marriage means. You are learning, and she is learning.

Just remember you are on the same team and you love her. Loving her, there's going to be times where she does things you don't understand. It's important not to blame yourself when she does. It's important to be able to support her in her decisions. Sometimes, that means swallowing it up. Letting it be and trusting that things will work out as they should.

You can't control everything, not even if this marriage will work out for the long haul. That takes two - you'll have to see how her side develops.

What you can control is yourself. You can decide: I will be the best man I can be. I will love her even when I am shaking inside and scared she is leaving me. I will keep my dignity. You'll never have regrets if you do this - no matter how things go down.

So give her a kiss and wish her a happy vacation, and tell her you love her. Then, go have a great time with your friends. Or doing something you like. It'll be good.

More info from you now? Very Happy

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sometimes those sorts of exploring end up with cheating ands other bad stuff, flushd forgot to mention.

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Stuh covered that base pretty well, I though. Smile

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I think she is not loyal, honestly.

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I'm not sure that I would put it quite so strongly as NoNe has, but I do think there is at least an element of truth to what she says.

Eva, girls need affection and honesty and they don't like being mislead or used...but nobody likes someone who's desperate for them. So if you ARE desperate for someone, by golly, you may have to "play games" to tone down your affection or you're going to lose them!

By doubting her relationship with him, she has demonstrated that she feels like she is in a power position, and that his feelings are stronger for her than hers are for him. She has probably become a little tired of his affections, and perhaps feels that he is becoming too dependent on her. If he can demonstrate that he's having a good time without her, not being depressive, she may be able to recognize in him what she will in love with in the first place.

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stuh505 wrote:

I'm not sure that I would put it quite so strongly as NoNe has, but I do think there is at least an element of truth to what she says.

Eva, girls need affection and honesty and they don't like being mislead or used...but nobody likes someone who's desperate for them. So if you ARE desperate for someone, by golly, you may have to "play games" to tone down your affection or you're going to lose them!

By doubting her relationship with him, she has demonstrated that she feels like she is in a power position, and that his feelings are stronger for her than hers are for him. She has probably become a little tired of his affections, and perhaps feels that he is becoming too dependent on her. If he can demonstrate that he's having a good time without her, not being depressive, she may be able to recognize in him what she will in love with in the first place.

Yeah, this is how I wanted to put it. Thank u.
I would not be interested in living with a guy who writes poems to me all the times, tells me hundreds of times how much he loves and wants me.
Once a friend of mine showed me a letter her husband wrote her, which was something like "I kiss ur lips and my knees get week and I feel tremble in my voice and blah blah"
My boyfriend looked at it and said "that would've sounded much better if he just said "I wanna f**K u, babe. and love ur ass"
Laughing

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I'm with Eva. Games playing is not a way to "save" a relationship.

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stuh505 wrote:

...Eva, girls need affection and honesty and they don't like being mislead or used...but nobody likes someone who's desperate for them. So if you ARE desperate for someone, by golly, you may have to "play games" to tone down your affection or you're going to lose them!...

Thank you, Noddy.

You're right, stuh. Nobody likes someone who's desperate. But "toning it down" is not the same as playing games. It's simply putting a check on your emotions, which is the wise thing to do.

"Playing games" involves creating a false scenario intended to manipulate the actions of others. Nobody likes to be manipulated. Micheal's wife is young and might fall for it, but eventually she will figure it out and will hate him for it. That's no way to build a marriage. Playing games undermines the trust that is essential for a long-term relationship.

I cannot believe how much some of you are reading into Micheal's one-paragraph post. We have no way to know what might or might not be going through his wife's mind. She may simply need a few days away to talk with a friend and sort out her feelings. There's nothing wrong with that. Let's not jump to conclusions and plant seeds of doubt in Micheal's mind. That's not going to help him.

What Micheal really wants to know is...is he responsible for his wife's feelings? The answer is No. Not unless he has treated her badly or given her a reason to want out.

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[B]am I at fault[/B]

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